Letters to Fictional TV Characters

Feb. 16, 2011

By Ryan O'Connell info

I write and edit Thought Catalog. I'm a brat. Send me fun things at ryan@thoughtcatalog.com

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Dear Audrina Patridge from The Hills,

I know you’re not a fictional TV character, but I’m also not entirely convinced you’re real. The way your eyes fail to stare directly at another person and convey any sense of emotion is somewhat disconcerting. I think you’re operating under the false assumption that The Hills is a performance art project that will be premiering at Sundance in the near future. And all of the publicity surrounding the show is part of its elaborate premise. In fact, you’re still filming the show, aren’t you? The cameras may have left a year ago, but you believe they still may be out there somewhere filming for some “deleted scenes” so you’re always in Los Angeles sipping an iced tea staring blankly into the sun in case someone wants to capture the moment. Your family and friends don’t know when you’ll stop and just be “‘Drina” again. They miss Drina.

Confused About Your Confusion,

#1 Drina Fan TC mark

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  • http://newhandsweepstakes.com/writings/tijuana-story-by-brian-mcelmurry/ Brian McElmurry

    Liked the xanax/mush mouth part

  • deecie

    This article made my day. :)

  • http://twitter.com/BrotherBear_Ry Ryan Culliver

    Dear Audrina, real life is totally safe to go back to. I promise.

  • GIRL

    sweet

  • RamonaCC

    Carrie the smoker was so much better and less annoying than post-nicotine-patch Carrie.

  • http://twitter.com/JosephErnest Joseph Ernest Harper

    Commenting after each page.

    When I used to talk about this show with people I knew, I used to pretend I had the hots for Miranda. It was a way of giving myself a point of difference. Like, everyone liked the brunette. And I'd say, 'I dunno guys. I just really like that career woman one. Something about her. Really into it.' It was a total ruse. But then as it went on, I found my constructed attraction turned into what seemed to be a much 'realer' attraction. Now I actually like her the best. Really into her.

  • http://twitter.com/JosephErnest Joseph Ernest Harper

    Never seen this show (Gosssip Gurls). Is it like the OC? I watched the first two seasons of the OC over a week long period three years ago. Me and one of my flatmates broke into my other flatmate's bedroom while he was out of town and lay in his bed and just watched it pretty much non-stop. Was the most awesome platonic bed sharing experience of my life. We ate bagels and pretended to be Jews. So chill.

  • http://twitter.com/JosephErnest Joseph Ernest Harper

    Always thought that SBTB character seemed like she'd be a bitch in real life.

  • http://twitter.com/JosephErnest Joseph Ernest Harper

    Never watched this.

  • http://twitter.com/JosephErnest Joseph Ernest Harper

    The Hills seems like it was a societal low. Like post-The Hills things of this sort seemed to ascend into a kind of parody. Like it realised, 'fuck, this is shit.' or something.

  • BBQCHICKEN

    i honestly could not agree more with the serena vdw bit. she is so fucking vacant, i do not understand it at all. spot on.

    • Sars

      totes ! first sentence was perfect. is this the most incestuous show ever btw?!?!

  • Oedipa

    Jessie “I loved that for you” ???

    The Audrina one is legitimately creepy. Especially the part about her staring at the sun.

  • Jess

    love this…especially the one about Audrina. She has always resembled a robot to me.

  • Smack

    Let us not forget Donna being a victim of domestic abuse at the hands of her slow-jam bf Ray.

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