There were a few months I spent in flux or in purgatory or wherever it is when you’re trapped between everywhere and nowhere. I had some jobs but not the job, a place to sleep but one that didn’t belong to me; it was like I was on my way to a real life but had run out of gas or misplaced the directions. And inside of me was a seed; a tiny grain of stress implanted in my brain that grew larger and larger each day like a limbo tumor. Begging for acknowledgement with all the grace of a middle child. But I didn’t water it or rip it out of the ground, I simply ignored it and so it grew and it started to act out.
During this time I would go to sleep in one place and wake up somewhere else. Asleep in bed, awake on a couch. Asleep in a guest room, awake in a basement. I would climb stairs and make a new bed in a new room and I’d have no idea what’d happened when I woke up. It’s like my body was trying to run away from my mind.
When life became a bit more structured, the sleepwalking ceased but the stress remained and manifested in other ways – hives, insomnia, panic attacks. I still sleepwalk occasionally but it’s different now. Now I sometimes walk through an entire day on autopilot, conscious and unconscious at the same time. I numbly and mindlessly complete tasks, I see friends and acquaintances, I ride the subway and physically, I’m there. You can touch me and talk to me and it’ll feel like a real interaction.
But the truth is, some days I only know where my mind is when I’m sleeping. I have these frighteningly vivid dreams and in them, I see people I can’t talk to in waking life. We work through our issues together; we are fighting or making up or just, being something we’re not anymore. I’m traveling and taking risks and coming to terms with things I can’t change. It’s all incredibly lucid; it’s like having a second life – one where I have control. Night after night, I gain a sense of closure only to have it ripped from me when an alarm sounds. Alarm is exactly what I feel when a dream culminates.
When a dream ends, I feel this artificial peace; something and nothing has been solved inside of me. And it feels euphoric, momentarily, until I remember that it was just a dream. I am not in love, I am not in Europe, I did not set the world right in seven hours. All I’m left with in the morning is a question – when am I going to wake up?
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Kanye is straight snatching wigs!
You’ll know because the breeze will be warm and friendly and your skin won’t mind it like it used to.
16. There’s no such thing as an overnight success. However, people who do “break through” tend to start their day while others are still asleep.
i inhaled deeply. your scent, your deodorant, your cologne, even your morning breath. i know these scents so well and the familiarity is comforting.