Thoughts On True Blood Season 4 And Requests For Season 5
I was ready to hate Season 4 until the whole thing managed to turn around in the last 5 minutes of the final episode. An epic end to a “meh” season, the finale managed to almost completely erase all my feelings of “I’m not coming back for Season 5.” Now I’m all like “EFF YEAH SEASON 5. BRING IT, BEE-ATCH!”
…Sookie & Eric.
Eric: “Ooooo Sookie, I love you sooooo much!”
Sookie: “Ooooo Eric, look at this bed in the middle of the woods and it’s snowing all over us!”
Eric: “Yeah Sookie, let’s make lurrrrve in the snowwwww! I’m such a good vampire guy now!”
Sookie: “Snowinnnnnngggggg! I love you Eric now that you’re just a good vampire guy and no longer interesting or badass at all. Did I mention the snow? It’s totally snowing!”
You get the picture.
…evil baby. Arlene’s evil baby was the laziest True Blood storyline ever. It was like True Blood had no idea what to do with all the peripheral characters who weren’t involved in the central action. I know! Let’s make it look like Arlene’s baby is totally evil which is sort of interesting, but let’s give it a sappy, weak explanation with some sprit lady that has nothing to do with anything and no one actually cares about. Next time please, please, when a character is boring, just cut them for a few episodes and fill in their scenes with shots of Alcide naked.
…witches. I don’t know what was worse, Marni’s overacting, the back story of Antiona Garbonzolalafufuface-McGee or Lafayette’s new powers as a medium.
…Andy Bellefleur. I’d probably vote to kill Andy off if he didn’t bang that fairy at the eleventh hour. Methinks an interesting story might evolve from that random romp, as weird as it was.
…laughs. Remember when True Blood used to be dry and witty? I used to laugh out loud regularly, but this season I can count three occasions on which I giggled—and all of them were thanks to Pam.
…Pam. MORE PAM. Pam is the second best character after Alicde, and the best character if you don’t include “Kat wants to see them naked” as a factor for judging “best.” In the small moments she was awarded for Season Four, Pam didn’t fail to disappoint, with lines like, “Are you telling me you’d endager our whole species for a gash in a sundress?” and “I am so over Sookie and her precious fairy vagina and her unbelievably stupid name.”
…sex. There were all of five odd sex scenes in Season Four and they were all lame. The only sex scene that got close to fulfilling the True Blood raunch factor was in the final episode that had Jessica clad in kinky lingerie and a Little Red Riding Hood cape banging Jason in also sorts of sexy naked glory. What ever happened to Vampire Bill’s bloody romps? Or Tara’s lesbian lover? True Blood used to be the best way for guys to essentially watch porn without their girlfriends getting pissed off, and Season Four was a massive letdown.
…“Sookeh.” It’s my favorite thing to love to hate when Vampire Bill says “Sookeh,” sort of like when Marissa would say “Ry-yan.”
…vampire rights. Miss you Nan from when your story line was the most solid in the series. The vampire rights movement was what gave True Blood its backbone, and one of the few issues that made the show somewhat intellectually stimulating. There wasn’t enough in Season Four, and I’m guessing there won’t be any picketing for rights in the future following Nan’s untimely True Death.
…Alcide naked. DICKS OUT FOR THE GIRLS!
…Lafayette sassiness. Lafayette was a total pussy in Season Four. Bring back the sassy bitch from bygone seasons.
…Sam Merlotte. Solid story line with just the right amount of sex, intrigue and violence. Standing ovation for Sam this season.
…murder. I was starting to think Season Four was a bit of a letdown on the ratio of murder to not murder until the last three episodes. As Ja Rule would say, I think the reign is calling murder.
…love triangles. Although I think they could have done more with the incest story—let’s hope Miss Bellefleur reappears pregnant with a deformed, cross-species, bastard baby.
The best bits included…
…Alcide naked. Werd.
…Alcide sexily doing things. This includes but is not limited to: sexily carrying wounded people, sexily coming to Sookie’s aid, sexily being suspicious of Eric, sexily killing Marcus, sexily getting naked.
…Terry Bellefleur. The man you want to marry—I have a secret hard on for Terry. Good to know that next season holds some intrigue for the resident good guy.
And the worst bits were…
…Eric being lame. Nothing was lamer this season than Eric Northman being lame. Even when Marni’s spell was broken and he was no longer lame, he still continued to be pretty lame. Sure he ripped that guy’s still beating heart out of his chest with his hand and sucked on its artery like a straw, but then straight after he went all “Blah, Sookie, hold me” lame again. LAME.
…Jason’s rape. The rape of a virile young man is an interesting subplot but True Blood did not deal with the issue well at all. In fact, it was completely dropped from dialogue a mere two episodes later, almost as though it never even occurred.
…werepanthers. An unfortunately bad hangover from Season Three. Also dealt with poorly post Jason’s escape. Where did they go? Is Crystal pregnant? Are they all pregnant? Hello Ghost Daddy, is that you?
Please, for Season 5…
…just make Alcide naked all the time.
…let Tara stay down. Seriously. DO NOT LET HER LIVE. I’m pretty sure I saw half her brain splatter against the wall so it’s pretty damn unrealistic to let her live anyway.
…get the ghost of Debbie to inhabit Lafayette and murder Sookie.
…turn Pam renegade and have her team up with Debbie’s ghost to go after Sookie.
…show us Jessica’s boobs at least once an episode.
…have Hoyt turn evil and start crushing skulls and eating skin, like when Willow went manic in Buffy.
… revisit the Sookie/ Eric/ Bill threesome scenario and make it really, really filthy.
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Bonus points if you actually use different voices/accents for the different people in the imaginary conversation. That is a prestigious level of shower insanity.
I had a number of other essays I wanted to write tonight. There were other topics that deserved attention, essays I humbly felt might shed light on the human condition, on the difficulties and odd experiences we all deal with on a daily basis. But here I am, writing a defense of pubic hair.
6. The Usual Suspects
When your audience is this big, how can you really “know” it?