You Should Sleep With A Writer

Sep. 13, 2011

By Jack Cazir info

Jack Cazir lives and writes in Brooklyn.

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Straightaway, I’m not saying that you should sleep with me. Because you definitely shouldn’t. Ever. Even if you’re really drunk and the L-train is down and I’m riding the last unicorn to Cotton Candy Village where Angel Ian Curtis and Angel Jimi Hendrix are playing a four-hour show at an all-koala house party, it’s still better to pay for the cab. And I’m not saying you should date a writer, either. Because that’s probably an equally bad idea. All I’m saying is you could do worse than screwing someone who meets the attractiveness threshold and also happens to be a writer. Because here’s the thing: as often as writers come bundled with bad habits and insecurities, and as maladaptive as these things are in the real world—the bedroom is not the real world. And the compulsions that make writers so miserable on a day-to-day basis are the same ones that make them ideal at last call. Allow me to explain.

Writers aren’t cool. They’re not going to play organized team sports or flip an ollie over that flaming laser-shark because they’re just too busy sighing at the frayed edges of their Moleskines and pondering whether the eyes of their ex-lover were more ocean-blue than sky-blue. They are dorks at heart, and no amount of tattoos or Bushwick dive bars will change the fact that they all remember their SAT-Verbal scores. And I know some of you are thinking, Now that’s not true, what about [beat poet/writer; counterculture icon]? They were pretty cool! But you’re wrong. And also a dork. Because in reality the only people who think writers are cool are other writers and lit nerds, and their admiration doesn’t make these writers any more cool than the admiration of millions of Koreans makes the top-ranked Starcraft players cool. To the rest of the world, writers are simply not cool; Jay-Z gives no fucks about a Vonnegut, and Hank Moody is about as plausible as Gandalf.

But for you—the one sleeping with these losers—this is a good thing. That writers know they aren’t cool leads to lowered self-esteem leads to a desire to please. These are people, remember, who have chosen a career in which they must constantly seek approval from editors who will judge their performance and then, in the best-case scenario, expose that performance to public scrutiny. A writer will agonize for weeks over how they come off in an indie zine read by ten people; do you think they’re any less concerned about the story you tell your friends the next morning? These are people terrified of failure, who are not above two hours of oral if it means a good review.

Dirty talk. Having likely provided an extensive oral experience, the writer will generally provide a similar aural experience. Remember that terrible hook-up where your partner couldn’t stop saying stuff like, “Yeah, you like that” and “Oh yeeeeah” and “Yeah, yeah that’s right” and “Babe. Babe. Babe. Babe. Babe. Babe. Babe. Babe. Babe. Babe. Babe. Babe.”? Sure you do. In any case, you won’t get that from a writer. A writer manipulates language to desired effect at a professional level, which is nice enough, but they also likely possess a literature background that allows them to crib from some of the greatest dirty talk in history. Sure, their words may actually belong to Austen or Browning or Homer or Bukowski or whoever, but it’ll be new to you, and concerns about plagiarism tend to evaporate when the clock strikes boner.

The sexual rewrite. Writers are communicative and open to constructive criticism. They routinely spread their heart over pages that are scratched raw by red markers and scorn. They’ve seen their most intimate experiences returned marked ‘gayer than magic realism’ or ‘too Tao Linny’ or ‘so boring I felt physical pain.’ They’ve laid themselves bare in messenger bags and workshop tables only to be told to ‘please fix.’ You will not injure them with the knowledge that you prefer a certain touch, pace, rhythm, suction, whatever. They will be happy to make the appropriate edits—whatever it takes to make their work better. They will do the required reading. They will match their style to your content.

Getting creative. Ooohhhh, screw a guitarist, they say. They’re good with their fingers. Great. That’s great. They’re also good at giving the same performance over and over for years at a time. I mean, how long has Springsteen been playing “Born to Run”? Forever? When musicians hit on something that works they never let go, and that’s great when you really like what they’re putting out. But it gets old. Remember the first time you heard “Hey Ya”? How great it was? Now remember the eighty-third time you heard “Hey Ya.” Now imagine “Hey Ya” is a dick, and you have to fuck it. Not so catchy now, is it?

Writers mix it up like it’s their job. Because it is their job. Because unless you’re screwing a writer with the last name Sedaris, the person in bed with you can’t get away with publishing countless retellings of the same old story. They can’t just play the hits; every composition must be built from scratch, lovingly constructed through sleepless nights spent searching for some fresh, novel pleasure. The writer feels compelled to try new things because their profession tells them they must—that to do otherwise is to become predictable, is to become stale, is to die alone and unwanted in a shallow grave of irrelevance. This is how writers think. And yeah, it’s kind of sad, but you’re only there for the night so whatever. Just come a few times and leave in the morning.

Down for whatever. This constant need for validation very seldom leads to sexual purity. And the compulsion they feel toward producing novel pleasures means they’ve likely moved beyond the vanilla. Now, I am not going to say that every single writer will be down for butt stuff; however, I am going to write that every single writer will be down for butt stuff. TC mark

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image – Matthew Romack

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  • Guest

    Jay-Z references the Euthyphro in No Church in the Wild. I bet he thinks writers are cool.

  • Picturedwords

    Hehehe…this is good

  • sick of these

    oh god. eye roll.

  • Anonymous

    i support the arguments made within this extremely well written article – signed, a fellow writer

  • http://www.facebook.com/Methofelis Nicole La Rrett

    I too will write that as I am writing this as a writer I am down for butt stuff. Good job. 

  • Mila Jaroniec

    Phenom.

  • Anonymous

    Hank Moody is about as plausible as Gandalf. – LOL

  • A_A

    sooooo….should i just say it? i really wanna sleep with you, jack!

    (but i’m too shy to figure out how to actually go about making that happen.)

  • http://twitter.com/mung_beans 371747

    butt stuff is pretty fucking vanilla

  • http://twitter.com/mung_beans 371747

    unless you mean writers will eat poop, because that’s pretty out there

  • http://www.facebook.com/Methofelis Nicole La Rrett

    Perhaps just putting unorthodox things in said butts, like small pets and condiments. Maybe a nice shrub. 

  • star

    “They’re not going to play organized team sports or flip an ollie over
    that flaming laser-shark because they’re just too busy sighing at the
    frayed edges of their Moleskines and pondering whether the eyes of their
    ex-lover were more ocean-blue than sky-blue”

    haha, love this.

  • http://twitter.com/Ouleena ♔

    If you’re “sick of these” then get off the website. Thanks for your cooperation.

  • http://twitter.com/Ouleena ♔

    As someone who likes to bleed via prose, I thank you for this article. All true (except for the butt stuff. Sorry I’m not sorry.)

  • chloe

    I really enjoyed this. And am also pretty convinced to go find myself a writer. 

  • Anonymous

    “I’m arriving!” > “I’m cumming!”

  • Vivienne

    ‘When the clock strikes boner,’ HAHA!

  • http://fastfoodies.org Briana

    Jack, let me level with you, Jack.

    1. There are some really great parts of this article (Hank Moody/Gandalf, Sedaris, fucking the dick of ‘Hey Ya’, ‘gayer than magical realism). Thanks.

    2. Like every other dipshit on the Internet, I consider myself a writer. And I find this consideration directly in opposition to the concept of dirty talk. By which I meantersay: I can’t do it. I just can’t. I cannot make myself say, for example, ‘Oh yeah, I love your giant cock in my pussy’ because, well, the fuuug? It sounds like a terrible porno and is also really, really cliche. The ‘writer’ in me has been trained to avoid cliches and use descriptive but clever language, meaning my version of dirty talk would likely involve referring to an asshole as, like, a blossoming flower, which, of course, produces no visceral reaction (at least none aside from ‘WHA?’). In media res, you’re not concerned with pretty prose, but with hard, sexy words (‘fuck’ ‘oh god yes’ ‘cock’). It is a difficult situation to exist in.

    But like, whatever.

  • TurningTables

    Oh dear lord, this was IT. Everything and nothing less was said that needed to be said in this article, and articulated beautifully. 

  • Anonymous

    i think there’s a middle ground between “asshole as, like, a blossoming flower, ” and 1980s porn-speak, and it’s within that space that you sort of refine the bedroom equivalent of your “voice.” in the same way you wouldn’t try to ape jonathan safran foer for a workshop, you shouldn’t be trying to inject a certain style or diction into your dirty talk that doesn’t feel natural. 

  • Anonymous

    just got seriously Dr Ruth up in here

  • http://fastfoodies.org Briana

    One time I actually tried to ape Jonathan Safran Foer in a workshop led by Jonathan Safran Foer, and it was the piece of mine he most enjoyed.

    wokka wokka wokka

  • http://fastfoodies.org Briana

    but sure, I appreciate your advice!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=707272007 Alex Thayer

    yeah, i think that jay and kanye might be amazingly well-read somehow

  • Anonymous

    i find that story zero percent surprising

  • Anonymous

    pretend i wrote Plies

  • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

    I could hug you right now.

  • Lidspk64

    Jack, writers are sexy to me I would sleep with you in a heart beat! I am not to shy to say it!

  • Thepanderson

    ‘gayer than magic realism’ <– One of the best things I've ever read

  • http://somuchtocome.blogspot.com/ Aja

     Maybe a nice shrub!  Hahahahaha!!

  • Guest

    Possibly the best TC article ever.

  • indi

    best TC article in a really fucking long time. thank you.

  • Guest

     complete rubbish. sex has nothing to do with what you do for a living, or in your case, as a hobby.

  • Guest

    eye rooollleee you!

  • Guest

    butt stuff is for closeted gays.

  • Guest

    don’t..he will cry.

  • Guest

    writers cry too much. would I date a writer? no, because i do not want to carry around a  bucket for the tears they shed every hour.

  • http://twitter.com/SHOOTNEE courtney lim

    boom, perfection.

  • http://twitter.com/mung_beans 371747

    nice shrub, pretty vanilla

  • http://twitter.com/JustGeeee Geleen Faye Gallego

    “Because in reality the only people who think writers are cool are other writers and lit nerds.” BULL’S EYE.
    What the??!! I love you Jack! One of the best TC article I ever read, I could cry. :)

  • PrinceCharming

    Now he’s going to give some lucky girl an amazing, unusual orgasm thanks to your negative criticism. BTW. Sex for SOME people have everything to do with what they do for a living, in my case, prostitution. lol.

  • http://twitter.com/taylafederer Tayla Dam

    was almost interesting until you dissed springsteen!

  • Azureeyes

    I am writer and I most definitely will not let your penis in my butt hole, sorry.

  • http://twitter.com/vickstahs Vicky Nguyen

    Surely sleeping with a writer has a lot more perks. Like for example, we’d be keen to edit your shit despite how much we say we hate editing. We probably hate editing, but we’re good at it. Know where I’m getting at here…?

  • http://dirtyyoungmen.wordpress.com Maxwell Chance

    Jack Cazir for President.

  • HotForWriter

    I have to admit I’ve always had a thing for writers, I’m no lit nerd nor am I a writer in any way whatsoever.
    Still haven’t had the opportunity though, I get so excited I scare them off…My time will come…My time will come…

  • Anonymous

    “Down for whatever” sports the same initials as a certain writer who ranks high on the list of writers to aspire to, so…OK, I don’t know what that means. Just sayin’.

  • https://twitter.com/iamthepuddles Puddles

    that’s why you don’t date a writer. you sleep with a writer. READING COMPREHENSION, PLZ.

  • Ryan O’Connell

    did you hear that everyone? you should fuck me

  • Jessica

    While I am completely in on this, I think perhaps the implication should more clearly indicate creative writers, because I have slept with academics (who certain write and publish their work) that are quite “vanilla”.

  • Anonymous

    Lets all remember this writer guy called Dan from Gossip Girl. 

  • http://t-t-tori.blogspot.com t$

    “Because in reality the only people who think writers are cool are other writers and lit nerds…”

    yeah, i’m 99.9% sure that the only people who think Ginsberg and Kerouac et al are actually COOL are NOT writers.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=508371039 Rayan Khayat

    no!

  • Cass

    This was really stupid and rude. 

  • Anonymous

    I agree.

  • Isabel

    “Because unless you’re screwing a writer with the last name Sedaris, the person in bed with you can’t get away with publishing countless retellings of the same old story.” Brilliant; and I count Sedaris as one of my favorite writers.  

  • Isabel

    “Because unless you’re screwing a writer with the last name Sedaris, the person in bed with you can’t get away with publishing countless retellings of the same old story.” Brilliant; and I count Sedaris as one of my favorite writers.  

  • Hadley

    Wow, this is badly written. Great idea but….

  • Cat

    i am obsessed with this piece. i’m a writer and it’s all true for me! 

  • @R

    Love this. Spot on with musicians replaying their greatest hits. Somehow, impersonating Plant in “a whole lotta love” doesn’t quite work as well as borrowing from literature. Film makers- too many bad memories. Actors- never again. Yeah…writers. And there’s a reasonable chance to hope that they might be amenable to intelligence, even. Thanks, Jack. :*

  • brennan scotland

    I’m a rad writer and am way prettier than the hoi polloi, regardless of their profession.  So, yea: I call bullshit.

  • Anisha

    It’s the dirty talk that gets me. Writers and their voices, and the words that pour forth from those mouths. 

  • Teacup full of cherries

    Now I really want to go to an all-koala house party. Goddamn.

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