Why No One Is Getting Laid

Aug. 29, 2011

By Ryan O'Connell info

Ryan O’Connell is a 25 year-old writer based in the East Village, New York.

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It seems really difficult to have sex these days. Why is that? I thought sex was the one thing everyone could agree on. Whether you were a Christian, a hippie, a punk, a prep, or a geek who played World of Warcraft, we would always have common ground with sex. Because sex is great! It makes us feel good, turns us on, and it gives us something to talk about with our friends. So why do we do subscribe to these stupid games that prevent us from getting laid?

In theory, it’s really easy to get someone to have sex with you. Straight girls, in particular, can get laid in a heartbeat. I’ve seen it happen; I’ve seen some of my girlfriends go into a bar and bag a guy in five minutes, and I get chills just watching them. I often wish that I had the courage to do that. Instead, I let my neuroses consistently cockblock me.  My brain: 1. My penis: 0. I have a feeling that I’m not the only who suffers from this type of analysis paralysis. I think the general sex mood of my generation is always feeling unsure and doing all of these technological dances “correctly” before you can finally have someone put their stuff in your stuff.

Maybe we’ve become too critical. Maybe Facebook and texting has turned us into a bunch of judgmental jerks who would say no to sex just because someone uses an emoticon or lists Dave Matthews Band under their favorite music. “Ugh, total dealbreaker!” Really? Well, have fun sleeping alone tonight next to your cool Beach House poster. I can see that listing Beach House under your favorite music is really helping you get laid. You know what, I bet the people who listen to Plain White T’s and Orgy have so much more sex because there’s freedom in having bad taste. It’s like when you see two hideous people walking down the street holding hands. Your initial reaction is that of disgust but it’s immediately replaced by envy when you realize you’re the one walking solo to the ice cream shop.

I want there to be a National Honesty Day (sort of like a revamped version of Liar, Liar and without Jim Carrey) where people text each other their true feelings. I’m sure the day will end in rioting and everyone’s phones/computers will be smashed to smithereens but at least our souls will feel cleansed.

In the meantime, I suggest just being a little more real if you want to get laid. Ask someone straight-up, “Are we having sex later because if not, I g2g.” The worst thing that can happen is the person says no and you have a nervous breakdown in the middle of the bar/street/deli, becoming fearful of putting yourself out there ever again! TC mark

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image – Susan Boyle’s Wikipedia LOL

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  • http://twitter.com/jarrodcohen Jarrod Cohen

    This hits home a little too hard…

  • Nicole

    It seems like people get more satisfaction out of knowing they can get laid rather than actually getting laid. I can go through my phone and say “This person and this person and this person would have sex with me,” but will I text any of them? Probably never.

  • Nicole

    It seems like people get more satisfaction out of knowing they can get laid rather than actually getting laid. I can go through my phone and say “This person and this person and this person would have sex with me,” but will I text any of them? Probably never.

  • Byron

    I’m getting laid all the time….. He’s probably laying other people too. :-/ You should write about why no one wants to be in a committed relationship these days. :-/

  • Byron

    I’m getting laid all the time….. He’s probably laying other people too. :-/ You should write about why no one wants to be in a committed relationship these days. :-/

  • http://twitter.com/HeliosofSweden Christoffer Lindgren
  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=9383035 Scott Muska

    I can empathize with the ‘analysis paralysis.’ Loved this.

  • http://distractionetc.blogspot.com Jennifer Schaffer

    “I’m sure the day will end in rioting and everyone’s phones/computers will be smashed to smithereens but at least our souls will feel cleansed.” ….OR everyone will get laid!

  • Jordan

    I’m not sure why you’re so insistent that ‘no one’ is getting laid, you’ve brought it up a few times now.  Even if someone is in a dry spell, does that mean everyone else is?

    But then again I guess this article doesn’t really work if it’s called ‘Why Some People Aren’t Getting Laid But Then Again Lots Of Other People Are So I Guess Overall Things Are Not Too Cray Cray, Beb!’  I guess a certain level of hyperbole is necessary?

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_FQBOL3ZHPHDYFGRD53EVFREV4A El puto

     I’m a virgin.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_FQBOL3ZHPHDYFGRD53EVFREV4A El puto

     I’m a virgin.

  • http://www.facebook.com/mnazdravan Maria Năzdrăvan

    “Maybe Facebook and texting has turned us into a bunch of judgmental jerks who would say no to sex just because someone uses an emoticon or lists Dave Matthews Band under their favorite music.” – I couldn’t agree more, I’ve seen myself turn down so many guys for reasons such as poor spelling skills or, you know, not liking Radiohead. Great article, where can I sign for “National Honesty Day”?

  • Jo

    Dave Matthews Band IS a deal breaker. Sorry.

  • http://somuchtocome.blogspot.com Aja

    I’m all for National Honesty Day if you can genuinely get people to sign up.  I think it’s going to be really tough.  I’ve been big on using my honesty all year in regard to dating.  It appears to be working against me each and every time!

  • http://twitter.com/emilybelden emily belden

    …because if not, I g2g. LOVE.

  • http://twitter.com/galette_rois Julian Galette

    Institute this national honesty day and I will participate. I’ve got bridges that need burning and feelings that should get poured out

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

    roofies

  • http://tdhurst.com tdhurst

    Just go talk to the fucking girl. Christ.

  • guest

    what is this even about

  • guest

    what is this even about

  • Woyzeck

    Instead of National Honesty Day I think you should have National Drinking Beer Year and you’ll be fucking set.

  • mashka

    oh c’mon people we can all successfully get in the ~bone zone~ with someone relatively easily. It’s just a matter of finding someone we actually want to do it with

  • Asdf

    troofies.

  • Asdf

    Sex. It’s about sex. Give it time, and your parents will tell you about the birds and the bees. It’s OK.

  • Asdf

    Uhm… I’ve got a little secret to share with you.

  • http://tdhurst.com tdhurst

    Or boy. Or half boy half girl. Whatever.

  • ghost taster

    I like to think that there really is freedom in bad taste.  Didn’t some dude once say at some time in history that ignorance is bliss?  

    I often entertain the notion of a hypothetical reality in which I unironically enjoy Hollywood romantic comedies and action films, wear Hollister clothing,  have no interest in depth or substance, and therefore (maybe) have a satisfying romantic life- because, in this hypothetical reality, what would I be able to judge people for, other than maybe being into some weird shit I’ve never even heard of?
    Unfortunately for the consciousness inhabiting my body in this reality, my failed attempts at pubescent cultural assimilation have left me wildly misanthropic and obsessed with obscure cultural ephemera, the knowledge of which I harness as a means of minimizing the value of others’ interests.Major bummers all around.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=10036647 Aimee Vondrak

    Seriously though… poor spelling says a lot about a person (and poor grammar along with that). That’s just my [honest] opinion. And my opinion about those people usually turns out to be right :]

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=10036647 Aimee Vondrak

    #preach

  • http://sans.deadti.me/ Amy McDeath

    National Honesty Day?

    I think I’m fine living with the fantasy that some people I don’t know about want to have sex with me, actually.

  • http://sans.deadti.me/ Amy McDeath

    National Honesty Day?

    I think I’m fine living with the fantasy that some people I don’t know about want to have sex with me, actually.

  • Maxwell Smart

    I know why I don’t get laid: because I’m a 6.5 or 7 and I only want to fuck 8′s and above.

  • anna

    I read this while listening to Beach House. Alone. In my room. 

    I see what you mean.

  • anna

    I read this while listening to Beach House. Alone. In my room. 

    I see what you mean.

  • Guestropod

    Man, you suck.  

  • http://twitter.com/vickstahs Vicky Nguyen

    I like how just before I found this article on: “You might also like”.. and it read a little something like

    “Why No One is Getting Laid” (on site).

    I laughed a lot more than I should be.

  • _____

    i have two beach house posters in my room and a signed beach house set list on my bulletin board. this is not a joke. brb, suiciding 

  • Craycraybeb.

    “I want there to be a National Honesty Day (sort of like a revamped version of Liar, Liar and without Jim Carrey) where people text each other their true feelings. I’m sure the day will end in rioting and everyone’s phones/computers will be smashed to smithereens but at least our souls will feel cleansed.”

    This.

  • http://twitter.com/SisterSoda Eva

    do you know there is a Rufus Wainwright song exactly about what this article is about? it’s called “Vibrate” and it’s so beautiful listening to it can actually make you forget the whole waiting. try it.

  • http://twitter.com/SisterSoda Eva

    ha, wrong tab, this sucks.

  • http://twitter.com/SisterSoda Eva

    ha, wrong tab, this sucks.

  • Lisapk

    I like sex a lot! I do not play games I tell the guy up front if he has a chance or not. I was seeing this guy for a wile and he told me everyday he desired me but made excuses to have sex with me. It made me sad and worried what I was doing wrong. I asked him then I found out he was married and liked cheating on his wife. Oh boy o well now I’m just not having sex because he hurt me and I do not wish to get to close to anyone right now. But I know I will again it’s in my nature to love men!

  • Lisapk

    Okay the truth is I want to have sex again and soon. I have had recent offers. I need to just decide who and when. It’s really easy for me men always tell me they want me. I think having looks is a curse though it’s been my one big flaw they like my looks more then me it sucks. I wish I could meet a nice guy good and wild in bed who would see who I am inside look past what is on the outside.

  • JinDC

    Ryan, why did you drag poor Susan Boyle into this by featuring her picture at the top of the article?   I am not disagreeing with the choice …. but she has feeling too!   :-) 

  • anon

    ughhhhhhh

  • Robert.

    correction, women get more satisfaction out of it.

  • wackomet

    2012: Beer Year

  • wackomet
  • munchimaid

    National honesty day would be a good day for most but for me I secretly hate everybody more than I love them so the day after I’ll be buying people forgive me balloons and chocolates.  Have a national forgive me day after the honesty day. Everybody will get a taste of what marriage is like for two days.    I’m never getting laid.  

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_FQBOL3ZHPHDYFGRD53EVFREV4A El puto

     ha

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