Polyamory: You’re Doing It Wrong

Oct. 17, 2011

By Mila Jaroniec info

Mila lives and writes in DC.

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The only polyamorous relationship I was ever in ended up being very short-lived, because I’m convinced my so-called boyfriend was doing it wrong. This was a guy I met at a Students for Freethought meeting during my first few weeks of college. He was ten years older, a self-taught philosopher and everything I was physically into at the moment: tall and sinewy, with deep-set eyes and killer bone structure. Imagine Jack Skellington with thick dark hair and sweaters. He smelled like wet tobacco laced with the pungent green smell of good weed, which he smoked slowly and thoughtfully, as men who look like that are apt to do. I found him completely fascinating and made up my mind to sleep with him.

We had sex the following night. My intentions were to keep it casual, but I started to develop feelings for him. You can’t have casual sex when you’re full of feelings.

He was brilliant, witty and curiously charming. We started doing things together that people who like each other do. We visited art galleries and held hands at parties. He picked me up from class and made me homemade soup. At concerts, he kept one hand on my waist in that comforting, protective way and fed me shots of whiskey through open-mouthed kisses.

Everything would have been totally fine and uncomplicated if he had been up front with me from the beginning, if he had just said, “I would like to be close friends and also sleep with you on a regular-ish basis because you’re interesting and hot.” But he didn’t say that. He said “I love you,” and so I expected him to love me. But he didn’t. Whatever “I love you” meant to him wasn’t at all what “I love you” means.

His other girlfriends were older than me. Not by many years but relatively older, considering the incredibly fast aging process you undergo between freshman year and graduation. At first, sharing my lover wasn’t too bad, until I found myself becoming increasingly enamored of him and starting to need things — reassurance, emotional support. Things you don’t want to admit you need from your partner, but the lack of which can reduce even the most composed and reasonable person into a sobbing mess.

The longer I stayed in the relationship, the more clearly I realized that we were all there to fulfill certain fantasies. Different parts of his personality would come alive with each one of us, that’s why one wasn’t enough. The tall, wiry brunette with the sweet face was for drinking tea at home, discussing feminist perspectives on Sartre with Sigur Ros looping softly through a haze of ashen smoke. There was something about her that made people feel warm and taken care of. I often imagined him leaning over her angular shoulder, kissing a wine-flushed cheek as she stirred couscous on a snowy Thursday.

The fireball blonde with sharply-curved lips was for wild weekends, I decided. Like a hummingbird, she gave off the impression that you couldn’t hold her. She was very petite but not the least bit frail. I wondered if she made him feel powerful, being so small. I wondered if he realized she wasn’t as small as she looked.

And me, eighteen. I felt lost and too young, like a freshly-adopted kid whose new mother tells the other kids to “Be nice, I’m sure we can make room for one more” while rearranging their room to fit another bed. The fact that he got in my pants by saying my poetry moved him (among other things, but basically) just goes to show how clueless I was –- I genuinely thought he was serious. My poetry is really only good for moving into the trash.

He had wanted to eradicate jealousy, to make it a non-issue. Unenlightened people get jealous. Possessive people get jealous. I mean, we all agreed to this, we all knew about each other. We were cool with it, right? Even though I realized full well that it was irrational to get jealous, I still couldn’t help but feel neglected. After all, he had said “I love you.” Why didn’t he love me enough, then, to acknowledge my insecurities? Why didn’t he love me enough to hear me out, smooth my hair and make it all better? Why did he only love me on Wednesdays and Fridays?

It wasn’t until New Year’s Eve, when we all found each other at the same party, at the same time, sharing the same man that I realized I couldn’t do it. It was just too weird. Not really awkward or hostile, but strange. Like we were all in line for the same seat on the same roller coaster, anxiously craning our necks, and there he was, happy, laughing; making his rounds: first holding her hand, and now hers. Eyeing the one in the corner he hadn’t slept with yet, mentally putting her on the list. Taking bites out of every slice of girl pie without bothering to actually put one on his plate. I realized that the acidic, vacuum-y feeling lodged in the pit of my stomach was unfiltered jealousy.

I cornered him in the kitchen, mid-sip of chocolate stout.

“So, did you decide who you’re taking to bed tonight?”

That was supposed to be sarcasm, but I got an answer: the blonde had driven the furthest, so she apparently got the bed rights. I realized he did not give half a shit about how anyone besides himself felt, and so turned and silently returned to my beer.

I woke up the next morning shivering on the couch, covered in smeared eyeliner and trapped under a heavy sense of stupid loss. The kind you feel when something awful happens that makes you feel wronged by the world, but was both completely preventable and absolutely your fault no matter how you try to think about it.

I came to understand later that he never loved me, not really. He loved the idea of me, if anything. He loved spending time with me; the conversations, the boozy evenings, the easy sex. But he had no idea who I was, and was content not knowing. He was never there when I needed him, never concerned with my life except for when it involved him. He only really listened to me when I said his name.

What made this experience so particularly hurtful, even in light of all the messy relationship drama in my past, is that he didn’t take care of my heart. He had reached out for it, I dropped it in his hand; he dropped it clumsily among his books and papers. It was an exotic plant he had special-ordered and then forgot to water. A piece of taxidermy mounted in his gallery. I wasn’t a person with feelings, I was #3.

I still don’t think that monogamy is the only way — it really is not. Relationships, like people, come in all shapes and sizes. There are plenty of people out there who can and do make polyamorous relationships work. However, when you’re polyamorous, it’s not enough to just get the “poly” part down — you also have to have the genuine amor. If you’re going to take on the job of having multiple loves, you have to put your heart where your mouth is. Loving someone means more than giving them the time of day twice a week — it means actually caring and engaging. It means making them feel like more than business suits on rotation during the work week. There is a marked difference between lovers and friends with benefits. You can’t just drop the love bomb and not expect it to detonate.

“I love you.” Really, do you? Those words are so deceptively heavy. We throw them around like nothing but rarely consider the impact of their weight. TC mark

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image – Emmanuel Huybrechts

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  • Anonymous

    A real polyamorous relationship involves all members loving each other.

  • http://www.facebook.com/antoniowatson Antonio Watson

    Out of curiosity, how many nice guys did you step on during the course of this event?

  • Christina

    I really liked this, a lot. 

  • Anonymous

    This was wonderful. Thanks for the perspective.

  • http://twitter.com/kaimcn Kai

    Amazing. I made the same mistake of  “non-monogamy” in my freshman year and while grateful for the experience, it stung. I wasn’t always the youngest but I always felt like the most clueless.

  • http://twitter.com/mung_beans Mung Beans

    fuck you

  • Lu Zeng

    I was struggling to articulate this very sentiment to Antonio.

  • Anonymous

    This is so touching and beautifully expressed. My heart ached for you when you said you felt at fault the morning after. There is no fault in opening your heart, even if your brain should maybe know better.

  • Guest

    Of all of the articles on thought catalog about females liking ‘not nice’ guys and making bad decisions I think this one deserved that comment the least.

  • Guest

    i dont know know what to say about this. it was wonderful! and beautiful.

  • Mars

    killer article.
    descriptions-spot on.
    love it. and you ;P

  • Guest

    explain…

  • g.

    I’m not too keen on the polyamorous relationships, but I loved this. It was beautifully done and I love the perspective you gave — not over emotional and ranty, but surprisingly calm and honest for the situation. It really felt like a genuine “thought” writing…not scripted, not whiney or ventful (not a word, I know), not faked.

  • Sophia

    This was absolutely wonderful, and despite never having been in this situation, I felt like I could completely relate. Stephanie, you are just wonderful.

  • http://twitter.com/Revulu Revulú

     exactly. Despite the title, this essay was not about ‘polyamory’

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=704016484 Joe Ott

    i agree with this person. this is really, really good.

  • Anonymous

    You mean Mila ;) but thanks!!

  • http://mrianmbelcurry.tumblr.com/ Mr. Ian M. Belcurry

    damn, really good

  • Amber

    Do you have a reading comprehension problem? There are like, 3 whole paragraphs devoted specifically to this point. 

  • http://twitter.com/Revulu Revulú

     so you dont understand what ‘polyamory’ means.   Got it.

  • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

    Ouch. This sounds like an open non-relationship than polyamory but… I get what you’re saying. Live and learn, eh?

  • Anonymous

    Psh the only poly relationship that works is the Mikael Blomkvist/Erika Berger/her husband love triangle. Obvi.

  • Anonymous

    Psh the only poly relationship that works is the Mikael Blomkvist/Erika Berger/her husband love triangle. Obvi.

  • Amber

    No, I just think it’s really rude to denounce someone else’s experience and say “that’s not xyz because it varies from my own personal definition and experience of what xyz is.” It’s judgmental and regressive.

  • TS

    I loved the final few lines.  So true.

  • http://www.facebook.com/antoniowatson Antonio Watson

    For asking a question? Wow.

  • http://twitter.com/mung_beans Mung Beans

    for asking a meanspirited and asinine question

  • Amber

    Oh yeah right, just a perfectly innocent and simple question! My eyes just rolled into the back of my head, so thanks for that.

  • http://www.facebook.com/antoniowatson Antonio Watson

    The question was objective.

  • Amber

    How the hell was it objective? Where does she say anything at all in this entire post that would make such a question appropriate? Why don’t you go ask that question in the “Uncomfortable Thoughts Inspired by My Roommates’ Rabbit” post, because it would be just as relevant as it is here. 

  • http://twitter.com/gracielleadeux GREYSH!

    This is captivating. Nice writing. :)

  • http://www.badbadbad.net jesusangelgarcia

    That was beautiful. It’s all about “taking care of the heart.”

    Whiskey kisses are a close second, though.

  • http://www.badbadbad.net jesusangelgarcia

    That was beautiful. It’s all about “taking care of the heart.”

    Whiskey kisses are a close second, though.

  • http://www.badbadbad.net jesusangelgarcia

    That was beautiful. It’s all about “taking care of the heart.”

    Whiskey kisses are a close second, though.

  • http://www.badbadbad.net jesusangelgarcia

    That was beautiful. It’s all about “taking care of the heart.”

    Whiskey kisses are a close second, though.

  • http://www.badbadbad.net jesusangelgarcia

    That was beautiful. It’s all about “taking care of the heart.”

    Whiskey kisses are a close second, though.

  • http://www.badbadbad.net jesusangelgarcia

    That was beautiful. It’s all about “taking care of the heart.”

    Whiskey kisses are a close second, though.

  • gvest

    so you would rather post a condescending reply than an answer as to why you feel those paragraphs didn’t address the top of your satisfaction.

  • Sophia

    Ahaha I must have opened this at the same time as one of Steph’s articles :) In any case, I meant you!

  • Guy

    This was absolutely wonderful to read. Dare I say poignant?

  • http://miriammogilevsky.wordpress.com Miriam Mogilevsky

    Great article.

  • ariel

    I really liked this.

    I also kind of think this guy is a sociopath, it seems like he lacks some compassion and empathy…

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Sam-Zippity-Zappity-Roberts/621794808 Sam Zippity Zappity Roberts

    Wonderfully, lyrically, lushly, poignant.  

    Beautiful writing.

  • ariel

    In my experience, guys that complain that girls don’t like “nice guys” and complain about how they are always overlooked and have so much to offer aren’t actually particularly nice guys. Just sayin’. 

  • ariel

    In my experience, guys that complain that girls don’t like “nice guys” and complain about how they are always overlooked and have so much to offer aren’t actually particularly nice guys. Just sayin’. 

  • Dudewhat2k11

    tilda swinton, her husband and her boyfriend. hello.

  • guestface killah

    girls do this type of shit too… i just broke it off with a girl i’d been seeing who would just constantly blurt out her love for me during sex but then be gone for months, be cold when it suited her, and generally be impossible to take seriously as a relationship prospect; yet she would pull out all the emotional stops, waiting til right when i started to buy in to pull away again…

    it went on for a while, till she ended up telling me off for some imagined fucking around on my part when she was obv handling her share of dick

    in short, bitches be crazy

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=10036647 Aimee Vondrak

    :(

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=10036647 Aimee Vondrak

    I am so thrilled to read all the positive comments for your article because I too thought it was very nicely written. Not a lot of unnecessary descriptors and elongated metaphors. Makes me think about contributing an article now that I see writing styles like Ryan, Kat, and Stephanie– God bless their typically well-written and well-liked, relative pieces– are not the only ones TC readers like to experience. Thanks for this refreshing and personal tour through this struggle of yours.

  • LettuceBeCereal

    Do you say “I love you” to your dad? And your mom? And your sister? And your brother? And cousins? And friends?

    Does answering “yes” to more than one of those mean you don’t REALLY love them? Cause that’s the judgement you’re casting on this guy.

    Do you see all of those people more than twice a week and know everything that’s going on in their lives 24/7 and help every single one of them anytime they need anything? If your distant cousin needed help but so did your best friend would you help your distant cousin over your best friend even though your best friend takes higher priority in your mind?

    Does answering “no” to any of these questions mean you don’t REALLY love them? Cause that’s the judgement you’re casting on this guy.

    Your writing is great, but you’re making a double-standard to paint the guy as a jerk who lied to you and tossed you aside when you might have just had different outlooks on how many people you’re allowed to love at a time.

    Does answering no to any if

  • Anonymous

    lol. God, what an easy whore. That’s probably why she was later easily led into the dyke lifestyle—just an easily manipulated, soft-brained little slut.

  • Anonymous

    lol. God, what an easy whore. That’s probably why she was later easily led into the dyke lifestyle—just an easily manipulated, soft-brained little slut.

  • Alice

    oh seriously. go fuck yourself

  • Annie_Chan5

    “I Love You” has different implications in the context of a romantic or sexual relationship. Everybody knows this. Loving your family is not comparable.

  • spinflux

    I thought Tilda had a female lover.

  • http://twitter.com/mung_beans Mung Beans

    Except that he didn’t actually love her.  That’s not a judgment on the idea of multiple partners or polyamory itself.

  • http://twitter.com/mung_beans Mung Beans

    not necessarily

  • Anonymous

    I can see this young girl will be one of the many women in the coming decades to end up alone with many cats; indeed, cats sometimes eat their owners in their sleep.

  • Anonymous

    Yep.  Guys know better than to take a woman who spreads for them too soon seriously.

  • Myhsgal

    Wow. I almost forgot about Trolls like you. Guess not even t.c. Is safe.

  • Guest

    Her point wasn’t that you can’t love more than one person, in fact it was the opposite. At the end she stated it is VERY possible to love more than one person, this particular guy failed at polyamore BECAUSE he didn’t “amore” he didn’t love any of them. He just …ploy-ied?

  • Alice

    Me?

  • Mars

    yeah, because all lesbians are really manipulated into being lesbians, not because they find themselves attracted to women or anything.

    you dumb cunt.

  • Amber

    She might have at one point in time, but her lover right now is male.

  • Anonymous

    Why, when I know two Appletini’s later you’ll do it for me?

  • Anonymous

    Sorry if your weak little mind wants to be protected from reality.

  • Anonymous

    Sorry if your weak little mind wants to be protected from reality.

  • Anonymous

    You still are among the clueless, babe.

  • Anonymous

    In my experience, women want two kinds of men: the kind they fuck around with and the kind they expect to take care of them without demanding sex.

    Funny how women always want everything for nothing in return.

  • Anonymous

    It’s always appropriate.

    1. If she didn’t have a lot of partners, her inability to understand her position as “random fuck doll # 2″ is explained.

    2. A woman’s number matters.

  • Anonymous

    It’s always appropriate.

    1. If she didn’t have a lot of partners, her inability to understand her position as “random fuck doll # 2″ is explained.

    2. A woman’s number matters.

  • Anonymous

    It’s always appropriate.

    1. If she didn’t have a lot of partners, her inability to understand her position as “random fuck doll # 2″ is explained.

    2. A woman’s number matters.

  • Anonymous

    It’s always appropriate.

    1. If she didn’t have a lot of partners, her inability to understand her position as “random fuck doll # 2″ is explained.

    2. A woman’s number matters.

  • Anonymous

    It’s always appropriate.

    1. If she didn’t have a lot of partners, her inability to understand her position as “random fuck doll # 2″ is explained.

    2. A woman’s number matters.

  • Anonymous

    It’s always appropriate.

    1. If she didn’t have a lot of partners, her inability to understand her position as “random fuck doll # 2″ is explained.

    2. A woman’s number matters.

  • Anonymous

    Pretty much. Except the ugly ones—they have no choice but to go full dyke.

  • Anonymous

    I’ll bet you really love the cock, a lot.

  • Amber

    Flagged ya, troll! 

  • Anonymous

    That’s a really esoteric and unnecessarily complicated way of saying something very simply.  Here, try this on for size:

    “Your comment doesn’t really apply here.”

    Lemme guess, grad student?

  • Anonymous

    Never question a female’s slutty actions!

  • Anonymous

    Never question a female’s slutty actions!

  • Anonymous

    Never question a female’s slutty actions!

  • Anonymous

    Never question a female’s slutty actions!

  • Anonymous

    Never question a female’s slutty actions!

  • Anonymous

    Never question a female’s slutty actions!

  • Anonymous

    Never question a female’s slutty actions!

  • Anonymous

    Never question a female’s slutty actions!

  • Anonymous

    Never question a female’s slutty actions!

  • Anonymous

    Never question a female’s slutty actions!

  • Anonymous

    Never question a female’s slutty actions!

  • Anonymous

    LMAO ROFL.

    OH NOES I GOTS FLAGGED WHATEVERS WILL I DOOOOOOOSS????!!!

    lol. You’re such a dumb women you think that did something to me. What a weak-minded little broad you are.

  • Anonymous

    LMAO ROFL.

    OH NOES I GOTS FLAGGED WHATEVERS WILL I DOOOOOOOSS????!!!

    lol. You’re such a dumb women you think that did something to me. What a weak-minded little broad you are.

  • Anonymous

    I’m sure that’s not the only thing you struggle with, son.

  • Anonymous

    I’m sure that’s not the only thing you struggle with, son.

  • Anonymous

    I’m sure that’s not the only thing you struggle with, son.

  • Anonymous

    I’m sure that’s not the only thing you struggle with, son.

  • Anonymous

    I’m sure that’s not the only thing you struggle with, son.

  • Anonymous

    I’m sure that’s not the only thing you struggle with, son.

  • Anonymous

    I’m sure that’s not the only thing you struggle with, son.

  • Anonymous

    I’m sure that’s not the only thing you struggle with, son.

  • Anonymous

    All thought requires judgment, dumbass.

    Hmm…that explains the lack of brain power amongst leftists.

  • Anonymous

    All thought requires judgment, dumbass.

    Hmm…that explains the lack of brain power amongst leftists.

  • http://twitter.com/mung_beans Mung Beans

    What the everloving shit is an Appletini?  

  • http://twitter.com/mung_beans Mung Beans

    Why didn’t I know Tilda Swinton is fucking awesome until just now?  

  • Anonymous

    Ah, women. Too dumb to even use the internet correctly:

    http://lmgtfy.com/?q=appletini

  • Anonymous

    The fact that you think someone is “awesome” based on their sexual choices shows that you value people based on their alleged sexual preferences. But, like a hypocrite, I’ll bet you get mad when other people do it, but negatively, about homosexuals.

  • Anonymous

    Hilarious. You meant hilarious. And trite.

  • http://twitter.com/RantingOwl The Owl

    Troll.

  • ariel

    From my understanding of the article it seems like he was using “I love you” as a way to manipulate, not that it is impossible for someone to love more than one person.  

  • ariel

    From my understanding of the article it seems like he was using “I love you” as a way to manipulate, not that it is impossible for someone to love more than one person.  

  • http://twitter.com/mung_beans Mung Beans

    hehe

  • http://twitter.com/mung_beans Mung Beans

    hehe

  • http://twitter.com/mung_beans Mung Beans

    Mmmmmmmm cock

  • http://twitter.com/mung_beans Mung Beans

    so do you want to do it or what

  • Guest

    Stop denouncing people for being judgmental and regressive! Jerk!

  • Anonymous

    Silly little ugly whore. 

  • Anonymous

    Silly little ugly whore. 

  • Anonymous

    Yep, a typical feminist: an easy lay.

  • Anonymous

    Yep, a typical feminist: an easy lay.

  • Anonymous

    You mad, ho?

  • guest

    this is the best comments section ive seen in awhile

  • *bob*

    i LOVE this! i found it through reddit and im absolutely in love. (not in the way he was in love. although, now that i think about it… perhaps. but im not trying to get you in bed.) anyways… i have a guy “friend” that is JUST like this. and it wasnt until he introduced me to “Lisa” and her and i clicked that i really realized. in some ways, yes i can say he treats me better then the others, but still not the way i need to be treated. thank you thank you thank you for expressing what im feeling and showing that im not the only one to fall for this shit. xox best wishes to you. ~m

  • *bob*

    ps: amber…. <3 youre adorable. -xx here.

  • *bob*

    i dont want a man to take care of me. period. i dont care what he expects or hopes to get out of it. im self sufficient. i dont need a man to provide for me and i dont want the feelings of obligation that go with it. i have 2 types of men in my life, friends that i get naked with from time to time and friends that you coudlnt get me drunk enough to get naked with. ever. the friendship is the base. anything else is icing.

  • http://twitter.com/kaimcn Kai

    I’m not denying it, but why?

  • LettuceBeCereal

    “Except that he didn’t actually love her.”

    Based on?

    The fact that he didn’t hang out with her 7 days a week 24/7 and take care of every single insecure clingy need she had?  The fact that he slept with another woman?  It can’t be that, since the whole poly thing involves that from the start.

    What didn’t he do that he should’ve done?  If a poly juggles multiple relationships they obviously can’t be involved in all relationships all the time.  So either you’re saying poly people don’t really love anyone or that poly people should have only one relationship which would make them not poly.

    I guess there’s no sense trying to use logic lol let’s tar and feather the jerk!  girl power!!

  • Caloeey

    story of my life if you switched the genders.

  • http://blog.themerchgirl.net Creatrix Tiara

    say what now? Polyamourous relationships take on all sorts of forms. some are polyfidelitious – a closed loop, basically – but not all of them are. Doesn’t make them any less poly.

    I’m conflicted about this article. On the one hand, the guy hadn’t taken the time to be considerate about your needs (from what it sounds like in the article) and the ILY seemed to be lip service. On the other hand – I think the fact that he had multiple girlfriends was a red herring. Mono couples communicate badly (or not at all) too; manipulation still happens.

    And as for not doing the “amor” right…seems to me there was a major case of under communication here, because people love in many different ways. Hell just splitting it to family vs sexual vs friends isn’t very helpful for some intimacies.

  • xo

    I like this article. I hear you lady. I can feel you. 
    I have never come across healthy poly relationships myself. 
    I have also come to accept that jealousy is part of my romantic self . 

  • honeybadger

    I dated the blonde as well. No kidding.  She was a firecracker. We had some jamming times at Ladies Eighties.

  • guest

    There’s a book called The Ethical Slut. It’s on Amazon. It’s a great intro book for handling polyamory in your life.

  • G-girl

    I love your expression of your experience. You really have a way with words. Selfish emotionally immature people sometimes hide behind “enlightened” thinking and get away with a lot. I don’t know him, so I can’t say he did but I know people who do. But also we have to look at what our definition of love is. I can’t say if he loved you but I can see that you have some expectations around what being loving toward you means. Ideas about love that went unspoken and therefore unchallenged. Was he wrong? Maybe, I don’t know. 

    I am in a poly relationship with two lovely men one for 12 years (legally married) the other for 8. It does work. They know, they are friends, and for the most part with clear communication and appropriate scheduling it works very well. It is possible to be loving toward more than one person. Do we all mean the same thing when we say “I love you?” not always but we work through our expectations and desires one at a time until we are more clear. I have to speak up when I am insecure. It isn’t up to them to mystically get it and then fix it. That is what good communication is about. That’s what good boundaries are for. I do love them and I know they love me. They show me. Do I always get things my way? No. Do they? no. But when you are floating in uncharted sea sometimes the rules change and survival requires different things. Poly isn’t for everyone but neither is monogamy. I hope you find water you can navigate and I hope that you won’t let one experience with someone who may have thought it made him cool and met what needs he had ruin what could be a beautiful loving life for you. Peace. LL

  • beentheredonethat

    I have so been through that. I still don’t need my relationships to be monogamous, but I certainly don’t want to be in non-monogamous relationships that are non-monogamous to satisfy someone else’s narcissism. I had a poly partner who continues to be an outspoken advocate for polyamory and positions themselves to be a media figure and poster child for how fantastic polyamory is.

    Except that most of their relationships are trainwrecks. But they are too narcissistic to see that. They simply put all their personal trainwrecks to the other person not having been able to handle it or not being enlightened enough.

    Sadly, I do think polyamory does attract such narcissistic people. But thankfully, there are other more adult people who are capable of having adult relationships in a non-monogamous context.

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