The 11 Different Ways Your Girlfriend Will Sigh At You
1) She just realized how many fantasy sports teams you have. (And that one is named, in the most unflattering way, after her mother.)
2) A sigh that accompanies the levels of fundamental ennui — such that poets have yet to be able to fully articulate — with which she’s stricken when looking at the contents of her closet.
3) The “I have to pretend I’m offended, but I secretly love that you said my butt ‘is the reason why God invented eyes’” sigh.
4) The initial reaction sigh when she discovers that you grew facial hair. (Important to note that female sighs care not for irony.)
5) The “I just realized I’m wrong, but we both know I’m not going to admit it, so I am going to pretend I find you too tedious to continue discussing this with” sigh.
6) The unmistakable sigh when a celebrity she doesn’t know personally, and will never meet, has the audacity to have a tacky wedding or improperly name their child.
7) The “Oh I’m just checking to see if you’re paying attention” sigh.
8) The sigh you hear from the kitchen when she realizes that your late night foraging resulted in the wasting of expensive French cheese on your ignorant palate, when it was obviously meant to be experienced during an informative and uplifting viewing of ABC’s The Bachelor.
9) The entrapment sigh. ”You heard a sigh? Interesting. Guilty conscience? What have you done that would make me sigh?” Tip: Do NOT admit to how much time you spent looking at pictures of Anne Hathaway dressed as Catwoman. I can’t stress that enough.
10) The phantom sigh. She’s out of town, yet you still hear it echo in the corners of darkened rooms. It’s just… chilling.
11) She caught you writing about her different sighs on the internet. This particular sigh is followed by a glint in her eye as she remembers that she knows the passwords to all your fantasy sports teams.
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It is so much more simple to say, “Stop caring what a man thinks, ladies, you’re beautiful as you are,” than to address all of the myriad reasons why that likely doesn’t apply to her.
These discourses, these models of life, are insidious, egregious, and soul crushing.
I cannot see the middle of a relationship at the beginning, but I can see the end from the middle. I know that there will be an end. There has to be. This is just a stop on the road.
I could walk to Celebrate Brooklyn all summer along. I’d learn how to start running. I’d eat meals of happy chickens at the commune across the street.