The Friend Dossier
I don’t have an inordinate number of friends, but between my already overly confusing life and the myriad nuances of the lives of my friends, sometimes details are left by the wayside. Maybe I’m getting old and forgetful or I’ve just consumed too much wine in my life, but I feel that it’s time to make the constant feed of friend information both tangible and accessible. That is why I’m proposing that all friends begin presenting each other with one page CVs briefly outlining their life.
These should be updated around once a month, or when any significant changes take place in that person’s life. It’s like the reverse Bourne Identity for friends—I’ll keep a file cabinet with a profile on each of you, and extract the relevant information before hanging / catching up to peruse and refresh my knowledge en route to rendezvous. As such, I request the following (with headings in bold, sub headings underlined and subsequent information outlined in succinct dot point format):
Extended family of note
Please provide any defining characteristics of family members i.e. alcoholic, diabetic, clinically insane etc. and a brief sentence about how your relationship with said significant family members impacted your life. Please leave blank for functional relationships.
Please note your most significant platonic relationships. Include a brief list of your best friends / inner circle and when you met them (please include those who were significant for a substantial yet past period of time and indicate if they no longer are part of your life), and a brief list of the defining “toxic” platonic relationships you’ve encountered.
This does not include falling off the jungle gym at age 5. I’m looking for (examples): death, illness, significant geographical moves, awards received, special skills (sporting, musical or otherwise), meaningful vacations and other generally life altering / path defining events. Momentous firsts are also interesting.
In one sentence please outline what you were like in high school
See Significant Childhood Events for guidance. Please include one of each other following: first sexual encounter, first experimentation with drugs / alcohol and biggest act of teenage rebellion.
Most significant sexual relationships
Please format as a timeline and indicate, in order, the awfulness of your heartbreak as well as the level of functionality of your relationship and how in love you were at each juncture on a scale of one to 10. You may chose to include one line on one or both of the most harrowing heartbreak you endured and the most romantic love you experienced.
Significant Existential Crisis
See Significant Childhood Events for guidance, but please include more abstract awakenings / realizations about life and adulthood as well as the dates and places of anywhere you have backpacked (feel free to include one brief line about the time you got the most wasted you have ever been).
Some questions to consider when answering this: What is your job? Do you enjoy it? What is your dream job / 5 year plan? If you are foreign what visa are you on?
Current relationship / crushes
Please include your favorite movie, favorite book, favorite food, what television series you are currently engrossed in and whether you are team Angelina or Team Jennifer.
Please note any special skills / party tricks / bodily deformities or self inflicted body “art” / things you are particularly good at / a strange thing you have done / raunchy story that some how makes you unique.
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My ears listened to what they wanted me to believe.
3. Don’t get mad, get everything.
But I am here to talk about realities, realities that are based on experiences, guy talks (who cares about that?) and late night chats with good female friends of mine.
Many people know of Jack Kerouac’s fiction, but few know of his penchant for recording his dreams.