Top 10 Worst Fruits to Get Blowjobs From

Jan. 3, 2011

By Tao Lin info

Tao Lin is a writer living in Manhattan, NY.

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2. DURIAN

Undoubtably the most demanding fruit in terms of oral sex, if not the “worst” (some say coconuts are #1 only because of a semantic inaccuracy), durians love to perform unseemlily protracted blowjobs, refusing to try any method that doesn’t last at least 89 hours, claiming that their spiked exteriors can only be pierced by the nonstop and specific—but easily learnable, reliably safe, and ultimately enjoyable—thrust of an erect penis for 89 hours. Once pierced, however—and even the most zealous members of The Durian Council of Oral Sex admit this to be a troublingly solutionless problem—the fleshy interior of the durian, now exposed, will indomitably emit its cheese-y/rotten-egg-like odor, causing penises to become flaccid within 25 seconds. No human being has ever been known to have orgasmed from a durian blowjob, of which durians officially claim to be “just one of the thousands of faults of the modern human being, who doesn’t want to work to get anything and only cares about orgasming within 5 minutes, only to then complain for hours each day about the ‘meaninglessness’ of life, the fleeting nature of pleasure, the evils of capitalism and the bourgeoisie and gentrification, the likes and passions and accomplishments and lives of others.”

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  • http://twitter.com/readdanwrite Daniel Roberts

    hehe

  • http://butterteam.tumblr.com/ butterteam

    i refuse to play the pageview game. put all this shiz on one page yall

  • Manam

    died at “The Coconut Decision”.

  • chris k

    this is my favourite Tao Lin thought catalog article so far, i think. really liked it.

  • http://blog.cheetahdeals.com CheetahDeals Blog

    I second “BUTTERTEAM.” I love Tao Lin (and feel vaguely ok about Thought Catalog), but I am not clicking “Next” nine more times.

    Oh, how lazy I've become. =

  • Madison Moore

    GLORIOUS.

  • http://tomhankssuperfan.blogspot.com megan boyle

    lol…

  • http://heheheheheheheeheheheehehe.com/ tao

    bro…

  • http://heheheheheheheeheheheehehe.com/ tao

    bro…

  • http://heheheheheheheeheheheehehe.com/ tao

    sweet

  • http://heheheheheheheeheheheehehe.com/ tao

    hehe

  • http://blog.cheetahdeals.com CheetahDeals Blog

    For the first half of Richard Yates I thought you were HJO, but for the second half I thought that HJO was being a really creepy asshole (like as if someone heard Radiohead's “Creep” and it took v. literally as his life plan), and then I stopped thinking you were HJO.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Parker-Baldin/516709205 Parker Baldin

    lol, thats funny

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=505759069 Julian Tully Alexander

    “just one of the thousands of faults of the modern human being, who doesn’t want to work to get anything and only cares about orgasming within 5 minutes, only to then complain for hours each day about the ‘meaninglessness’ of life, the fleeting nature of pleasure, the evils of capitalism and the bourgeoisie and gentrification, the likes and passions and accomplishments and lives of others.”-Tao Lin

    I now feel the urge to go out and get blowjobs from all other fruit not on the list. Seems like they would be pretty good.

  • http://www.smokingonanemptystomach.blogspot.com Jordan

    lol… sweet

  • Joe Martin

    Durian fruit seems depressed

  • http://twitter.com/ponchopeligroso Poncho Peligroso

    LVML

  • Toxicorder

    This was awesomely absurd

  • http://twitter.com/JosephErnest Joseph Ernest Harper

    Would like to fuck a passionfruit. Just to try it.

    Inclusion of banana seems mildly homophobic.

    Lime was my favourite.

  • Julian Assange

    lol

  • http://kumquatparadise.tumblr.com aaron nicholas

    “a popular thread on a Diablo II messageboard complaining about how “duping” has ruined the “high” players used to be able to feel upon finding rare/unique items digressed suddenly into a seemingly earnest discussion about the viability of masturbating using a sock that has had 2-4 banana peels sewed carefully into its interior”

    holy shit, if this thread existed i probably commented on it. of the hundreds of stone of jordans that passed through my account i only found 1 naturally.

    waxing seriously nostalgic on diablo 2 right now, wow. miss u d2.

  • http://popserial.tumblr.com stephen

    lol… :)

  • http://brianmcelmurry.blogspot.com/ Brian McElmurry

    Guava jelly and a banana leaf seems ideal. Odd and entertaining.

  • http://heheheheheheheeheheheehehe.com/ tao

    sweet

    ~40-90% chance i'll buy and play diablo iii

  • http://heheheheheheheeheheheehehe.com/ tao

    sweet…

  • http://heheheheheheheeheheheehehe.com/ tao

    sweet…

  • http://heheheheheheheeheheheehehe.com/ tao

    sweet

  • http://heheheheheheheeheheheehehe.com/ tao

    guava jelly…interesting

  • http://twitter.com/derpcircus miles barney

    heheheheheheheeheheheehehe

  • http://twitter.com/rislynsey christopher lynsey

    You think about weird things, Tao.

  • http://twitter.com/rislynsey christopher lynsey

    No joke. Aesthetic reasons. Aesthetic reasons.

  • http://twitter.com/rislynsey christopher lynsey

    Segmenting content is respecting content. It allows for proper digestion, reflection, and whole picture consummation.

  • G. Gephardt Frakes

    If Tao Lin were to be a worst fruit to get blowjobs from, which rank would he make?

  • WearilyWestlyEastly

    I highly recommend that the mango finds a place on this list. The reason being that the skin harbors sumac oil which is some sort of relative to poison ivy. I, myself, have been plagued by this because when the fruit skin touches me I turn orange at the point of contact. This usually means orange, crystalized lips. Mango is the king of fruits.

  • WearilyWestlyEastly

    forgive my terseness but the mango is pithy enough.

  • racing games

    wow great nice Info. One can get so much knowledge from it.

  • Crack Information

    sweet

  • Crack Information

    mangos love it

  • juggalo

    this one time I fucked a tomato. after about 1.5 minutes felt overwhelmed with embarrassment and set the tomato aside while I quietly and disappointingly masturbated into a sock.

  • Anonymous

    Do people know about this? What has TC become??!!

  • Willneibergall

    as much as it pains me to say this re: something lin wrote, this is definitely the best thing that has ever appeared on thought catalog. it’s probably the only good thing

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