Remember The Summer We Didn’t Eat?

Dec. 28, 2011

By Rae Knight info

Rae’s an American living in the UK.

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Remember that summer we didn’t eat? We felt absurdly large in our size four swimsuits and cutoff shorts, so we starved ourselves. We climbed over rocks and over backseats. We let the summer sun touch our new skin and the summer boys feel our new bodies. We felt the highest highs and the lowest lows, but we had each other to keep us strong so we would run out into the streets, take the back roads to a field, strip to our souls and scream to the sky.

Remember the fall we didn’t eat? We kept a firm diet of Adderall, cigarettes, and coffee. Our parents’ might have said something, but we were playing it too well. Grades didn’t falter, social lives thrived, friendships strengthened. Ours strengthened, even as our bodies wasted into clouds of dust and our vibrant personalities faded with the leaves.

Remember the winter we didn’t eat? We had to get creative, too many family dinners. We took those volunteer jobs at the daycare center hoping we would catch colds, a flu just in time for the holidays. When that didn’t work, we declared that it was the season for giving and spent our Thanksgiving and Christmas working at the food bank, feeding homeless people who most certainly had more to eat than either of us.

Remember the spring people caught on? Me 5’10” you 5’7”, we both weighed in at under 100 pounds, we were sent to facilities, separately, we were told we could no longer be each other’s best friend. When we heard that we promised to not eat until we could see each other, but that didn’t happen. We got better, codependency stripped from us.

Remember the next year, sitting in a diner when we finally talked about it? You were so much better than I was, but we were both trying, getting our lives on track. You said that cigarettes would kill me, a clinger-on from our past lives. We looked at our meals and said that we were strong enough to eat them; we realized that our love for each other didn’t depend on an eating disorder. We entered back into each other’s lives and this time we took up more physical space than emotional space. It felt liberating and warm. We laughed when we thought about how unreal that year had been, then two girls walked in and ordered hot cups of tea and complained that they had eaten too much the day before, one girl announcing that her diet of an apple and a coffee had left her bloated. We stopped laughing then. Looking at a mirror of our past didn’t seem so funny anymore.

Remember how you told me that even if someone recovers from an eating disorder and continues to live a healthy life they’re still 30% more likely to have a heart attack later in life? I told you that something else would get to us first. I watched you shrink, then I watched you grow back. I watched you run a marathon, and watched you eat a huge meal of pasta and bread that night at a celebration dinner. I watched you walk down the aisle from the vantage point of Maid of Honor. And I watched you collapse on your kitchen floor, as I ran for a telephone, frantically dialing 911. But today I will not watch you get lowered into the ground, because I can’t face you. I can’t face your family or your husband. Because I am selfish and I am weak, and I can’t forgive myself.

Remember all those years ago when I unintentionally embarked on a journey that would kill you? Because I do, and I am so sorry. TC mark

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image: Aussiegall

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  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

    toasted rye with avocados and hot sauce. edamame with vinaigrette. black coffee. every. fucking. summer.

  • guest

    This made me openly cry at work. She knows you’re sorry. Please remember that, and remember that you still have the rest of your life to live – both for her and for yourself.

  • mookie

    this was sad. i hope it’s real and not a PSA. 

    and michale koh didn’t even read.

  • http://paintwithwords.tumblr.com/ leah

    wow..

  • Guest

    I’d actually rather it’s not real, as no one should have to go through the pain and guilt the author is going through…

  • http://www.facebook.com/amandabloomoon Amanda Bloom

    The American Apparel ad at the bottom of this article is very ironic..

  • http://twitter.com/CarmellaOsborne Carmella Osborne

    I like that there’s an American Apparel advert at the bottom of this heart-wrenchingly sad article. 

  • Lindsay

    oh my god, i cried

  • Sara42085

    I am 26 years old and have had an eating disorder for 15 years. I have been to numerous therapist and facilities and nothing has ever worked or gotten through to me. This article definitely changed my way of thinking and inspired me. I personally believe with every bad situation something good comes out of it and for you it is your story helping people like me realize that all the harm you are doing to your body really isn’t worth it. Thanks for sharing.

  • Jessica

    Haunting 

  • Sophia

    this was scary and haunting and so, so sad. but don’t blame yourself forever. you can’t live like that.

  • http://twitter.com/eglectic Egle Makaraite

    This is fantastic. Just remember that other peoples’ choices are not your problem, even if it really seems otherwise.

  • GP

    Tears

  • Anon

    I’ve been battling an eating disorder for three years now but have been declared healthy since July. Due to recent events, I’ve fallen back into old habits. I really needed this tonight. Recognize how it all began, but don’t hold yourself responsible.

  • Anonymous

    I have been suffering from an ED for quite some time. My throat is currently killing me from purging at least 6 times this week. I have been struggling to recover this month, and failing, but this article really touched me. the familiarity of your words is haunting. i’m so sorry this happened to you, please understand that you sharing this article has pushed me one step closer in the right direction. 

  • Anonymous

    I have been suffering from an ED for quite some time. My throat is currently killing me from purging at least 6 times this week. I have been struggling to recover this month, and failing, but this article really touched me. the familiarity of your words is haunting. i’m so sorry this happened to you, please understand that you sharing this article has pushed me one step closer in the right direction. 

  • Rachel

    this was amazing/touching/painful/inspiring/everything

    going on year 8 of my personal struggle and this…hit closer to home than anything I’ve read on the topic before.

    I hope you will soon be able to see that you are not at fault for this tragedy. and I hope you are okay.

  • Megan

    This is one of the most beautifully written, emotionally poignant pieces I’ve read on this website. It brought me back to when I was 13 and 14 and 15 and had a best friend who didn’t eat, and I didn’t eat, and I ended up okay, and she didn’t, and the guilt of that is still overwhelming. I feel for you so strongly. It is not your fault. 

  • Anonymous

    I lost 50 lbs in 3 months barely eating anything. I never got to the point where I was hospitalized, but it happened as part of a friendship, and now that we’re not longer friends I eat normally and I’ve gained a fair bit of the weight back. But I’m so worried about her. I hate her in a lot of ways, but I can’t imagine the feelings you’re having right now. She was doing worse than I was… and I encouraged her, because it helped to keep me going. I really… I’m crying right now.

  • http://www.facebook.com/grc15r Gregory Costa

    I think you  missed the point of this…

  • Munchimaid

    This was amazing.  

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

    i miss the point every time, what’s the point hehe

  • Ellebell

    wow. this is me exactly. i never thought about the friends that I have been affecting. when they say “I worry about you” I take that as a compliment as if that means I am loosing more weight and this is my ultimate goal. food has consumed my life, my weight has consumed my life, my disorder has consumed my life. i am now searching for help. i cant live like this and I sure as hell do not want to put my loved ones through this anymore.

  • http://twitter.com/brittanyroehrs Brittany Roehrs

    I’m in recovery. Been flirting with the idea of going back. Thanks for reminding me that that choice will at some point come down to one of life and death. 

  • Griffith Gray

    This was really beautiful, painful, and close to home. Most personal and striking thing I’ve read here ever.

  • Lady Eremite

    This was so well-done it made me cry; you are so very brave to write this. My sister had anorexia when she was 16, and it nearly killed her. I wish you could post this on all those pro-ana sites out there, in the hopes that just a few people would realize that it’s not just their own lives they might be throwing away. 

  • ourownurl

    This is wonderfully written.  You are an incredibly insightful person and the way you use language to capture emotion is amazing.  You give cast a beautiful, illuminating light on a dark, painful subject.

  • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

    This apology belonged folded up in her casket, not on the internet.

  • PWK

    “I can’t face your family or your husband . Because I am selfish and I am weak, and I can’t forgive myself.” I cried.

  • Anonymous

    TO … I disagree, I think it belongs on the internet as a warning from those who don’t realize the path their eating disorder is paving for them. I’m glad she posted it. I will share her story with my COUNTLESS friends suffering from ED’s. 

  • http://twitter.com/SophiiieCooke Sophie Cooke

    This is amazing, the end just hits you smack in face. You’re very brave for writing it. Much love.

  • Anonymous

    The ending slapped the hell out of me :(

  • Ap2962

    This is beautiful. As someone in recovery from anorexia, it was one of the most poignant and painful reflections I have read. That being said, I think it’s a little much to suggest your responsibility for her death. Eating disorders are extraordinarily complex, and to claim ownership of someone else’s disease, and in turn death is a bit egocentric, as perverse as that may sound. Addiction (the umbrella disease under which eating disorders fall) is something that cannot be prompted by someone else’s actions. She (and you) were more likely than not born susceptible to anorexia – had a summer of experimentation not precipitated either of your diseases, something else surely would have. 
    Obviously, guilt is real. Pain is real. Not being able to watch your friend being lowered into the ground is so real it hurts to read. But that last line really rubbed me the wrong way. 

  • kgb kgbb

    stuff it.

  • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

    LULZ.

  • Mag

    Yep. Stuff it. 

  • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

    Or … not.

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