Top 10 Worst Fruits to Get Blowjobs From

Jan. 3, 2011

By Tao Lin info

Tao Lin (b. 1983) is the author of 7 books of fiction/poetry including Richard Yates (2010) and Bed (2007). Vintage ...

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2. DURIAN

Undoubtably the most demanding fruit in terms of oral sex, if not the “worst” (some say coconuts are #1 only because of a semantic inaccuracy), durians love to perform unseemlily protracted blowjobs, refusing to try any method that doesn’t last at least 89 hours, claiming that their spiked exteriors can only be pierced by the nonstop and specific—but easily learnable, reliably safe, and ultimately enjoyable—thrust of an erect penis for 89 hours. Once pierced, however—and even the most zealous members of The Durian Council of Oral Sex admit this to be a troublingly solutionless problem—the fleshy interior of the durian, now exposed, will indomitably emit its cheese-y/rotten-egg-like odor, causing penises to become flaccid within 25 seconds. No human being has ever been known to have orgasmed from a durian blowjob, of which durians officially claim to be “just one of the thousands of faults of the modern human being, who doesn’t want to work to get anything and only cares about orgasming within 5 minutes, only to then complain for hours each day about the ‘meaninglessness’ of life, the fleeting nature of pleasure, the evils of capitalism and the bourgeoisie and gentrification, the likes and passions and accomplishments and lives of others.”

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  • http://twitter.com/readdanwrite Daniel Roberts

    hehe

    • http://heheheheheheheeheheheehehe.com/ tao

      hehe

  • http://butterteam.tumblr.com/ butterteam

    i refuse to play the pageview game. put all this shiz on one page yall

    • http://heheheheheheheeheheheehehe.com/ tao

      bro…

      • http://twitter.com/rislynsey christopher lynsey

        No joke. Aesthetic reasons. Aesthetic reasons.

      • http://twitter.com/rislynsey christopher lynsey

        Segmenting content is respecting content. It allows for proper digestion, reflection, and whole picture consummation.

  • Manam

    died at “The Coconut Decision”.

  • chris k

    this is my favourite Tao Lin thought catalog article so far, i think. really liked it.

  • http://blog.cheetahdeals.com CheetahDeals Blog

    I second “BUTTERTEAM.” I love Tao Lin (and feel vaguely ok about Thought Catalog), but I am not clicking “Next” nine more times.

    Oh, how lazy I've become. =

    • http://heheheheheheheeheheheehehe.com/ tao

      bro…

      • http://blog.cheetahdeals.com CheetahDeals Blog

        For the first half of Richard Yates I thought you were HJO, but for the second half I thought that HJO was being a really creepy asshole (like as if someone heard Radiohead's “Creep” and it took v. literally as his life plan), and then I stopped thinking you were HJO.

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Parker-Baldin/516709205 Parker Baldin

        lol, thats funny

  • Madison Moore

    GLORIOUS.

    • http://heheheheheheheeheheheehehe.com/ tao

      sweet

  • http://tomhankssuperfan.blogspot.com megan boyle

    lol…

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=505759069 Julian Tully Alexander

    “just one of the thousands of faults of the modern human being, who doesn’t want to work to get anything and only cares about orgasming within 5 minutes, only to then complain for hours each day about the ‘meaninglessness’ of life, the fleeting nature of pleasure, the evils of capitalism and the bourgeoisie and gentrification, the likes and passions and accomplishments and lives of others.”-Tao Lin

    I now feel the urge to go out and get blowjobs from all other fruit not on the list. Seems like they would be pretty good.

    • http://heheheheheheheeheheheehehe.com/ tao

      sweet…

  • http://www.smokingonanemptystomach.blogspot.com Jordan

    lol… sweet

  • Joe Martin

    Durian fruit seems depressed

  • http://twitter.com/ponchopeligroso Poncho Peligroso

    LVML

  • Toxicorder

    This was awesomely absurd

  • http://twitter.com/JosephErnest Joseph Ernest Harper

    Would like to fuck a passionfruit. Just to try it.

    Inclusion of banana seems mildly homophobic.

    Lime was my favourite.

    • http://heheheheheheheeheheheehehe.com/ tao

      sweet

  • Julian Assange

    lol

    • http://heheheheheheheeheheheehehe.com/ tao

      sweet…

  • http://kumquatparadise.tumblr.com aaron nicholas

    “a popular thread on a Diablo II messageboard complaining about how “duping” has ruined the “high” players used to be able to feel upon finding rare/unique items digressed suddenly into a seemingly earnest discussion about the viability of masturbating using a sock that has had 2-4 banana peels sewed carefully into its interior”

    holy shit, if this thread existed i probably commented on it. of the hundreds of stone of jordans that passed through my account i only found 1 naturally.

    waxing seriously nostalgic on diablo 2 right now, wow. miss u d2.

    • http://heheheheheheheeheheheehehe.com/ tao

      sweet

      ~40-90% chance i'll buy and play diablo iii

  • http://popserial.tumblr.com stephen

    lol… :)

  • http://brianmcelmurry.blogspot.com/ Brian McElmurry

    Guava jelly and a banana leaf seems ideal. Odd and entertaining.

    • http://heheheheheheheeheheheehehe.com/ tao

      guava jelly…interesting

  • http://twitter.com/derpcircus miles barney

    heheheheheheheeheheheehehe

  • http://twitter.com/rislynsey christopher lynsey

    You think about weird things, Tao.

  • G. Gephardt Frakes

    If Tao Lin were to be a worst fruit to get blowjobs from, which rank would he make?

  • WearilyWestlyEastly

    I highly recommend that the mango finds a place on this list. The reason being that the skin harbors sumac oil which is some sort of relative to poison ivy. I, myself, have been plagued by this because when the fruit skin touches me I turn orange at the point of contact. This usually means orange, crystalized lips. Mango is the king of fruits.

  • WearilyWestlyEastly

    forgive my terseness but the mango is pithy enough.

    • Crack Information

      mangos love it

  • racing games

    wow great nice Info. One can get so much knowledge from it.

    • Crack Information

      sweet

  • juggalo

    this one time I fucked a tomato. after about 1.5 minutes felt overwhelmed with embarrassment and set the tomato aside while I quietly and disappointingly masturbated into a sock.

  • Anonymous

    Do people know about this? What has TC become??!!

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