10 Disney Songs For The Single Girl
1. “Belle,” Beauty and the Beast
You’re young, you know you’re at least 2 points too high on the hotness scale for your podunk town, and it’s time to get out to a big city that can handle you. You just have dreams, you know, and they are not going to be contained by a village full of Bitter Betty gossips who can’t handle your love of reading and your fierce ponytail. You’re done with the crazy woman always screaming for eggs to feed her Honey Boo Boo-esque family, and you’re beyond done with the giant meathead jock who’s always trying to seduce you over the wild game he just shot. This is your anthem for the moment right when you realize how much better life is going to be once you get somewhere with comprehensive public transportation.
2. “Please Bring Honor To Us All,” Mulan
People are constantly trying to set you up, but what if you don’t want to be with anyone? What if you’re happy to just hang out with your horse and sing to yourself in the mirror? You are the kind of girl who doesn’t need to be put into a tight-waisted outfit to go find herself a husband and pop out a bunch of sword-wielding sons. You’ve got other plans, and one of them is to stop by the Forever 21 so you can go dishonor your ancestors down at the club tonight.
3. “Kiss the Girl,” The Little Mermaid
Haven’t we all had a moment where we’re leaning in at the end of a particularly successful date and putting on our best “Okay, you can sweep me off my feet now” doe eyes, only to have him completely miss the point? Why is it that pigeons and squirrels and other city-dwelling animals never pop out of the trash cans or wherever they hang out to tell him that he “could totally get it right now” via a jazzy musical number in real life? Where are my wingpigeons? For now, I suppose all we have is this song.
4. “Can You Feel The Love Tonight?,” The Lion King
I’m just going to clarify here that the part of this song that is crucial and so spot-on is the first 30 or so seconds where Timon and Pumba commiserate over the fact that now that their John has found a Yoko, their unstoppable trifecta of jungle-cruising was drawing to a premature close. I like to think of their little opening ditty as the anthem to every time you open up your Facebook only to find that a friend has gotten engaged. Yes, we can feel the love tonight, and it means barely seeing our friend ever again except when invited over to baby showers and housewarming parties 40 minutes outside the city.
5. “Part of Your World,” The Little Mermaid
You’ve got gadgets and gizmos a plenty. You’ve got whozits and whatsits galore. Want thingamobobs? You’ve got twenty. But you’re a greedy bitch and life is short and you’re just having a “me day” and focusing on self care for the moment so you’re going to take a bubble bath and listen some Sade and drink a glass of cabernet sauvignon and feel good in your body. You’ve had so many self-esteem issues these days, what with the bottom of your body being essentially that of a carp’s, and until you get your legs (and the gorgeous Eurotrash Prince that goes with it), you just need your space.
6. “Zero To Hero,” Hercules
Any song that describes a hot, perfect, lady-killing guy and contains the phrase “And this perfect package packed a pair of pretty pecs” is the best song ever. It’s time to just go down to the bar and look at the mantreats, you’ve earned it.
7. “Reflection,” Mulan
So many feelings. So, so many feelings. Aren’t we all constantly in conflict with the person we show on the outside versus the sexy-androgynous-tomboy person we see in the reflection of our father’s awesome sword collection? Dont’ we all struggle with which side should come out? Do we be true to ourselves and risk making our parents the town laughing stock, or do we hold it all in to get married off to some wet noodle you could probably take in a fair fight? I think we all know the answer, and that answer is crossdress so you can get out of your dead-end town and maybe meet a gorgeous, silky-voiced army captain to have hot, basic training camp sex with.
8. “Almost There,” The Princess and the Frog
No one believes in your dreams. You’re not going to finish that graduate degree, you’re not going to get that dream job, you’re not going to co-own a restaurant in jazz-era New Orleans with a sexy prince who was a frog for, like, a couple weeks. Don’t listen to the haters. Tiana doesn’t, and she has a fabulous mint-green ballgown, so everything she says is pretty much gold. You’ve done most of the work, you’ve put in the hours, don’t stop climbing up right before you reach the top — otherwise you’ll never transform back into a human in time to flash for some beads at Mardi Gras.
9. “Cruella De Vil,” 101 Dalmations
Is there any character as misunderstood as poor, fabulous Cruella? Sure, she’s not on the short list for PETA board member any day soon, but she’s not so bad. She has the long cigarette holder and contrasting highlight game locked up, and she is generally kind of a huge boss bitch that doesn’t care what you have to say. So what she wants to skin an innocent puppy or two to make a sassy new coat? Is that really reason enough to call her “a spider waiting for the kill” or an “inhuman beast”? No. Girl is just trying to make her way as a single girl in this extremely difficult world while cultivating a little style. There is no reason to be so jealous of her swag.
10. “Won’t Say (I’m In Love),” Hercules
The anthem for single girls everywhere, navigating the dating pool filled with basic-yet-hot men such as Hercules, is this beauty. Meg is truly the modern girl’s princess. She’s had her heart broken, she doesn’t have time for your shit, and she has never met a lavender dress she couldn’t drape perfectly. Who doesn’t want to just go hang out with Meg for a while and talk about the loser you met on OKCupid last week who didn’t even have the decency to call you back after a date? Meg will be right there with a glass of whisky on the rocks and her listening ears. Don’t you worry.
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Last week I got to meet a man in the last six hours of his life, although I obviously didn’t know that at the time.
Donna’s Coffee Shop, 800 N. Charles Street, Mount Vernon.
Soon, your honger — your hungry anger — will drive you to eat that Jumbo Slice and/or pack of nuggets as though it dishonored your family name and this is feudal China.
What I said: “Oh yeah! I’m sorry I’m just really out of it. What’s your name again?”
What I meant: “I’ve never met you before and you just want pity in the face of tragedy.”