Please Don’t Hang Out With Me If You Have A Boyfriend

Nov. 9, 2011

By Ryan O'Connell info

I write and edit Thought Catalog. I'm a brat. Send me fun things at ryan@thoughtcatalog.com

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What’s up with people who are in relationships and still playing the field? I know monogamy and gay men haven’t always seen eye-to-eye but this is getting ridiculous. LISTEN, JUST PLEASE DON’T HANG OUT WITH ME IF YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND! Until you dropped the “B” bomb, we were headed into a flirty/”we’ll be sleeping together ASAP” direction. And then, big bang boom, you thought it would be a good time to mention you were in a committed LTR relationship. What? Did you really just “Jack Berger” me? Have I been Jack Berger’d?

This is depressing for a few reasons. One being that you feel stupid, like you were maybe reading too much into things and maybe YOU’RE the crazy one. (Spoiler: You’re not.) It’s also depressing to think about in terms of the strength of monogamy. I’ve watched people in relationships pursue a hook up aggressively with apparently no regard for their significant other at home. Is this the secret life of a person who’s in a LTR? They have their cake and lie to it too? With some of the men who have dropped “B” bombs (sometimes after hooking up), I want to shake them and be like, “No! This kind of behavior isn’t allowed! If I were your boyfriend, I would pretty much kill you for this.” Is everyone cheating on each other now? Is that just what happens? It all just seems so bleak.

I’m not saying that people in LTR’s aren’t allowed to pursue friendships with single people. However, you need to lay your relationship cards on the table from the get-go. Be like “Hi, nice to meet you. By the way, we can’t make out later because I’m in a relationship. Wanna get the sangria?!” Be open and honest. Don’t just pull out that very important piece of information when we’re already five hang outs deep. Otherwise, you’re guilty of false advertising! Oh and PS, I don’t want to be your friend. I want to give you a beej so bye.

It’s weird for me to see this happen because I’m such a hardcore monogamist. Even in those vague four-month relationships I often found myself in during college, where it’s unclear if you’re exclusive or not, I never screwed around. Once I’m sleeping with someone on the regular, I lose any desire for someone else. Why wouldn’t I? Why would I want to grab drinks with a cute single guy when I have one waiting for me at home? I don’t quite understand the desire and, for that, I’m fortunate. For some people, staying faithful is a daily struggle. The motives for infidelity run the gamut but the fact remains that it happens, perhaps more often than we’d like to admit.

I guess it’s just one of the realities of being single. You try not to become “The Other Man” to someone and become “The Man.” That being said, judging by my own personal experiences, I now believe that being “The Man” doesn’t necessarily grant you more power and security. In fact it can sometimes just make you more paranoid and miserable than if you remained single. Moral of the story? We’re all screwed. Again. Sweet. TC mark

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image – A Single Man

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  • Leigh

    yep

  • Tori Houston

    My thoughts exactly…and I’m in a LTR!

  • http://www.oneyearintexas.com Perfect Circles

    If you can’t reveal your relationship to a new person you would otherwise consider dating, you probably want to date that new person more / don’t want to be in the relationship.

    • aggle

      sure. that’s what i like to think too

  • SS

    A more accurate title for this article would be “Please don’t hang out with me if you have a boyfriend and are going to be a stupid cunt about it”

  • Lauren

    Haha, “I want to give you a beej so bye.” 

  • LazyReader

    Have you been sitting at the next table through all my OKCupid dates of late?  It’s gotten to the point where I’ve added this to my profile: “And while this might sound silly: you should also be Over-and-Done with the relationship you have with your “ex”. No “taking a break” or “open relationships” or occasional “fuck buddies”. No co-habitating with her for whatever reasons that make sense to you.”
    The upseting thing is that people tell me it makes ME look crazy for stating this.  Like this is an unacceptable request for a date! (never mind that I’ve seen more pictures of erect dick on this site in 2 months than I’ve seen in life in 2 years)

  • http://twitter.com/FLYamSAM Denden

    Everyone is doing everyone
    (at least if you’re gay)

  • Mashka

    hahahhhhh. omg. So. here’s a fun lil’ story. Met a dude in a very romantic ‘chance meeting’ type of scenario. We kinda fell for each other. I go to visit him one weekend and he tells me beforehand that he’s dating someone. Oh ok. When I get there he says that they broke up. We hook up he tells me after the fact that he has feelings for me but then a WEEK later he gets back together with the girl. “Back together”.

    He knows I have (HAD) feelings for him, and clearly doesn’t care considering he makes no qualms about mentioning that he can’t hang out because it’s “date night” or something of the sort. 

    • Guest

      this. just. happened. to. me. but then he and the girl broke up again and now i don’t know what to do about it.

      • Mashka

        ugh girl stay away! All of my friends were telling me from the start he sounded like bad news and I kept defending him/the situation for some reason when ultimately it turns out they were right.

        If he wants to be with you, let him pursue you! That’s what I keep telling myself anyway. 

    • Guest

      this happened to me a while ago. I seriously have never been lied to by a guy, I guess I was lucky before this little situation happened because all of them were very honest with me. Sucks. Liars are shit, it pisses me off that I assumed the dude was cool and honest.

  • Eric

    Why is it, as a straight male, that I always find this guy’s articles on here the most applicable to my life?

    • http://twitter.com/FLYamSAM Denden

      Come to this side of the rainbow bb

    • ryan o’connell

      best/most flattering comment ever. sobbing.

    • Mandatory

      because it’s time men start talking about the fact that there is a shared male experience. you know, our version of this sisterhood shit girls have been blabbering about for a few decades now

      • http://twitter.com/mung_beans Mung Beans

        ‘sisterhood shit girls have been blabbering about’

        dang, homie

    • Guest

      boys will be boys, or something.

  • http://twitter.com/FLYamSAM Denden

    Why is it that whenever I read @ryanoconn:disqus  articles I want to be a vapid whore. I don’t even care about majoring in philosophy anymore. I don’t care about the ontological status of fetuses, or the metaphysics of morals, or what we’re going to #occupy next week….

    All I want to do is love men. Be touchy feely with males (and even females). Watch movies. Get buzzed (maybe even a bit high). Go out to The Grove. Maybe stop by the Beverly Center. Take some shots of my friends and upload them to Instagram. Eat expensive food loaded with calaries… get lost in human pleasure…..

    =(

  • http://twitter.com/kaimcn Kai

    I hate the people who do this! They’re in a LTR and may even have no intentions of cheating, but they love lapping up the attention from single people who think they have a chance.  It’s self-centred and self-serving and makes you the kind of person I don’t want to be around at all.

    And if I continue to be unable to resist them, it makes me the kind of person I don’t want to be around. 

  • Linamenina

    What if the person has an open relationship or the couple is comprised of a pair of swingers? What if they practice polyamory? It just seems really regressive to me to assume people have the same view of relationships as you do. So you’re a hardcore monogamist? Good for you! 1) It doesn’t mean the rest of the world is and 2) it certainly doesn’t mean you are better than they are. Also, what happened to being proactive? If you care so much about this issue, stop relying on the other person to spill their relationship beans. Instead, lay YOUR cards on the table first (i.e. “hey, if you have a b/f I’m really not interested in anything beyond friendship”.) See how easy that is?

    • Rachel S.

      yes but you should still be upfront. you may be polyamorous, but that doesn’t mean the person you are flirting with is, and they have the right to know if they think that you guys are going to be super special boyfriends or whatever, and there is actually another person in the mix.

      • Linamenina

        I really hope that “you” applies to both the flirter and the flirtee. The person who is receiving all of the flirts is just as responsible in that situation and shouldn’t assume anything either. Take charge of it, no matter what side you’re on. None of this “I’m an innocent doe that things just happen to” business. Everyone is accountable for what happens in their own lives.

    • http://www.facebook.com/austin.helms Austin Helms

      I don’t think the onus falls to the single person. If someone is actively flirting with you (not just being nice or in my case, just naturally flirty), it just natural to assume they are single. If they are not, they should be upfront. 

      Honesty will always win out. I even have a silly case where my ex and I are still in love, but there are prevailing circumstances that are keeping us apart. However, I feel like we’ll still get together in the future, and I even tell people who I am dating/seeing/sleeping with that that’s the case. Sure you may get burned, but it’s better than the alternative.

    • Guest

      wtf? if you’re in a polyamourous/swinger relationship, sorry bitch, but you’re in the minority.  when someone says “i have a girlfriend” or “i have a boyfriend”, it’s usually assumed that they aren’t in a plural relationship. No one assumes that the person is a swinger because chances are that THEY ARE MONOGAMOUS. Fucking moron.

  • Anton

    Often I’m much more interested in the power that comes from being surrounded by people that want to fuck me than actually to fuck them.

    • http://twitter.com/mung_beans Mung Beans

      #dark

  • Sophia

    Coming at this from the opposite perspective, I try really hard NOT to flirt since I’m in a relationship, but somehow I sometimes fail to realize that a person is into me, and I end up grabbing dinner or hanging out with this person that I think is just a friend, and then I realize that “holy shit this person thinks we’re on a date” and it’s just awful. And bringing up your boyfriend at that point is just flat-out awkward.

  • AJ

    Ohh this thing. Yea, it’s the worst, especially when you proceed to get upset and they then put on the mock innocent look that basically says “I thought I mentioned I had a BF/I think you are just soo cool and still want to get to know you/No I wasnt checking out your ass and you should totally come over and watch Charlie St. Cloud with me.” or whatever.

  • Omgz

    you suck. shut up

    • Kaytee

      No, you suck. Shut Up. :)

  • NawwThanks

    *shrugs* hey, its not my relationship is it?

  • iwishiwereacat

    hahahahaha, berger’d.

    “moral of the story? we’re all screwed. again. sweet.”
    i adore you, o’connell.

  • Bbags4life

    Just because I’m in a ltr, doesn’t mean I can’t find someone else attractive or have new friends. I don’t tell ppl I have a bf unless I’m asked or it’s brought up. But it is usually brought up and truth be told……. Most of the time divulging that info doesn’t really affect the situation. A person knows how far they want to take it with another person usually within the first 5 mins of convo…. In terms of hooking up or platonic.

    Ppl have been polygamists since B.C. So to impose ‘absolute’ commitment is impractical…. Like who would want to give up everything and just revolve their life around 1 person? That’s the type of behavior that should be frowned upon

    • Guest

      I bet your boyfriend is fucking another chick right now

    • http://www.facebook.com/mico.chopitea Mico Chopitea

      I hope you get cheated on. See how it feels like.

  • Sarah

    Ah the Jack Berger reference. 

  • Stephanie

    Unfortunately…for some reason I think this is the norm these days..gay or straight. It’s selfish for someone to lead anybody on as if  that they are single when they are not. Relationship status should be one the the first things that you should disclose so that both parties are clear on the way things are going to go.

  • Guest

    I still don’t get why people in monogamous relationships need to flirt. It’s one thing just talking to the opposite sex, like a normal person would, but to take it further and compliment the person or hit on them seems very tacky to me. 

  • Guest

    I totes agree with this article and it’s funny everyone says “Oh, it’s okay to go out and flirt even though my boyfriend/girlfriend is at home”, but then as soon as their signfiicant other does it to them, it’s like hell has froze over. It’s fucked up. Do unto others as they do unto you, please. Don’t be selfish and hurt your significant other on some whim that they “probably don’t mind”..

  • http://twitter.com/vickstahs Vicky Nguyen

    It was a little confusing in the second paragraph when you started to refer to “you” and then switch back to “me”. But maybe that’s just me……
    Anyway, really liked this piece. I don’t understand why people struggle with the concept of monogamy either. Men who say that they are scientifically engineered to just “put it out there” shouldn’t be allowed to be in dedicated relationships. They should be branded so the rest of us know what we’re getting ourselves into.

    Women too.

    Actually scratch that: specifically women. Shady bitches.

    Loljk don’t kill me :(

  • ysn

    word.

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