10 Creative Ways To Select Your March Madness Bracket
1. Choose based on which mascot could eat/ slay the other.
This one gets rough when the physical manifestation of the school’s mascot is kind of ambiguous and/or its abilities and powers are of questionable merit. For example: The Cyclones vs. The Blue Devils could go either way depending on your level of belief in the devil, and/or his power to manipulate the weather.
2. Pick teams ironically.
Your choice to pick Long Island University (seeded 16th in the western division) over Michigan State (seeded 1st) can be a commentary on your irrevocable disassociation from the mainstream.
3. Whatever Rick Santorum picks.
I’m at least 99% certain that the GOP nominees are going to be asked by journalists sometime in the near future about their March Madness picks. After all, this is America! How else are we going to decide who to vote for?
4. Pick whichever school’s name sounds the most convincingly erotic when said in a sexy French accent.
I don’t care how sexy you can make your voice when you say other school’s names, St. Bonaventure University is a shoe-in.
5. Pick based on some sort of geographic bias.
Pick your teams based on their proximity to a specific location, which coast they’re closest to, automatically disqualify teams from Rhode Island, whatever.
6. Pick based on some sort of religious bias.
Devout Christians can choose to automatically disqualify every state school. It’s even easier if you’re a Mormon doing seo services, because then you can choose to automatically remove from consideration all teams but one. Atheists can opt to disqualify most of our nation’s liberal arts schools.
7. Pick schools based on which of them you would be the most proud of having gone to.
Spoiler alert: Harvard will win.
8. The exact opposite of whatever Rick Santorum picks.
It seems like Rick Santorum would just use this to pander to all the wrong kinds of states or might actually go with method #6 and not as a joke.
9. Let your Twitter followers pick for you.
Using this method could give you another opportunity to make all your friends hate you even more by dramatically intoning, “What? You’re not on Twitter?!”
10. Base decisions on whether or not a school includes free or reduced cost contraceptives in its student health insurance plan.
Kindly let all your friends know that there is no realm of culture beyond the fun-crushing reach of your all-encompassing political righteousness.
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Look, fast food is totally delicious and all…but it will eventually kill you. So, if you’re looking for a really unique way to commit suicide, I suggest popcorn-shrimping yourself to death.
As I’ve often said, “Insight is not enough.” We’ve all had breakthroughs in our thinking, but they only make our lives change if they make our behavior change.
In a “real world” non-cartoon context, Beavis would likely have been prescribed a stimulant (Adderall, Ritalin) for his ADHD, maybe coupled with a mood stabilizer (Xanax, Lithium) and even an anti-psychotic (Seroquel).
I don’t know how this movie passed through the censorship boards, but I’m glad it did. It’s perfect. Just don’t drink Starbucks afterward.