The 5 Simple Rules To Having A One-Night-Stand
1. Make them feel at home!
After you finish having sex with a random person and you’re hosting, make them feel right at home by offering them a towel, a shower, or a tangerine. The person is probably silently freaking out and wondering where the hell they are so you need to reassure them that they’re in a safe place and you won’t kill them. A quick way to do this to encourage walking around in the buff. I don’t know why, but two people walking around a house naked right after having sex just seems so cute and cozy. It’s the one-night-stand equivalent of freshly baked cookies or something.
2. Spoon for a hot minute
Look, I don’t care if you’re made of stone, you need to experience a little tenderness after someone has seen your O face. This is the part where it gets confusing though, especially if you’ve just slept with a random. You pretend to be the couple who snuggles rather than the two people who happened to be wasted and fall into each other’s laps. “Oh, do we do this? Is this something that we do?” But it’s your first instinct to wrap your bodies together and get a little mushy so don’t fight it even if you can’t remember their name and, oh my god, what did you just do?! Hold me!
3. Know when to separate
This part may be even more important than the actual snuggling. Knowing when to end the spooning is crucial because if you do it for too long, things can get real weird real fast. Everything becomes too hot and all of a sudden you feel closed in. You’re looking for ways to untangle yourself but it’s proving to be difficult so you just want to scream, “Get off me! Help! Please somebody help me!” Then you hear the thing you’ve been dreading all along: Their snores. Yup, this person is asleep. You’re fucked. You sit there lying in bed thinking about what your life was like before you were spooned to death, the freedom you felt. You could walk around, dance, laugh, leave your apartment. But those days are now a faint memory because you’re trapped in the nook and unless you just push them off of you, there is no way out till the AM. In order to avoid this hellish situation from happening, just end it prematurely. Have your snuggle moment and then get the hell out. Trust me, their feelings won’t be hurt.
4. Don’t be weird in the morning
Don’t run screaming as soon as the light hits your eyes even if you are bugging out. Pretend to be a calm cool cucumber. Slide out of bed, put your clothes on and wake them gently. Tell them you had fun and kiss them! Yes, on the mouth. Just do it. It’s a sweet gesture.
5. Text them
Okay, maybe not. This is hard because if you have no interest in sleeping with someone again, sending them a text could imply otherwise. At the same time, it could make that person so happy. Maybe they were thinking of ending it all after you left but then they got the text that said, “thx for last night’ and stepped away from the ledge. I think it all depends on how thoughtful of a person you are. If you really don’t give a shit about some stranger who gave you an orgasm, then I guess you don’t have to text them anything. Or if they were really crazy and you don’t want to give them an ounce of hope, you can have your Get Out Of Text Free card.
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Even as I write this now I am debating whether or not to erase it all together.
When I say I’m in love with you, I mean I love the story I can tell to my next lover, about my ex-lover, about how beautiful things were, how intense, how storybook, what a couple we were, and how you gradually, inexplicably, painfully, bit by bit, disappeared.
“I used to be afraid of failing at something that really mattered to me, but now I’m more afraid of succeeding at things that don’t matter.”
I was 24 and, while not gay, ever since college I had been getting more attention from gay men than from heterosexual women.