On Being Brave Enough To Start Again

Jul. 27, 2011

By Kat George info

#jayzisgreek

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We’ve all felt the sting of heartbreak at one time or another. And even though our experiences are not all alike—varying in extremity from unrequited crushes to soul-mates lost—between our collective, vast array of disappointments, our damp, tear stained pillow cases and brooding, lonely days, we’ve probably all had the same thought at some point: I’m not doing this again. Because no matter how you go through it, or what way you look at it, heartbreak is a taxing exercise.

There are many different ways of dealing, from the stoic, silent suffering of the proud, to the hysterical, lurid self-destruction of the openly distraught; having your heart broken is always a process. No matter how you deal, heartbreak can drain you entirely, both emotionally and physically, and sap your energy on a daily basis, especially where you have a drawn out healing period. But the worst part of having your heart broken sometimes doesn’t manifest until you feel strong again and steel your resolve—it’s the promise you make to yourself that you’ll never be heartbroken again.

It’s painful because you know it’s not you, it’s not right, and because your decision inhibits you from making contact the way you used to. But your aversion to heartbreak is overwhelming, and controls all your actions to the point of self-sabotage, which your wrought subconscious by now deems to be self-preservation. You don’t want to spend those months drinking alone in your room every night. You don’t want to end evenings out with friends sprawled across some dingy bathroom floor, your cheeks stained with mascara and your head resting against the porcelain. You don’t want to lie in bed until 3pm everyday with nothing but white noise in your head. You just don’t want to feel any of those feelings again—emptiness, sorrow, rejection—the ones that came from you letting yourself be vulnerable to someone else. You don’t ever want to relinquish that sort of power to someone again.

Every now and then you’ll meet someone new. Someone maybe your heart would have raced away with, before you experienced the crippling agony of having it broken. And yeah, maybe your heart’s been repaired since, maybe you’re as happy as you’ve ever been and entirely satisfied with yourself and your life—but that’s just the point, isn’t it? You’re no longer prepared to disrupt the harmony. You barely survived it—the first time your world was picked up and shaken like a shitty little snow globe—and you’re not willing to hedge a bet that you’ll survive it a second time.

So you’ll push the new ones away instinctively. Half of you will be relieved and the other half will pang with melancholy. You want to be braver—because when it comes down to the bones of it, all you really are is scared. You wish it was as simple as calling out to your mother and having her check under your bed and in the closet for the boogey man, but you’re on your own now, with no one to protect you from night terrors but yourself. You sometimes think the conflict inside you is tantamount to spilt milk and you feel petty and selfish, but you’ve become so accustomed to living on the back foot you don’t know how to leap forward anymore.

You’re not a bad person—you know you’re not—you have so much love to give, but you’ve never feared anything more than giving it. It seems like such a shame and waste, but at the same time entirely necessary. You desperately want to be inspired again, to hold someone’s hand in the street, to have them brush the hair from your eyes as you rest your face on their chest in bed on lazy Sundays. You want someone to tell you they love you in the dim half-light of morning, you want someone you can cook dinner for, you want someone whose wounds you can lick. You want someone who is at once your best friend but with whom you share the secret sweetness of sex, and a heightened physical and emotional intimacy. And yet: wanting is not the same as having, and you let them all pass by you and around you, like wind whipping against your ankles. Your heart is still and safe. TC mark

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image – Noah Kalina

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  • http://teresaelectro.blogspot.com/ teresaelectro

    I love the snowglobe analogy, really sums up the heartbreak experience.

    What I don’t get is how people are so willing to get their heart crushed (or in my case treated like crap) time and time again?

    Sometimes, isn’t enough is enough? I feel like after a series of crash and burn experiences, why be such a fool (or brave enough) to do it all over again?

    I suppose people aren’t meant to be alone forever. But at the moment, it beats the alternative of extreme emotions.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

    cute..! 

  • Frankie

    sometimes you need to be broken into pieces to know that value of being whole again. this is a sad passage, yet i felt happy after reading it knowing that after all the heartaches you have been through, and despite the nagging idea of jumping into another relationship, you still end up having the little courage to stay single and brave enough to try to remodel your life and your heart.

  • SarahW

    I just had my heart broken… via skype since I’m traveling Europe. thanks for the hope. I’ve got you bookmarked.

  • Anonymous

    Well, I think there is such a “high” that people crave for, you know. Sometimes when you’re at the height of the experience, you hope this good you have right now will somehow last. Emotions are such fickle things, they change a lot in a day, in a minute. One minute you’re happy and content to be where you are, the next you curse everything when it all falls down. I think it’s the “hoping” part that everything will be better that make people throw all caution to the wind and do it all over again.

  • http://yellowicepick.wordpress.com anj

    This is so beautiful.  I love Thought catalog.  And this stands out as an oddly heartfelt and emotionally true entry.

  • douchegirl

    Good piece. I think everyone can relate at least a little bit to it. 

    I took the path of self-destruction after my break up and it was not pretty. Now that I’m a little better, I look back on that and think “How stupid. Was I really willing to destroy myself over someone else?” It’s not worth it.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Steven-Timberman/922794 Steven Timberman

    This is one hell of a manipulative piece. And yet by the end of it… I was emotionally invested. Will read this again after a few more glasses of sauvignon. 

    You definitely have a way with words.

  • http://nothingspaces.com Carina

    I liked this a lot.

    I’d like to think that I have tried to be brave again, and I’m glad that I tried.

  • http://www.facebook.com/nattusmith Natt Smith

    Kat, every once and awhile you amaze me.  Everyone can relate, everyone who say’s they can’t is probably in the midst of healing. x

  • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

    Last two paragraphs felt dead-on. Can’t wait to go home and spend hours being introspective over this. (NOT.)

  • Mr Shankly

    If I could relate to anything you were saying I’m sure I’d find this beautiful.

  • preston

    Having just recently broken up, I can certainly relate to the emotional responses you’ve described. Thanks for writing this.

  • http://profiles.google.com/mopeyprincess mopey P

    Bad self esteem. And being with someone who makes you doubt yourself and feel more insecure only leads to more bad self esteem, opening you up to partners who take advantage of that vulnerability.

    And I agree. I realized I had to stop dating for a little while because in my current state I was only attracting toxic dudes. Like, drama and emotional rollercoasters are fun when you’re 17, but they sap all your time and energy for project or career stuff.

  • fwan

    this is so painfully accurate, it hurts. thank you once again for an incredibly insightful and beautifully written piece :)

  • LC

    Thank you.

  • http://teresaelectro.blogspot.com/ teresaelectro

    It is fair to say, I’ve attracted loads of losers in my time. I wouldn’t say I have bad self-esteem, I just don’t trust people anymore. I try and I get burned.

    I used to even ask a litany of questions before going out with someone – like ‘Do you have issues with your sexuality that I don’t have the time and effort to sort our for you? Are you an asshole? Are you a secret junkie? Are you a total moocher? etc’

    Still no luck and even dated a supposed stable, nice guy who in the end messed me about as they say here in the UK. Perhaps, I’m too cynical. I just feel like in the end, maybe not on purpose, they will always disappoint me…

  • http://teresaelectro.blogspot.com/ teresaelectro

    I guess I’m just too cynical to keep up the hope charade any longer.

    My main gripe is once you get that ‘high’ and then poof they’re gone, it makes the high meaningless. 

    When I look back on the happy times, they seem tainted -full of
    lies.

    At times, I feel the urge to shout at couples that they’ll be sorry soon enough. But then, I remember my existential/nihilistic tendencies and try to do something that makes my heart feel less cold (usually hanging out with puppies, friends, or listening to music).

  • PK

    You are a terrific, relatable writer.

  • Jordan

    Finally got around to reading this, and as I continued read on and on I (unfortunately?) started to relate more and more.

    Personal feelings aside, great piece!

  • Guest

    This is amazing…I bet a lot of other girls will say the same but screams ME all over. That last paragraph. Sigh.

    As per usual, great piece Kat!!! 

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=808332177 Johanna Schweinsteiger

    there’s a saying that went something like its a matter of finding someone who can break your heart but will not do so. the kicker is when you’re absolutely sure that you’ve found that someone so you unravel your heart from its carbonite casing.. next thing you know, your heart is exploding faster than when Luke Skywalker fired a proton torpedo into a small thermal exhaust port along the Death Star’s equatorial trench. Props to Darth Vader for attempting to create another Death Star..  

  • guest

    Everything about this is absolutely perfect. Seriously, thank you for writing this.

  • jb

    this resonates so hard with me.  thanks for writing this, kat.  keep up the great work.

  • jb

    this resonates so hard with me.  thanks for writing this, kat.  keep up the great work.

  • AA

    Kat, just curious, have you ever dated a non-caucasian man?

  • Katgeorge

    Depends how you’re using the term ‘non-caucasian’–just to refer to people who are not white? or in the original meaning of the classification, which includes non-white people.?

  • Tomas

    This is totally retarded.  Stop being a moping and go drink a macchiato.

  • http://profiles.google.com/mopeyprincess mopey P

    Okay fair nuf, I can’t speak for your self-esteem. But I’m like that too! No faith in dudes whatsoever, sadly.

    But the trust thing is why I can’t date anyone for serious right now. I’m cynical, and I don’t think I’m ready to commit and get trusty or vulnerable, and it shows. I think the guys looking for That Someone To Get Super Serious With can detect my attitude (and I’ve had that conversation with 2 guy friends who have told me something along those lines).

    Anyway, I don’t have the solution. I’ve kind of always been the girl who looks like a Independent Woman achiever, but is chronically in some sort of serious relationship. So I’m trying to make it my goal to function without depending on someone else to provide half of my identity/emotional support. I think I’ll be ready to give guys more of a chance once I’m a whole person. In the meantime I plan to ummm… buy a vibe?

  • guest

    kat, i think you’re wonderful.

  • Emily

    Did a double take at ‘wanting is not the same as having’. I enjoyed it :)

  • jazzthefab

    That was just what I needed to hear

  • DE

    Loved this! Thanks

  • uhh i iz confoosed

    what?

  • Anonymous

    I read through this exactly when I needed it.
    I had a weird sort of relationship where I’d built this guy up in my head for so long before we were together that I saw him in a way that he probably never was. In a lot of ways, I was in love with a person who didn’t even exist as I thought of him. After ending our year-long relationship, I still can’t shake my attachment to him, even though I know my image of him is just a mirage.In a million and one ways he did “pick up my world and shake it like a shitty little snow globe” and I couldn’t even fathom how stupid I feel for going along with it, how blatantly he exploited my love for him, or how disappointed I am with what our relationship disintegrated into. Anyway, I really did feel this. At a point where I was too distraught for words, all your words made perfect sense.

  • http://peppervirtualassistant.com Nicole Lim

    Very nice post! It seems like it is directly talking to me. Just the things  and words I needed to hear. Thank you so much for making me feel a lot better. :)

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