How To Write For A Major Publication

1. Pitch an idea to an editor.
2. Editors are angry, woeful people with coal black hearts and eyes like pissholes in the snow. Be sure to title your emails with one or more of the following words: “Gender politics”, “Check Out My Band”, or “Quim.”
3. Rejection is part of the process. Be prepared for rejection and accept it gracefully.
4. If rejected, whine until an editor accepts something, be it a haiku or a string of random words.
5. Outline your article. What is it about? Why is it important?
6. Having answered those last two questions, now answer the most important question: how will this make you look? Can you get laid from this?
7. Begin writing article.
8. Stop after five words.
9. Space out indefinitely.
10. Cue montage of clock winding forward very fast and page-a-day calenders flipping forward. Congratulate self on creation of minor plot forwarding special effects technique.
11. When editor asks for finished piece, tell them you’re “making some final changes.” These final changes are the beginning, middle, and end of the piece. Do not mention this.
12. Procrastinate further.
13. Remember: editors are like your parents. They will give you money in return for you giving them disappointment.
14. There is nothing an editor loves more than to be forwarded chain emails.
15. Wait until minutes before your last already-been-pushed-back-three-times deadline. This is what we call the “Bourne” moment. It will create suspense.
16. End article with “… and that’s what she said.”
17. Having completed step 16, you may now finally send your finished piece to the editor.
18. “Accidentally” send it fifteen more times; tell them your “email is broken.” Everyone knows the email machine always breaks. It’s not unlike the subway.
19. Within fifteen minutes, send an invoice for twice the amount you had previously agreed on.
20. Complain publicly and bitterly about lack of payment until you get your final check.
21. Harass editors constantly about payment. Commit arson on a bridge. Take pictures. Send picture of burning bridge to editors. They love creative metaphors.
22. Spend money entirely on drugs, hookers, and hookers made entirely out of drugs.
23. Repeat process.

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