Things You Should Be Doing Instead Of Participating In Black Friday

Black Friday is one of the many things I’m just #NotClearOn. As someone who has never participated in such an inane American tradition, I can’t help but feel a combination of awe and utter disgust when I see people camping out in front of Best Buy as early as Thanksgiving morning. Let me get one thing straight, Black Fridaze people. You would rather stand in line waiting for good deals on the gifts you’ll buy for your friends and family than actually, you know, spend Thanksgiving with your family? What does a mother say to her children when she goes AWOL to camp out in front of Wal-Mart? “Sorry honey but Mommy loves you too much to actually spend this holiday with you! She has to buy you the new Transformer for X-mas! Please don’t be selfish. I’m only doing this for you…” I also wonder how good these Black Friday deals actually are. Are they doing a buy one, get one free deal for a health insurance plan or something? Are they giving out Park Avenue apartments at Dean & Deluca? Are doctor’s offices having a Black Friday sale on prescription meds? I mean, how amazing could a sale be to justify deleting Thanksgiving from your calendar and flying into a pepper spray rage when the doors finally open at midnight?

Here are some things I suggest you do in lieu of participating in this American drivel!

1. Walk past all department stores with a megaphone chanting “#DARK! #DARK! #DARK!”

2.  Lay in bed. I don’t know about you but Thanksgiving kicked the crap out of me last night. I was hungover by 9pm (even though I never actually got drunk because the stupid food soaked it all up} and was in bed by 11. Today I woke up feeling like a Teen Mom with a gnarly stomachache. Ugh, Thanksgiving you always do me dirty.

3. Write a blog post about how stupid Black Friday is while secretly wondering if ABC  Carpet & Home is having a sale. (Is it though?)

4. Call your mom. You never do so this would be the perfect opportunity, no?

5. If you’re in your hometown, you can go to the mall and laugh at all the people  you went to high school with who are now pregnant. It will be like seeing their annoying Facebook feed IRL. You’ll actually get to witness this status update: “Such an amazing Thanksgiving last night. So blessed! Gonna get the fam together for some lunch at CPK and scope out the Black Fridays deals! #lovemylife #imhungryagain #LOL”

6. Go to the gym? No, I’m sorry. That was a joke.

7. Go shopping but only at tiny places that are too cool to acknowledge Black Friday. “I mean, we’re open, but there are no sales so….” PERFECT.

8. Go to the movies. Have you seen The Descendants yet? If not, please go immediately. I went by myself last weekend and found myself swimming in George Clooney-induced boners and tears.

9.  Show your boyfriend your food baby from last night and be like “Babe, I’m pregnant.” {PREGNANT PAUSE} “Turkey is the father.”

10. I got nothing. Sorry. Maybe go cry in a corner?

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