Things That You Will Do After You’ve Had A Bad Boyfriend

Oct. 13, 2011

By Amanda Weldin info

Amanda just moved in with her parents and works at a Chili's. She is still deciding what she would like to be when ...

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You’ll refer to him all the time. I’ve had other boyfriends since, but no matter how many years pass, whenever those drunken sexual-history talks with girlfriends arise, I always end up talking about him. I’d like to make him feel as small, the way he made me feel when we were together, but I can’t help it. Much to my chagrin, he made an impression.

You’ll block him from all your social networking sites. I blocked him from my email, Facebook, Twitter, and phone. This is obviously to keep him away from contacting me, but it’s also to keep me from contacting him. For some reason, every time he says anything to me, I have to respond — usually a nasty retort — and then we’re having a conversation and then he’s trying to see me and then I have to resist him again. I don’t trust him, but I also don’t trust myself. Blocked.

You’ll never tell your parents anything. I never said anything when we were together because I knew they wouldn’t approve. They didn’t know him when I was dating him, and they sure as hell can’t know about him now. I don’t know exactly how they would feel, but I know for sure it wouldn’t be good.

You’ll see his face in everyone’s face. Everyone looks like him, all the time. And as soon as I see anyone that even mildly resembles him, I’m back to when I was consumed by thoughts of him and honestly believed that I was in love, and I’m afraid.

You’ll make jokes about how weird the sex was to trivialize how scared it really made you. Mine made me call him “Daddy” and spanked me a lot. Once, I let him videotape himself while he hit me with a belt and then put a cigarette out on my thigh. Admittedly, I agreed to these things, but only because he said he’d leave me if I didn’t say yes. Super messed up. If I didn’t make people laugh about it, I’d cry myself to sleep every night.

You’ll be attracted to guys who are physically similar to him, but pretend that there’s no connection. 6’4” and doughy. That’s my type. It’s not important that he was 6’4” and doughy — that’s totally irrelevant. I’ve always liked guys that were a lot bigger than me. Right?

You’ll tell people that you’re totally at peace with everything while simultaneously blaming yourself. I’m stronger and better now because I have gotten out of a bad relationship. I know more about myself, and I know what to avoid in the future. Yeah. But I really should have known better. There were so many signs. I just didn’t want to see them, and I am stupid. I’m afraid that it’ll happen again because of how easily it happened the first time.

You’ll pretend that you’re totally fine even though you secretly believe that you may never recover. No elaboration necessary. TC mark

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image – Elvert Barnes

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  • http://twitter.com/Raconteur21 Vicky Rose

    I know how you feel.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

    I’d imagined that this would be the case for any relationship good or bad?

    • http://twitter.com/mung_beans Mung Beans

      No way

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

        thanks for the explanation

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

        thanks for the explanation

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

        thanks for the explanation

  • Julie

    Yep… this is unfortunate. I really hoped I was the only one..

  • Natalie

    I can completely relate with every point you made. It sucked being in a bad relationship. But I know we will both recover one day.

  • http://www.facebook.com/antoniowatson Antonio Watson

    As the boyfriend of a girl that fits this description almost exactly, I sympathize with you.  I hope you’re talking to someone to help you overcome this– I don’t think my relationship could have made it if she wasn’t.

  • Survived

    Exactly.

  • Xilin

    Exactly how I feel even after 4 years. There were signs, i just thought…. i don’t know what I thought, and of course I blame myself. I avoid guys that look like him like the plague, though i may find them sexy. From distance. And I am afraid I will get into another relationship that will look fine but will be totally fucked up, exactly because it was so easy the first time…. And yes, i did spend around 2 years talking about him. To whoever would listen. *shudders*

  • Sophia

    oh my goodness, this is all so painfully accurate.
    you made me realize things that i think i knew all along, but i didn’t want to admit to myself.
    great article.

  • Anonymous

    The parents thing is spot on. This is so true and painful.

    • http://twitter.com/kaimcn Kai

      I could never tell my mom how bad it got. She would be so disappointed.

  • Ashley

    I can relate to this so much, it’s unreal. Everyone thinks I’m crazy for blocking him everywhere. But I just don’t want to torture myself that way. Oh, and mine was also 6’4 and doughy. Strange.

  • mila

    WOW .. so right on point. goingt through every single one of those right now.

  • Luna

    I feel ya. Bad boyfriends should be bannish from earth. 

  • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

    Dude, I want to hug you so hard. Please tell me this is a recent-ish breakup, otherwise I’m buying you a gift certificate for some therapy.

  • guest

    wow that actually resonates, thank you… this makes me feel a lot less crazy

  • guest

    depressing but true :( horrible about the violent stuff!

  • Anonymous

    Very accurate indeed. Another one is comparing how much you have improved in your life to what you would have never done with him.  Any goal you get accomplished you wish he can somehow see it and push it in his face and say you’re better than his standards.    

  • http://twitter.com/kaimcn Kai

    Thanks for being so open Amanda.
    I usually try not to talk about (although 7 years later I still think about) the horrible things my Bad Boyfriend did. It doesn’t mean that it doesn’t affect almost every interaction I have or opinion I express. Sometimes I want to find him just to see him miserable, but it’s best to stay away.

  • http://www.facebook.com/sarah.n.knutson Sarah N. Knutson

    WELL DONE. It’s been almost 3 years since I have to leave the country just to force myself to end my relationship with my Bad Boyfriend. And every single point you mentioned is still so true. I agree with every single comment already posted too. We’ve ALL been there. Thanks for giving such an honest overview of the feelings we all deal with, it helps with the recovery.

  • EP

    Ugh, the thing about the bad boyfriends saying they’ll leave you if you don’t _______ is the worst thing ever. My experience STILL fucks with my head seven years later. I hate that so many people in general have stories like this, it makes future relationships even harder despite how hard I try to let everything go.
    Great post, it made me think. 

  • https://twitter.com/iamthepuddles Jordana Bevan

    I keep thinking I’m finally “over” my bad boyfriend and then he’ll suddenly appear in my dreams (like he did last night) and I’ll wake up crying and not be over him and be miserable. I wish this article weren’t so true, I wish so many of us couldn’t identify with it. It’s just miserable to read this article and then the comments and think about the possibility that this feeling might not be done within the next few months… or the next couple years… or seven years later…

    • Pamela Soucre

      I can relate. Almost ten years later I’m happily married and living in another country, however my Bad Boyfriend visits me in my dreams from time to time. I have come to terms with that fact; he always appears as a symbl of shame and regret. As uncomfortable as it is to see him and desiring to touch him so badly in those oneiric situations it’s just a sign that something in my life is making me feel guilty or ashamed for some reason. The subcounscious  is a powerful thing!

    • Pamela Soucre

      I can relate. Almost ten years later I’m happily married and living in another country, however my Bad Boyfriend visits me in my dreams from time to time. I have come to terms with that fact; he always appears as a symbl of shame and regret. As uncomfortable as it is to see him and desiring to touch him so badly in those oneiric situations it’s just a sign that something in my life is making me feel guilty or ashamed for some reason. The subcounscious  is a powerful thing!

    • Pamela Soucre

      I can relate. Almost ten years later I’m happily married and living in another country, however my Bad Boyfriend visits me in my dreams from time to time. I have come to terms with that fact; he always appears as a symbl of shame and regret. As uncomfortable as it is to see him and desiring to touch him so badly in those oneiric situations it’s just a sign that something in my life is making me feel guilty or ashamed for some reason. The subcounscious  is a powerful thing!

    • Pamela Soucre

      I can relate. Almost ten years later I’m happily married and living in another country, however my Bad Boyfriend visits me in my dreams from time to time. I have come to terms with that fact; he always appears as a symbl of shame and regret. As uncomfortable as it is to see him and desiring to touch him so badly in those oneiric situations it’s just a sign that something in my life is making me feel guilty or ashamed for some reason. The subcounscious  is a powerful thing!

  • Captain Obvious

    Couldn’t agree more, but I’m sad we had to experience it. 

  • Jessica

    Fuck I love my bad ex-boyfriend.

    • guest

      I couldn’t find anyone that could replace him in my heart. That sucks!

  • Maria

    This is comforting that I’m not that only one feeling this.  It’s been a year, and I’m still terrified that my ex will find me.  It’s hard to just forget about it.

  • Maria

    This is comforting that I’m not that only one feeling this.  It’s been a year, and I’m still terrified that my ex will find me.  It’s hard to just forget about it.

  • Maria

    This is comforting that I’m not that only one feeling this.  It’s been a year, and I’m still terrified that my ex will find me.  It’s hard to just forget about it.

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