Hi, ladies! How are we doing today? Oh, I’m so happy to hear that! Resort wear has just arrived, so make sure you check out our beach-friendly caftans in this season’s variation of chartreuse. I would love to help you, but I’m currently on hold with one of our stores in some unfashionable Midwestern town that has a surplus of recently price-killed shoes in my size. If you need anything, Kris will be happy to take care of you. He’s the sales associate looking statuesque in men’s denim. We hired him for his cheekbones, but he also has a 59% success rate in locating back stock, making him both fashionable and functional (just like our new beach totes).
Ma’am, I think you’re going to have to go up to an eight in that gorgeous blouse. As a general rule, anything worth buying this season is cut a size too small, two if it is categorized as tailored, designer, modern, contemporary, or any other comparable adjective. I’ll see what we have in the back. We like to keep a boutique feel here, so we keep our sales floor lean in terms of both stock and garment size. It’s not that we don’t carry an eight or an XL. It’s just that we don’t want that much material out on the sales floor. Extended sizes are available on our web site—unless you’re looking for petites, which are located just a few alcoves down (look for the child mannequins dressed like pint-sized lawyers).
Attention sale-area shoppers: let me remind you once again that we have no back stock for these season-old sweater sets. I advise you to check out and admire our in-season sweater sets in the front room if you’re hoping to find anything in your size. They are more flattering, in better colors, and are generally superior to the sale sweaters in every way. Take it from me: I’ve been the top seller in this store for three months in a row. I am this close to getting a personalized note of thanks from our regional manager. I wouldn’t lie to you. And please, remember to tell the cashier that I was the one helping you out today. If you don’t remember my name, just describe me. They’ll know who you are talking about (I’m the only one with a faux-faux hawk and wingtip oxfords today). Actually, it may be easiest if you refer to me by my title, Visual Specialist, a position I have been hand chosen for based on my work ethic, meticulous attention to detail, and the belief that homosexuality makes me more stylish than my female coworkers. I alone dress and polish the dozen mannequins you see on the floor. This store would unravel without my expertise—a parade of ill-steamed creases and poorly popped collars adorning statues with scuffed feet. And that is why I am paid a dollar more an hour than the common sales associate.
Shopping for a special occasion, sir? I recommend our Exclusive Platinum Luxe Going-Out Shirt for anyone wanting to look his best on a first date. It is especially dashing when paired with our Limited Edition Signature Cufflinks. Yes, it is similar in style to the more modestly priced non-Platinum, non-Luxe, non-Exclusive, Staying-In Shirt, but (and I’m probably being too honest with you here) the cheaper shirts are of a very poor quality. The fabric is likely to rip at the slightest hint of strain. The buttons would pop off before drinks were ordered, mortifying your potential soul mate and resulting in a life of solitude, followed by a lonely death. The Exclusive Platinum Luxe buttons on this shirt, however, will shine like little beacons of hope when your date notices them, overshadowing all of the mundane males in her past. “My God, this man has style and is not afraid to pay for it,” she’ll think. “Maybe I will sleep with him.” And I’d say that’s worth the extra $75, wouldn’t you?
No. You cannot combine these two coupons. You can take $50 off or 15% off, not both. This one is expired. This one is only applicable to full-price items, on select styles of umbrellas, and blue shoes (those are more of a teal). This one is only for our stores in Utah. This one is only for participating stores (we’re sitting this one out). If it were up to me, you would get an incredible discount, but there is just no way our computer will allow me to do that. The only exception would be for you to put this on our store card, in which case I can probably bypass the system completely.
What? You mean you don’t have one of our exclusive preferred-customer cards? But think of the savings you’ve been missing out on. Think of the points that could have been accruing! Imagine your mailbox stuffed with cardholder discounts, a chic storm of savings raining down upon you! Your handcrafted wallet is incomplete without one. Your life has been incomplete up until this moment. Buy today! Pay later! And if you spend enough in a calendar year to reach our VIP Cardholder status… well, let me assure you that you’ve never known true retail luxury until you’ve been offered free alterations and personal store-to-car delivery service. Now, I’ll just need two forms of ID and your social security number to get the application started.
All of us here admire your purchasing power and impeccable taste, and now that you’ve got one of our iconic shopping bags in hand, the world will admire you as well. Have a wonderful day. We await you return! You are valuable to us. You are valued. And we are here to serve you to the best of our abilities. The second wave of our spring line will be out in two weeks. You’re going to look fabulous in it.
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It’s unfortunate, but we’re creatures of habit and we’ll hold onto our convictions until we’re literally forced to stop.
You basically have to walk a perfect straight line at all times in Japan because if you veer off at any moment you will almost definitely get mashed by a Japanese lady on a mamabike with three kids strapped to it.
Come on people, as if other people’s choices of love affected you in the least. Penguins don’t pull this crap on fellow homosexual penguins.
3. You’ve searched Etsy or eBay for a cute and inexpensive fez.