The 5 Important Milestones In Every Relationship
1. “Beb, I fart”
In the beginning of every relationship, you essentially try to be the best version of yourself. You pretend you dress to the nines every single day (“Oh, this little number? I just threw it together in five….hours”), do fun-filled activities, and never fart, burp, poop or experience any other human action that could be perceived as gross. Ugh, it’s so exhausting and one day you will just let the facade slip. One day you will show up to your significant other’s house in a terrible outfit looking like crap and farting all over the place. The day you let your BF/GF see you in an unattractive state is a crucial milestone because it’s basically saying, “Hi! i’m comfortable enough to show you that I’m not a flawless gem. I can look awesome and cute and do all of these great things you will enjoy, but I can also be disgusting just like everyone else! Gotcha!” Some of my girlfriends have endured two year relationships without ever letting their boyfriend see them without their makeup on or in sweats. I don’t get that. How could you go two years walking on perfection eggshells? Farting in your lover’s face cements your bond and demonstrates that you have faith in your relationship. So just fart away!
2. “Beb, I’m crazy!”
You know what I’m talking about with this one. The first few months of every relationship is supposed to be amazing. You’re happy, constantly laughing with your person, and just overall being a blast to hang around. Then it happens. You have the first fight in which you reveal yourself to be a person who can actually get upset and lose their shit. Everyone has the capacity to do this. You can’t just “LOL” everyday so when you finally do cave and show your beau some extra dimension to your personality, it’s a big deal. Yes, you will be happy and delightful, but you will also have bad days when you’ll scare them with your emotions. Just deal with it.
3. “Beb, my family is crazy!”
Growing up, I was always that friend who would talk to my friends’ parents. I didn’t get why people would be so scared of them. They were just like us, only bigger, older, and more powerful. Because of my willingness to not behave like a complete freak with other people’s parents, adults would be obsessed with me. This boded well not only in high school but later on in life when it came time to meet a significant other’s family. As always, I would do great. “OMG, you’re so funny and nice. When is my gay son gonna put a cock ring on it?” When it came time to meet my family, however, it would be a different story. In your eyes, your family is always weirder i than your BF/GF’s family. You have to warn them 8 million times about all of their little quirks and say things like, “I think I’m adopted anyway. How else do you explain the fact that I can tan?” In the end, it’s usually NBD though. In fact, you may come off as the insane one. When your partner meets your family, it’s more of a milestone for you than it is for them because it’s a test of strength and biting your tongue. If you can survive the evening without having some strange unprovoked outburst, you’ve won the “Meeting The Parents” game. FYI, there is nothing more uncomfortable for your BF/GF than watching you be defensive with your sweet well-intenioned family. It makes you look like the bratty villain, not them.
Your Mom: Honey, you like broccoli right? Have some.
You: No, I don’t. Do you know anything about me? Stop telling me what I do and do not like, okay?! You’re always doing that. I can’t breathe in this house!
4. “Beb, I love you”
I’ve never understood why people have put such an emphasis on saying these three words. They ask silly things like, “OMG, when do you know? Because I think I love them already but it’s only been 4 weeks so I can’t say it, right?” In my experience, I’ve found that I love someone when I go through a hard time and come out of it loving them more. Because it’s easy to love someone when everything’s all rainbows and lollipops. It’s when things get tested that you have a clearer idea of your feelings. It doesn’t really matter though. If you think you love someone, then you probably do. It’s not a great big mystery. And if you find out later that you didn’t, then oh well! That’s hindsight for you!
5. “Wait beb, I think I could actually raise kids with you!”
Um, this is an insane milestone. Looking at someone and knowing that you could raise little beings with them, share heath insurance, and get unsexy and old together is the most major thing in a relationship. I don’t know anything about it but I hear it’s nice. Oh and if you don’t wanna have kids ever, just replace kids with marriage. Same thing sort of.
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It’s unfortunate, but we’re creatures of habit and we’ll hold onto our convictions until we’re literally forced to stop.
You basically have to walk a perfect straight line at all times in Japan because if you veer off at any moment you will almost definitely get mashed by a Japanese lady on a mamabike with three kids strapped to it.
Come on people, as if other people’s choices of love affected you in the least. Penguins don’t pull this crap on fellow homosexual penguins.
3. You’ve searched Etsy or eBay for a cute and inexpensive fez.