Write Without Restraint! An Incredible Offer

Sep. 19, 2011

By Matt Bevilacqua info

Matt Bevilacqua grew up on Long Island and lives in Washington, D.C. He likes Martin Scorsese movies and ...

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Tired of hearing about the need for tight prose and a controlled narrative? Bummed over stuck-up naysayers trying to pare down your style? Just can’t deal with concision OR restraint?

Then do we have the answer to your prayers! Your wordy, cerebral, all-but-inscrutable prayers!

That’s right: for an unlimited time so long as the English language exists, YOU can indulge in every verbose fantasy imaginable! Flaunt your vocabulary! Use adverbs unendingly! Overwrite EVERY SINGLE paragraph!

You can even attempt a sentence composed of nothing but multisyllabic words. Wow!

Here’s how it works:

1) Enroll in a creative writing class.

Easy, right? You’ll be abusing punctuation in no time!

And that’s not all. With proof of age and familiarity with Thomas Wolfe novels, we’ll include this free DVD box set: Scenic Porn: The Hot ‘n’ Heavy World of Adjectives and Modifiers.

You’ll see IMPENETRBLE darkness! BLANKETNG snow! DEPTHLESS oceans! All the sexiest scenery in one place!

Here’s a sneak peak:

(Platinum blonde enters study, looks at the pen the writer holds in his lap.)

WOMAN: My, what a big diction you have! (Covers her mouth.)

WRITER: I know. It is quite a… considerable talent. (Puffs his pipe. Winks at camera).

Every leaf is glistening! Every silence pregnant! Every dark cloud a harbinger! You’ll never feel plainspoken again.

Call now to validate your turgid style AND receive a free Scenic Porn box set, all for the price of ONE creative writing course. That’s a complete outsized artistic ego for as little as three credits!

But wait, there’s more!

Head to the nearest music department and pick up your copy of Notes Gone Wild: Wanky Virtuosos and Steamy Arpeggios absolutely free! Watch as these hot, surly fingers SHRED up and down helpless fretboards! Hear the moans of sixteenth notes BEGGING to fit into a phrase! Listen to SEDUCTIVE 20-minute jazz fusion solos all day, every day!

You can outdo yourself with faux confidence in BOTH literature and music! Don’t miss this often-in-a-lifetime chance to ejaculate all over the discipline of your choice!

Available at all participating liberal arts programs. Must be well-versed in the oeuvre of Dickens to call. While pretension lasts. TC mark

You should follow Thought Catalog on Twitter here.

image – Karen Chichester

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  • Quasishire

    I was hoping this was an open call for Thought Catalogue contributions, not an undergrad rant.

    • Matt Bevilacqua

      Someone correct me if I’m wrong, but pretty much anyone can submit to Thought Catalog at any given time.  Over in “submissions” at the bottom of this page. Though I’m flattered you’d wait for my go-ahead.

    • Matt Bevilacqua

      Someone correct me if I’m wrong, but pretty much anyone can submit to Thought Catalog at any given time.  Over in “submissions” at the bottom of this page. Though I’m flattered you’d wait for my go-ahead.

      • Anonymous

        confirming that anyone can submit to thought catalog at any given time via the submissions link at the bottom of this page.

  • Jack

    I feel like most creative writing classes teach merciless cutting and sparsity a la Carver/Hemingway, and that the things this article attacks (well-chosen verbosity, I guess) are actually taught less than they ought to be.

    • Matt Bevilacqua

      Jack: Thanks for reading. Maybe it comes down to particular teaching styles, but I’ve found that creative writing profs, while championing tight prose in general, oftentimes avoid pointing out verbosity in a student’s work. It seems to take back seat to other issues with the writing, which is fine. But in my experience students will then go on completely unaware that their language is too flowery, because no one is calling them out on it directly (see also: courses in narrative journalism and feature writing).

      And many young writers tend to skew flowery (I include myself in this group). Self-control is a never-ending struggle, and I wish instructors would emphasize it accordingly.  

  • Superfluous Adjectives

    The real merit in attending a creative writing class is that you will learn to criticize other writers so you can feel better about yourself in every SINGLE class! Then, you can write a FINE piece of parody for TC where you put that newly acquired SKILL to use!

  • Thegirlwhofellasleep

    ‘IMPENETRBLE’

    Ehhh…

    • Robert L.

      That “E”? It probably couldn’t get all the way in.

  • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

    So what you’re really saying is everyone on the planet should read George Orwell’s essay, “Politics & English Language.” DONE!

  • http://mrianmbelcurry.tumblr.com/ Mr. Ian M. Belcurry

    There’s a time and place for flowery language. Before TV people would read to each other. 50 pgs of buildup before the action was the norm. Styles of language come and go. Think of Proust and a 400 pg tea party, or Moby Dick. These are great books, but from different times with different styles based on the readers/writer’s time to do each, technology. Reading Moby Dick is almost like watching a documentary on Whaling the way he describes it, and it’s an adventure story. Now a days, if these whaling boats existed, they’d make a “Dirty Jobs” episode about it, or make a reality TV show about. Tao Lin in his terse style is great in an age when our time is limited and we are “in the know” of things via TV, Internet, all this info, but people would read books like Moby Dick back in the day, or the guy who wrote “Centennial” and “Hawaii” to learn of cultural/historical things–think “Les Miserable.” Young writers should be happy to have diarrhia of the pen/fingers and then learn to edit, but to each their own. The minimalist craze will continue, but look at DFW, who qulaified and had footnotes and went on and on about little things that made him a little crazy/anxious or whatever.
    This was funny though!

    • Thetruth

      I don’t know why you’re talking about Moby Dick like it’s dead and buried when it’s still a great read today. DFW and Infinite Jest will be forgotten to time as some exercise in post-post-post-post modern literature/art. 

      • http://mrianmbelcurry.tumblr.com/ Mr. Ian M. Belcurry

        I loved Moby Dick. I read it last year. I’m just talking abt the time period books were written and how the technology/societal/cultural aspects affect the writing style, what is accepted, what works, and how a book like Moby Dick–wouldn’t be written now because of style and society. Moby Dick is AMAZING. I loved it. Thomas Wolfe definately wouldn’t be published, and would Dickens be published, or would he be a documentary film maker showing the exploitation of children in 3rd world countries. These things should be considered when discussing minimalism and books like Moby Dick and Dickens, compared to Camus and Tao Lin, BEE and Denis Johnson.

  • http://puzzlingcreativity.blogspot.com/ puzzlingcreativity

    Creative writing courses are merely a temporary fix for writer’s block though, and this piece certainly sounded like an advertisement for a bogus drug, so somewhat accurate style I suppose.

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