Upon Realizing You No Longer Love Your Ex

Nov. 1, 2011

By Mila Jaroniec info

Mila lives and writes in DC.

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When this happens, you can be doing anything at all: waiting in line for a latte, jamming your feet into office-appropriate pumps, waking up still hazy-drunk next to your one night stand. Literally anything. You can be doing whatever normal, everyday thing you’re doing, and suddenly you realize, with an urgent nervousness, you haven’t thought about your ex in days. You’re shocked and surprised — how the hell? They used to be on repeat in your brain every day for the past five months. But now that you’ve realized you haven’t been thinking about them, you start to think about them.

And you wait for the familiar rush of nausea, but it doesn’t come. Pause and consider this. Why not? This is, after all, the person who put you in an emotional coma for what felt like forever, who is borderline responsible for the subtraction of thirty pounds and probably as many years off your life, judging by the endless cigarette cartons and liquor bottles that are still turning up around the apartment. How can you think about this person, this person you signed away your heart to and who once meant the world to you, and suddenly, inexplicably, feel nothing at all?

Somehow, you can. You consider them a little longer, trying to remember their face, the sound of their name in your voice. But it’s difficult to remember these details, they’re so far down the tunnel. Something changed. Something shifted. You briefly think about them kissing whoever took your place, bracing yourself for the instant tightening in your chest. And… nothing. You continue to find yourself completely and deliciously blank.

It’s exhilarating. You’re relieved. Finally. Finally you can stop half-assing your life, cautiously keeping your distance from certain people, places, objects and times of day for fear of another meltdown. You’re excited to finally be able to listen to that one song all the way through, the one you loved so much before you associated it with them and could no longer stomach. It’s yours again. You have it back. You can finally chill out and go on that nerve-free coffee date with the mutual friend you’ve been avoiding. You can eat grilled cheese totally objectively once again, indifferent to the fact that they liked it with a ridiculous amount of sriracha or the fact that you, in hopeful displays of affection, used to draw sriracha hearts on top of their grilled cheese sandwiches.

Then, out of nowhere, you’re consumed by a dim fear. It scares you that you don’t care anymore, that they could win a Pulitzer or get deported and it would all be completely the same. You’ve never been indifferent, and now you are — something inherently shifted that made you go from loving, craving this person so deeply, from being willing to forgive them anything just for one more moment in their arms, to feeling absolutely nothing at all. Their existence is no longer of any import. You wonder whether you had the wrong idea about yourself all along.

Maybe there was no “emotions off” switch that got flicked. Maybe it was a gradual erasure and your heart just now acknowledged what your head figured out long ago. Either way, your sensibility got altered somehow: you can now see clearly. They don’t love you, and that’s totally okay because you don’t love them either. You think back to the person you were three months ago, trembling and crying in an empty, unmade bed. You don’t recognize that person.

At first, it’s not enough to sever the connection with the person who broke your heart – for some strange, human reason, you want them to know how much damage they really did. You want your pain validated; want them to be moved by some overwhelming feeling (regret? despair?) and feel just as small and brittle as you do. And then you feel a surge of triumph when you finally let go, extract the toxin you’ve been pooling in your heart.

And it’s a sobering feeling, realizing they have probably felt this way — far-removed — for months. Realizing that what you went through, the phoenix-like rebirth of yourself from mascara-covered sadsack pasted to the bathroom floor to confident, capable human being who is able to get to work on time and smile at children, is not a shared experience. They’ve been okay for a long time; you’re just now catching up. Which is okay. You’re late for the party anyway, might as well take your time walking there. TC mark

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image – Aaron Stidwell

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  • Guest

    When will this ever happen to me? :(

  • Cheryl Keit Ang

    It did to me. You’ll be okay.

  • http://twitter.com/spencercniemetz Spencer Niemetz

    Why does everyone lose weight during breakups but me?

  • Naomi

    This.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1690980049 Uchenna Anyiam

    I understand feeling sad and all, but I don’t sit around feeling sorry for myself. I hit the gym and surround myself with friends until that “not caring” feeling finally comes around. And then I keep it up. 

  • Sophia

    This piece hit me so hard. Every single sentence resonates. I’m not sure I’ve ever related to a piece more. Please write more articles just like this.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=507159106 Nikki McGillicuddy

    I enjoyed reading. It made think about how you eventually end up at the same destination, just at different times. It’s as if some one takes a plane to “not caring and wanting to be in a relationship”, and the other person takes a car, you both get there, but for one person it takes much longer. 
    I’ve found my past lovers to be a tricky type at best, most(not all) usually come back and tell me how much they miss me  and are sorry for how they acted, but by then it’s too late, i’m not into backtracking.

  • Anya

    I thought it would never come either, but it did. Be patient.. it will also come for you. :)

  • Guest

    You continue to find yourself completely and deliciously blank. THIS. 

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=507159106 Nikki McGillicuddy

    that’s a great way to do it, but people react to things differently, some people go out and become active socially, and some people just hermit up. 

  • http://twitter.com/mung_beans Mung Beans

    it feels gooooooooooooood

  • Melissa

    “hit the gym”

  • Rana

    ya i eat my feelings..wish i went ano instead!

  • Danielle Nathan

    I promise it will!

  • Hannah

    I’m trying to find comfort in the fact that this will happen to me someday but all I can think about is that this has already happened to my ex. And one day it will be mutual indifference and there will be absolutely nothing left of what once was, not even one-sided remnants of feelings. What if I care about not caring? Then I’ll have to wait for the day where I stop caring about having stopped caring. 

    This fucking blows.

  • http://thefirstchurchofmutterhals.blogspot.com/ mutterhals

    Once my exes are out of my face I completely forget them.

  • http://profiles.google.com/brainhax667 Daniel Bowman

    I used the gym to help me get over love. It was the most masculine I have ever felt. It didn’t help me get over it though, it was just a coping mechanism. I like your notion that we can be doing absolutely anything when it happens. It really is that sudden.

  • http://profiles.google.com/brainhax667 Daniel Bowman

    How devoted can you be to them if they are so forgettable?

  • http://thefirstchurchofmutterhals.blogspot.com/ mutterhals

    Apparently not very devoted, given they’re my exes.

  • guest

    i also never thought it would… and it did! hooray! you’ll get there soon, promise. 

  • http://twitter.com/dianasalier diana salier

    i totally relate. sometimes i think the worrying about not caring is what holds me back.

  • http://twitter.com/RESEWON Theresa Won

    “you’re just somebody that i used to know…” – elliott smith
    this was really beautifully written.

  • Benjy

    Not quite there yet, but I look forward to re-reading this when I am.

  • Anonymous
  • https://twitter.com/iamthepuddles Jordana Bevan

    Perfect timing, perfect writing, perfect article. Thank you.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100000957852881 Arisa Yuki

    Beautiful :) thank you. 

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_4T27JL52BMUIB55WOG3BZDTTBU Mercedes

    I remember being sixteen and going through this whole “eureka” moment after a really, really bad break up. It was the best feeling in life. Thank you for describing it perfectly.

  • Guest

    I’ve never seen anyone describe the experience of having my heart obliterated as painfully, honestly accurate as you have. I still sort of love him, but one day I won’t and this gives me hope that it will happen, and when it does, I will be okay. <3

  • http://twitter.com/AlkalineSuicide Alkaline Suicide

    Definitely not quite there yet… but this article made me realize that I really will be. And made me excited for the moment rather than dread it. Thanks for this. 

  • :)

    This happened to me just yesterday. And reading this post now just makes everything more real :) (and not one of those ‘oh-I-think-I’ve-gotten-over-him-already’ days)

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=10036647 Aimee Vondrak

    Loves about every word of this, but specifically this resonated with me: “Either way, your sensibility got altered somehow: you can now see clearly. They don’t love you, and that’s totally okay because you don’t love them either. You think back to the person you were three months ago, trembling and crying in an empty, unmade bed. You don’t recognize that person.”

    It’s crazy how our brain lets us have these small victories in those triumphant realizations. Then it’s like, okay wait. How did I forget how refreshing this feeling is like 4 months ago? And how was I not just automatically able to turn that on when I was curled up in a ball sobbing my brains out? Increds~

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_GJUXPUAXQBV6CDFD42UWIFAP6M miya

    Indeed a delicious blank.

  • Ffhh

    This. Is. Perfect. My life in one article. Thank you so much for this.

  • Fernanda Cortes A

    six months and I’m still caring. He started calling again, wants to get back. This is so difficult! 

  • Katie

    the ending is great.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Steven-Timberman/922794 Steven Timberman

    Love this so, so much. Though my problem is always that whenever I think I’m completely out of the woods, I end up drunk and alone at 3:30 on a Saturday night and suddenly I’m bawling my eyes out to an old Tom Petty song. I can never tell if I’m mourning for what I lost or what I’ve failed to gain since.

  • http://www.facebook.com/arian.monkey92 Rana Mahran

    I remember when I felt this moment. Back at the end of June, I called the guy I was in a relationship with at the time (I use the term ‘relationship’ very loosely here), and he says, “Oh, by the way, just so you know, I’m seeing this girl now.” Without breaking up with me first. 

    I remember hanging up, and instead of crying, I started giggling. He’s done this to me three times; the first time, oh, I cried. I cried my eyeballs out. The second time, he just said it was until she got back to Germany in April, he said he was just ‘dating her’ rather than ‘seeing her’- he had this retarded idea that dating=casual going out, seeing=more serious relationship. 

    And it was hat moment I started giggling because, when I hung up, I realized I’m no longer a part of it, and when its no longer a part of you…it all just seems so silly, so retarded, so pathetic you really can’t help but laugh. XD

  • Anonymous

    I hope this happens to me now. I’ve been in this dark hole for almost 9 months. :((

  • guest

    I’m on the verge of a break-up. I’ve been a mess for days — I know it’s coming. We’ve been doing long distance for too long, and things have run their course. It’s not being apart that scares me, since we’re already hundreds of miles apart, but it’s the aftermath — the emptiness I’m going to feel for the next [three? six? nine?] months. But this gives me hope. I didn’t love him two years ago. Two years from now, I hope I don’t again.

  • stagnant

    it’s been 7 years and I’m still not there yet. I got a proposal from someone else and accepted it thinking eventually I will get over him. Nope. Not yet. 7 years.

  • Guest

    This is very beautifully written, I can’t wait to see more of your work! :)

  • Oceankrystal713

    You worded this feeling perfectly. And I am quite happy that I’ve finally gone through this feeling. Good luck for those who are waiting for this to happen!

  • Guest

    I was in the exact same situation as you three weeks ago. We did long distance for seven months after only being together for two weeks. Two weeks before he came back for good, things fell apart. He refused to break up with me, saying nothing was set in stone, but I knew things were over. I cried every morning, every night, sporadically during the day. I held onto the hope that he’d see me and remember how much he loved me. Then he came back two days ago and told me he felt nothing at all for me. He broke up with me, went back home, and now I’m just starting the breakup recovery process. I don’t know how long it’s going to take to be okay again, but I know the day will come, and until then I’ll just have to grit my teeth and bear the long nights and longer mornings.

  • oliveR

    “Maybe it was a gradual erasure and your heart just now acknowledged what your head figured out long ago.” Why does this always happen. 

  • Ana

    Actually, mine happened just about an hour ago and it was with a boyfriend who had dumped me last Saturday night over an argument about being stood up too many times.  I woke up this morning and was going crazy with sexual desire for him.  Then he called me tonight, out of the blue, and I caught him in a lie that made me realize he’s been avoiding me for some time.  Maybe it was another woman?  I don’t know.  But when the realization hit it wasn’t earth shattering, but actually sad.  Sad  that I lost love and desire for him upon immediately realizing I no longer trusted him. 

  • Mandy

    I was a tough, cynical New Yorker who now
    knows that certain people are brought into our lives to help change us and make
    us grow. My ex-boyfriend was one such person. While a bible thumping God,
    Country, and Guns, Redneck Baptist he was also one of the sweetest, gentlest,
    and kindest human beings I’ve ever met. As a result he’s made me sweeter,
    kinder, and gentler too. What a gift I’ve been given. Too bad so many don’t realize
    that what we’ve gained is so much more than what we’ve lost; even only if that
    loss is to make us more emotionally mature and ready to deal with a future
    relationship in a better way.

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