The Five Most Terrible Mothers Ever
1. Annie Camden from Seventh Heaven
Even though Reverend Eric Camden was a notorious hardass, it was his wife, Annie, who ruled with an iron fist. Since she didn’t have to actually work, Annie made it her job to snoop around the house looking for something incriminating, and to become the savior for kids who came from “broken homes” even though they would often tell her, “It’s really NBD, Mrs. Camden. I promise you my mom is not beating me just because we live in an apartment complex.” But she wouldn’t believe it. If someone didn’t give birth to 7.5 children (one of whom was inexplicably biracial), have a dog named Happy and go to church, they were seen as troubled heathens who were in desperate need of her guidance. Besides being incredibly nosy and annoying, she also had rage issues, which I’m guessing largely stem from her decision to have twins at the age of 45.
2. Dina Lohan
I wonder if Dina Lohan ever wakes up (in the house that Lindsay’s Freaky Friday money bought her) and thinks to herself, “Oops. I kind of messed up on the whole “being a mom” thing.” After all, you don’t get to be like Lindsay Lohan without getting a little bit of help. Her father, Michael Lohan, may be an infamous embarrassment, but Dina’s partying and constant enabling is also partially to blame for Lindsay’s downfall. You also know things are pretty bad when Dina Lohan is the lesser of two parenting evils. I bet in the good ol’ days, her and Lindsay used to go out to clubs together and Dina would instruct her daughter to say, “Remember baby. If anyone asks, I’m your sister. Not your mommy!” And then they would finish a line of cocaine in the bathroom and saunter off into the Bad Idea sunset together.
3. Faye Dunaway’s interpretation of Joan Crawford’s parenting style in Mommie Dearest
Although Christina Crawford painted an unflattering portrat of her screen queen mother, Joan Crawford, in her memoir Mommie Dearest, Faye Dunaway took it to new heights when it was adapted into a movie. Besides having major disdain for wire hangers, Joan Crawford apparently also hated her children, being a mom, the Hollywood studio system, and when her husbands would leave her for someone who was less insane. Since Christina was disinherited and cut from her mother’s will, we hope the book brought in lots of money so she can pay for some counseling.
I debated whether or not to include Roseanne mostly because the show is so awesome and I believe that she did genuinely care about her kids. But then I re-watched a few episodes and remembered that she was super manipulative, judgmental, and, for lack of a better word, a total bitch to her kids sometimes. So no Mother’s Day card for you, Roseanne. Somewhere Darlene, your lesbian daughter, is crying in the fetal position because of the mean things you said to her when she was eight.
5. Jackie Taylor from Beverly Hills, 90210
In season one of Beverly Hills 90210, Jackie Taylor portrayed the ultimate bad mother to queen bee Kelly. She liked to lounge in age-inappropriate bikinis while collecting child support checks, hang out with questionable women named Babette, and do a TON of blow. Yup, that’s right. Jackie and coke were really close. You could almost say it was like a second daughter to her. Things came to a head, however, when Jackie hosted the Beverly Hills High mother-daughter fashion show visibly coked out of her mind. She immediately went to rehab though and became a Good Mom for the rest of the show. Good for Kelly Taylor, bad for viewers’ entertainment.
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Even as I write this now I am debating whether or not to erase it all together.
When I say I’m in love with you, I mean I love the story I can tell to my next lover, about my ex-lover, about how beautiful things were, how intense, how storybook, what a couple we were, and how you gradually, inexplicably, painfully, bit by bit, disappeared.
“I used to be afraid of failing at something that really mattered to me, but now I’m more afraid of succeeding at things that don’t matter.”
I was 24 and, while not gay, ever since college I had been getting more attention from gay men than from heterosexual women.