New Celebrity Sandwiches

Sarah Palin: Freshly hunted deer meat and minced bear whiskers, wrapped in a photocopied transcript of the constitution with several words crossed out.

The Barack Obama: A sandwich that promises all of the ingredients you’ve been waiting for in a sandwich for years, and then when it arrives has completely different ingredients, but it’s still way better than any sandwich you’ve eaten for the last eight years.

The Paris Hilton: Sprouts, Ecstasy Pills, and Non-fat Italian Dressing.  Served on an oversized lettuce leaf instead of a bun to cut out carbs.

The Michael Cera: Peanut butter and jelly with the crusts cut off, served to you like that’s something an adult would want to eat at a restaurant.

The Jim Carey: Ham, well past its prime.  Served on any bread but rye.

The Charlie Sheen: Pudding and macaroni salad served in a banana skin.  This sandwich obviously has some serious problems, but no one will address them.  Everyone will just laugh that it’s still on the menu.

The Philip Seymour Hoffman: A double-decker reuben, to be eaten in a fit of rage.

The Lady Gaga: A McDonald’s hamburger smothered in glitter.

The Shia LaBeouf: A wildly arrogant roast beef club that nobody really seems to enjoy but for some reason keeps showing up on expensive menus.

The Kim Kardashian: A collection of any synthetic deli meats that the chef thinks someone might want to eat served on two enormous “organic” buns.

The Mark Zuckerberg: Pastrami on a stack of pictures of you from the last nine years.  Developed at a deli co-owned by his best friend, who is no longer an owner of that deli.  Mark does not want to talk about it.

The Katy Perry: Two plump chicken breasts with not a lot else going on.  Good for about another fifteen minutes.

The Justin Bieber: Veal Parmesan with bangs, served on CD or digitally.

The Tom Petty: A grilled chicken sandwich with lettuce and tomatoes that makes your dad talk about how much better sandwiches used to be when he was a kid. Back before the beef was full of hormones and Autotune.

The Ryan Reynolds: Corned beef with no added flavor, listed at the top of the menu, and forced down everyone’s throat twice a year.  Not a disagreeable sandwich, just overrated, according to popular consensus.

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