The Worst Guys I’ve Ever Hooked Up With

Stephen

Stephen was like my personal frat boy Barbie who came complete with a nasty coke problem and a bad eating disorder. Stephen’s diet consisted of coke, coke, adderall, more coke, weed and the occasional leaf of lettuce (seriously, the only food I ever saw him eat was salad, this boy ate more salad than I did). I’m pretty sure Stephen was gay because he had this friend named Blake and he would constantly try to convince me to have threesomes with Blake but the emphasis of Stephen’s begging was more on getting Blake naked and into bed then on double teaming me. Stephen’s world was shattered when his sketchy fraternity got disbanded for a scandal that involved almost drowning a pledge in the basement. He had the creepiest stare and couldn’t have weighed more than 90 pounds but oh my God, this boy managed to hook up with an unworldly number of girls.

Brian

Brian was my manager at work and another malnourished cokehead who would put just about anything he could get his hands on up his nose. He had a huge cock though, which was probably why I somehow managed to overlook his drug problem and his passion for metal music. We used to have sex in the most obscure places. Like once, we did it in the walk-in freezer at the restaurant we worked in and we had sex in the woods another time. I’m pretty sure we never actually got it on in a bed. Our relationship came to a screeching halt when I discovered that he had been hiding a fiancé and a baby from me, but damn, was this boy an awesome lay. His whereabouts are currently unknown but if I had to take a guess I would say jail, rehab, or wandering a desert somewhere in a coked out haze.

John

John was the type of college guy you meet that dresses like he’s in a fraternity and acts like he’s in one (aka hooks up with a gazillion girls and drinks his weight in Natty Light) but actually is unaffiliated with the Greek system. John had a creepy obsession with not just my hair, but the hair of any girl in general. There was photographic evidence of this guy stroking random girls' hair with a creepy grin adorning his handsome face. The first time we slept together (we had known each other for a week) he whispered to me “I love you” and then proceeded to play with my hair for an hour while he thought I was asleep (I was very much awake and not moving out of pure terror.) Our romance ended when I asked him if the rumor going around school that he had herpes had any truth and he got strangely offended. He also told me this really odd story about how he got shot in a hunting accident which I later found out from one of his friends was completely fabricated.

Joel

I started hooking up with this guy freshman year. He had the most gorgeous body I’d ever seen but his face resembled a raccoon. Like seriously, the dude looked a raccoon! It was super disturbing. He also had this really weird tattoo on his butt that said “your name” which he thought was absolutely hilarious. He was the president of a fraternity on campus that was notorious for date-raping girls at their shady parties and he dumped me for my best friend. Karma bit him on his tattooed ass though because he is now a 6th year senior with a drinking problem, a girlfriend who cheats on him every chance she can get and a face that still looks like a raccoon’s.

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