When I’m High

Jul. 24, 2011

By Paul Barker info

Paul graduated from Evergreen State College. He lived and worked in Portland, Oregon for a bit, but now resides ...

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When I’m high on painkillers, I get really dehydrated. I chug a lot of water and like to munch on popsicles. I sometimes joke that I have an opiate fridge. You look inside it and you just see tons of water and soft foods. I’m like Rachel Ray if she were on Vicodin. People tell me that’s what it’s like when you’re on Ecstasy, but I don’t know really know because I’ve never tried that drug. I already have this vice. I surely don’t need another.

When I’m high on painkillers, my voice gets really scratchy. I sound like a sex phone operator and I like it. My skin might itch too. Some find that annoying but I like it because it just means that the drugs are working, it means that I’m getting super high.

When I’m high on painkillers, it feels like I’m clutching a body pillow on a warm summer night. I like to stick my feet out of my fourth story window of my apartment and watch the people walk by. I lay in my bed and look at the ceiling while listening to some fuzzed out music. I think about my wonderful apartment and wonderful friends and cute girls and boys and I get anxiety about the high ending too soon.

When I’m high on painkillers, it feels like my world exists in a blanket of fuzz. There’s a film over my eyes that prevents me from seeing all of the harsh edges. I see what I want to see, I feel only the good things. I’m in control here. I rub my legs, call people on the telephone and talk for hours. Painkillers are weird like that. They either make me become completely anti-social. I want to just retreat to my opium den, surf the internet, and make a fort out of pillows. Or I want to talk to you about how much I love everything for hours. In that way, I guess it’s like cocaine.

When I’m high on painkillers, no one knows it. That’s the beauty of the drug. You can swallow two at dinner and people will think it’s Advil. You might get chattier and nicer but that’s about it. I made sure to never take anything stronger than Percocet because I want to be semi-functional at all times. Oxy scares me. I would never do it because that would be really crazy, that would mean I was in deep. These are the lies you tell yourself when you’re abusing any drug. You give yourself rules (“I will only do this on Tuesdays and Thursdays”, “I will never try anything stronger than Percs”) but you will always break them. And then new rules will pop up (“Okay, I can do it every day except for Sunday”) and it will just be a never ending cycle of lies.

When I’m high on painkillers, I’m never horny. I seriously forget I have a dick because the opiate high is better than any orgasm I could ever get. I can go two weeks without jacking off and even then, I will only do it because I feel obligated, because I need to feel normal.

When I’m high on painkillers, I feel really cool. I love carrying around a pouch of pills at a party and calling them my vitamins. I’ve given the pills human names as if it’s a giant joke. “is Victoria or Percy coming tonight?” “Why yes, she is!” Trivializing it makes it seem like a joke, like you’re not really hurting yourself or your body. It’s really funny. Yep.

When I’m high on painkillers, I like to go to the movies or a museum or sit in a cafe and listen to music on my headphones. I like to be alone and not in a crowded place. If I’m around too many things, I’ll get stressed and it will ruin my high. You’re like a delicate soufflé that’s in danger of crumbling. If one thing goes wrong, you can just start sobbing. You’re very fragile.

When I’m high on painkillers, I can’t imagine why anyone would not like it. I hear people talk about how Vicodin made them sick or loopy from their wisdom teeth removal and I want to tell them, “Are you crazy? They’re the best. Do you have any left over?”

When I’m high on painkillers, I’m addicted to thinking that I’m addicted to them. And then when the high is over, I’ll flush the rest down the toilet and won’t touch them for two months. I make a terrible addict because I think too much and I’m paranoid and I honestly don’t want to ever need something when I wake up in the morning.

I can only write this now since I’ve had some distance with the drug. It’s insane the lengths you’ll go to convince yourself that what you’re doing is normal. Chasing three Percocet every day with a tangerine popsicle, while fun, loses its luster after awhile. Imagine that. TC mark

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  • Garissonspence

    soudns like youre in deep! pussy

    • yum

      i’d love to be in deep pussy.

      wait sorry i think i read that wrong.

  • GUEST

    Interesting take

  • Jill

    wow. Get off the pain killers..

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=704016484 Joe Ott

      he is, jackoff. your infinite wisdom and goodness should have led you to, you know, read the article before posting.

  • Virginia

    Can someone at Thought Catalog please start editing these? This was interesting but it reads like a second grade essay: “When i feel sad … I tk tk tk. When I feel sad, I blah blah blah. When I feel sad, I only have one way to start a paragraph. When I feel sad I am incapable of writing an elegant transition.”

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

      don’t be crass

    • Wrong

      stfu. We read TC for vicarious experiences and nostalgia. You apparently read TC for beautiful prose. Stop being a bitch. 

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=704016484 Joe Ott

        mm i agree and part but disagree that i sometimes don’t read TC for some damn good prose style.

      • Virginia

        Apparently, you have never experienced both at the same time. How sad for you. 

    • Guest

      Because I am probably not a writer or avid reader I do not understand the rhetorical devices in another person’s essay.  Because I am probably not a writer or avid reader I can not recognize that SOME repetition is intentional.

      • Virginia

        A rhetorical device! Ah. It all makes sense now. Repetition … ON PURPOSE. Ah. Ok. That changes everything. I just thought it was laziness and bad writing but now I see that it’s PURE GENIUS! Hallelujah. 

      • Guest

        Never said it was pure genius.  Simply stating that intentional repetition would probably not be edited out by TC before posting.  I’d also argue that the repetition was used successfully here and is not an example of “laziness” or “bad writing”.  To each their own.

      • Virginia

        To each his own. (Or her own.) You’re welcome. 

      • Anonymous

        It’s obviously a device.  But how many times has it been used on here in the last month?

    • Guest

      Because I am probably not a writer or avid reader I do not understand the rhetorical devices in another person’s essay.  Because I am probably not a writer or avid reader I can not recognize that SOME repetition is intentional.

  • jack

    =)
     

  • Guest

    This was really good 

  • Sam

    I could’ve written this 2 years ago. Even the part about giving my drug a human name. My heart once belonged to oxycontin. Did it once a week, then twice a week, then every other day, then everyday (the latter period lasted only about 2 weeks). And yes, at that point I finally experienced physical withdrawal. I forced myself to go cold turkey, and I was successful, and now I can dabble with opiates safely. 

    The key is to never have a set schedule of drug use. If you say to yourself that you will do them once a month for example, you will always start to break your rules. Do them only on spur-of-the-moment occasions. Only when the drugs present themselves to you.

    It’s been working well for me. Of course, the best option is to never use painkillers recreationally, but they’re too damn good.

  • Lauren

    this was probably my least favorite article i’ve read on TC. disgusting.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=704016484 Joe Ott

      Your ignorance and naiveté are pathetic. You have no moral authority to adjudge what another being freely does to himself, much less his courage to discuss it honestly–your repressed guilt and self-loathing are truly disgusting.

      • Lauren

        judging by your other comments it’s clear you’re dying to blow paul

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=704016484 Joe Ott

        paul and I are kindred spirits biatch…

  • Marissa

    I love how quick some people jump to attack the work of another person. The comment section of this whole site is “bitch, bitch, bitch you’re such a  bad writer, I could have done this in the 2nd grade, don’t write here ever again”

    There are good points to pull out of everything, even things you don’t like. Make your point valid and use constructive criticism, not pointless whining.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

    made me want to drink water; thanks

  • Natalie

    Hey, I got some bad news for you- oxy and percocet are the same thing. Vicodin is slightly different, and usually stronger, than oxy and percocet. Just thought you might want to know.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=704016484 Joe Ott

      First, he said he was done, and I take that assertion in good faith absent a showing to the contrary. Second, as opiate derivatives, the same logic–that the difference between each drug is arbitrary–applies to heroin. As heroin is significantly cheaper and better than her diluted cousins, this causes significant problems for some of us who just don’t give a shit.

    • um

      vicodin is not stronger than anything besides tyenol. oxy and perc are the same in that theyre both oxycodone. however, oxycontin administers it in a much higher dosage. they are NOT the same thing

  • http://twitter.com/MissKimball misskimball

    I’m pro drugs today because of the wave of winehouse butthurt that’s making the UK a very difficult place to live in just now. Watch yourself though bro, this shit creeps up on you. You’re always in deeper than you think.
    I have a friend who likes the pharmaceuticals too much and it seems quite a morbid thing. He knows exactly what heath ledger’s intake was and doesn’t care that he’s taking more. It’s like a competition he wins if he wakes up in the morning

    I don’t really like opiates, I guess I haven’t taken enough but it seems like something to make shitty times bearable rather than making a good night more special like acid or something would do

  • http://twitter.com/MissKimball misskimball

    I’m pro drugs today because of the wave of winehouse butthurt that’s making the UK a very difficult place to live in just now. Watch yourself though bro, this shit creeps up on you. You’re always in deeper than you think.
    I have a friend who likes the pharmaceuticals too much and it seems quite a morbid thing. He knows exactly what heath ledger’s intake was and doesn’t care that he’s taking more. It’s like a competition he wins if he wakes up in the morning

    I don’t really like opiates, I guess I haven’t taken enough but it seems like something to make shitty times bearable rather than making a good night more special like acid or something would do

  • http://twitter.com/colleennika Colleen Nika

    I hope you wrote this under a pseudonym. Otherwise, good luck when your employers Google you.

  • Maggie

    i like that you said tangerine popsicle instead of orange popsicle

  • Anti-Climacus

    I like to imagine that Rachael Ray pops a Vicodin and washes it down with a little EVOO before every taping. 

  • http://twitter.com/ConstantCrux Diana Martinez

    insanely brave and the writing was fantastic. 

  • Asavva

    I have a devastating, agonizing autoimmune disease and I am forced to take Oxycontin and Oxycodone 24hrs a day to even be able to stand or walk. I can’t believe anyone would want to consume this shit on purpose, to “get high”. You are lucky you have a choice. Plus, it’s the abusers who make it difficult for people who have legitimate pain to obtain the pain-relief they need.

  • Ex-Opiate Lover

    Great article. I can rely to it completely.

  • Scott Southard

     Wow, the comment section on here is one step above youtube.

  • whateva

    Its funny cuz most of you that are commenting are either hipsters or too pussy to try drugs. You’re not a better person if you’ve never dabbled in drugs, in fact, I respect someone more if they’ve done or do drugs and kept their shit together, that takes more strength and self control. 

  • The Birds

    I think I wrote this in my sleep. couldn’t be more terrifying and true and perfect

  • ethan

    This really resonated with me for a variety of reasons. A commenter said that you’re always in deeper than you think, and it’s so true. I’ve struggled with heroin and opiate addiction for a period of time and it changes your entire mindset. I’m glad that you were able to get out before things got too far. 

  • Anonymous

    Wow, let me tell you. The way you kept repeating when I’m high literally drew me into a movie about your life when you got high… I felt like I was watching Fight Club. One moment getting high is fun, and then you took it down a dark path. Wow I’m so touched by this piece.

  • Chrisandjim10

    Um, sorry, but I’m pretty sure you’ve never taken Percocets. They’re nothing like that.
    Sounds like you chewed up a bunch of drug stereotypes and spit them out here.
    Good try.

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