What Your Twitter Bio Says About You
“Internet Guru.” You have fewer than 100 Twitter followers.
“photographer.” You’ve taken a photograph of a flower covered in rain droplets with the sole purpose of uploading it to Tumblr.
“Tech Wizard.” You played Magic: The Gathering as a child.
“Social Media Ninja.” You signed up for Twitter and then let your account sit dormant for at least 365 days while repeating “I just… don’t get Twitter” countless times to anyone who would listen before sending your second tweet. (Your first tweet: “Hello anyone out there… I don’t get this lol”)
“Tweets do NOT represent the opinions of my employer.” You have unwillingly worn a tie, Spanx, or both to work in the past 90 days.
“All things digital.” You have an iPhone, most likely say the words “mock-ups” and “wireframes” often, and probably refer to navigating the internet as “driving.”
“Animal lover.” You called out of work when Steve Irwin died.
“People watcher.” You spend an inappropriate amount of time in coffee shops shit talking other people in the coffee shop to yourself.
“Novelist.” You’re just waiting to hear back from your agent, but you swear, by this time next year, you’ll be sitting pretty on the shelves of Barnes & Noble.
“Always smiling.” Your parents spent thousands of dollars in orthodontic work for you before you were old enough to be deemed a worthy investment.
“Intern at [PR firm or company with “Communications” in its title].” You’re a just-out-of-college female in DC or NYC who wears business casual and retweets @whitegirlproblems at least twice a week.
“Into baking and knitting.” You have a Tumblr on which you post Polaroid-ish nostalgia callbacks of trends that occurred before you were born.
“Hot yoga.” See “Intern at [PR firm or company with “Communications” in its title].”
“Nerd.” You actually don’t know anything about the things you made fun of the ‘authentic’ nerds for liking in high school, i.e. D&D, coding, Magic, Anime, etc.
“Poet.” You post poetry on your blog.
“Stay-at-home mom. Live, laugh, love. Tweets a lot, but not a bot!” You spend 12/24 hours of your day retweeting Twitter contests. Example: “Tweet us your HAIRY moment to win 2 Schick razors! Plz RT & Follow!” DIAF.
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Because I was born poor, I realized the world was unequal and unfair.
Everyone deserves the chance to make their dreams come true. The opportunity to shine is not the privilege or the province of the wealthy or the cosmopolitan; it is the birthright of the human person.
Advil won’t touch your headache and no matter how many times you brush your teeth, you can’t mistake the smell of agave. You swear it off for good and you really mean it this time. For months, even the smell of limes makes you gag. But then…
Don’t let anybody else dictate how you feel about yourself or what you do with your life. You are not a democracy. Nobody else gets a vote.