Social Media From A Neurotic Perspective
The Rescinding of a Facebook Friend Request
- Send a Friend Request to a new acquaintance you believe shares your desire to be ‘friends.’
- Notice the acquaintance’s updates in your News Feed, despite having never received notification that they’d accepted your request. Click on their profile to say hi.
- Realize that, despite having access to their mundane updates, you’re actually not friends. Your friendship is ‘pending’ review, like a goddamn job application. Welcome to Friend Request Purgatory, Population: You. After all, now that you have semi-access to the Wonderful World Of Your Would-Be Friend, what more do you want? Reciprocation? Acknowledgment? Fat chance.
- Notice that you can cancel the friend request; contemplate the implications. Will they notice? Will they care? What would you say if they confronted you? “Never mind! Thought you were someone else, I actually don’t want to be friends with you despite having several ties to you IRL. Guess the 1,893 people you’re Facebook friends with are really special to you BAI!”
- Decide against rescinding your Friend Request; feel a sense of dread anytime you anticipate running into your negligent acquaintance.
Who Unfollowed Me
- Allow the ‘Who Unfollowed Me’ app to access your information. Whenever you login, it’ll tell you who unfollowed you on Twitter! Just what you’ve always wanted!
- Login a week later. You’ve lost three followers. They all appear to be bots. Except one, one of them could be a real person. “Why did KillaBarbie unfollow me? I mean it’s not a big deal… just wish I could understand why…”
- Notice every time your follower count drops, login to Who Unfollowed Me.
- “Lizbeth unfollowed me?! But… we’re actually friends. That seems insanely inappropriate. What the shit…”
- “I should unfollow her back. She fucked up my whole ratio, inconsiderate bitch.”
- “…but what if she has Who Unfollowed Me, too?! Then she’ll know I unfollowed her. Maybe this is a bad idea. Nevermind.”
- Receive a Facebook Poke, which is disconcerting if only for the fact that no one Facebook Pokes anymore.
- “What do I do with it? Poke back? Okay, then what? Play Ring Around The Pokie until my friendship with this person wanes indefinitely? I did not sign up for this.”
- Poke back.
- Get Poked again.
- Poke back.
- Get Poked Again.
- Avoid Poking for the foreseeable future. Avoid the person who Poked you for the foreseeable future.
- Notice someone you find interesting has appeared in your GChat sidebar.
- After a few days of close observation, come to the conclusion that they’ve committed to being ‘perma-busy;’ their status button is perpetually red.
- Compare the person to your other ‘perma-busy’ friends and decide that it’s probably okay to GChat them.
- Type, ‘Hey,’ then scurry off to the bathroom as to kill time while waiting for a response.
- Return from the bathroom. No response.
- Fifteen minutes later. No response. Close the chat window and pretend you didn’t initiate chat with a disinterested party.
- Receive a response. “Hey! Sorry, really busy can’t chat right now… let’s get drinks soon!”
- Sigh. Close the chat window and pretend you didn’t initiate chat with a disinterested party. Again.
- Join a room and study the “Room Info” to ensure that you don’t embarrass yourself by playing the same song twice.
- Begin DJing. Choose a semi-popular, not-too-mainstream, highly inoffensive, catchy song that seems in line with the theme of the room.
- Grow despondent when you notice that not one, not one avatar is dancing.
- Wonder if you should abstain from ‘liking’ your fellow DJ’s musical choices as a form of punishment.
- Sit in on two or three rounds, feeling increasingly alienated by everyone in the room.
- Feel certain that everyone is secretly wishing you’d give up your seat and leave the room.
- Announce that you are leaving the room; wince when a member of the audience says, “Finally.”
- Coddle your ego by opening iTunes and a pint of Ben and Jerry’s Phish Food.
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