It’s Harder To Be The One Who Leaves

Eh.

“Because if your smart decision doesn’t work out the way you have played it out in your head a million and one times, you have no one to blame but yourself.” PREACH. 

I’m sorry, but no, having been on both sides: it’s really not. Being responsible and having no one to blame but yourself is torturous enough that it outweighs the feelings of the other person, who arguably had no control over it, or choice in the matter whatsoever? I don’t buy it. 

Is this really true though?  Do these people actually have regrets or second thoughts?

Singaporean writer! How rare! Hi fellow Singaporean!

this was so pedestrian / bland. thanks for the 1 min i will never get back, ever.

I love this! Hits the nail right on it’s head.

I REALLY want to send this to my ex (the one who left) cause it so perfectly describes him. 

It’s funny, because he has always hated the thought catalog.. mostly because it’s so often right. 

this is bullshit, except for the second paragraph.

Yes we do.

So true, I think.

Yes. I had to do this just last night. I spent most of the night crying and wondering if I did the right thing by leaving. It hurts for all parties involved.

The second paragraph is awesome and probably the one most people will relate to simply because no one like to think of the alternative, myself included. So, with that in mind, this seems like a self-sacrificing piece of bullshit. The people who leave, who have “courage” or whatever it is, don’t invoke our empathy. I get that leaving in scary, but like Tau said, you have control over the situation. It feels like this piece was written as a way to make yourself feel better or to stop second guessing your decision.  I’ve been in both situations, and the soul-crushing, torturous, stomach-wrenching feeling every single second after you’ve been left, yeah, there isn’t anything harder than that. 

Having been on both ends, it was way harder for me to walk away from an OK relationship because I knew I wanted more than this person could ever offer. It hurt so bad. and the next guy I dated did the same thing to me. Relationships are hard and painful regardless of who does the breaking up but we all bounce back to do it all again.

I already loved the piece a few paragraphs in and then you go and mention “all hail the heartbreaker” aka the theme of my forlorn heart. 

I was the blame for my last break up which was crushing. Now a few weeks later and seeing him with a new girlfriend is KILLING ME and makes me really upset, but I’m the only one to blame. I’m still hoping my “grand” plan works out which is why I initiated the break up to begin with. 

Being the one who stayed is easier not because it’s less tough to handle than leaving; it’s because you know that your sadness is justified. People empathize. But it’s harder to leave because, let’s face it, comments on this page demonstrated how little people feel for the one who leaves. It is possible to regret and be hurt even if you’re the one who left. Unless you’re a jerk who left for someone else, initiating the break isn’t pain free. You drench yourself in guilt, tolerate people’s accusing glares, feel terrible about breaking someone’s heart, and no one empathizes with you.

Sorry, correcting myself. Unless you’re a jerk, even leaving for someone else can drown you in guilt when you think about breaking the other person’s heart. This is the person you once cared about. Surely saying the words that would kill him/her hurts you too.

Thank you.

I loved this piece, but reading the comments was fun because I got to see who’d been broken up with recently!

So true. I try explaining this to people. I was a mess of regrets for a whole year after I dumped my boyfriend. And you feel like an awful person for making someone upset. Thanks for this

You should make this longer. It’s good.

damn, good

I wish I hadn’t read this, because now I’m forced to think about whether or not the boy who broke my heart (several times over) lies awake at night feeling awful about how he treated me. I honestly think he does no such thing, but even the inkling that he does makes me wonder if he wants me back. I don’t want to think about that. 

As much as it kills me to say this… but you know, all that “He’s Just Not That Into You” crap makes a good point. If you want someone bad enough, you make it happen. Otherwise it’s not worth your time. He doesn’t want me back. If he did, he would have made that happen a long time ago. I can’t keep doing this to myself. I need to get over it.

I have no sympathy for those that leave. It’s not an act of courage. It’s an act of cowardice.

The best is when you see your ex getting over you, talking to other people, becoming romantically interested… all the while you are still not over her and becoming more and more consumed by the ‘what if?’  That is when shit starts to really hurt.

That’s ridiculous to say  it’s cowardice to leave someone you don’t care about or don’t love or don’t want to spend the rest of your life with.  

I feel the same way you do 90% of the time, but I wanted to write something based on the remaining 10% that I feel. The part that no one ever says it’s ‘okay’ to feel and the part that so often goes neglected. Besides, you do realise opinions like this are largely the reason why I was inspired to write this, right? :)

You can love someone and not want to be with them. But I suppose it’s a complicated situation that unless you’ve been there, it’s difficult to wrap your head around that possibility.

I mean, but then why not just be honest about how it’s 10% of what you feel? It’s a very extreme statement to say that It’s Harder To Be The One Who Leave;  period–the end. And then to justify it by saying that the one who leaves can feel guilt, and ponder whether or not it was the right choice. And the ending just implied that there’s no going back. But why? Who’s to stop them from reconsidering, and trying to go back? It’s very likely that the One Who Stays would be hoping for a second chance, at least for a little while before recovering. 

I just think I would have had a lot more respect for this piece if it were more clearly worded as, “It’s also hard to be the one who leaves.” Because to say it’s harder sounds a little like it’s trying to come out on top in some competition of suffering, where the One Who Stays very clearly has an advantage. 

But don’t stop writing from things that inspire you. =)

I was a stayer too, once upon a time, so I completely understand how that feel. Nothing like being deserted out of the blue without any forewarning. Being blindsided always hurts, I will not deny that. This is just for those who, you know, were at the other side and feel like they have nowhere to turn to. 

Anyway I feel like it wouldn’t have as much impact if you were to justify the tiny things in writing that push people over the edge. It would just become way too technical. Just so you know, my original title was ‘Why I Disagree With Ms Niffenegger’ – because well, she wrote The Time Traveler’s Wife, which inspired by first paragraph. But of course, as with any piece of writing, the main goal is to get people to read it. This title seems more apt. People either go ‘hmm’, or ‘wait, I DISAGREE!’ or ‘I really get you!’. :)

Funny, I don’t believe in unrequited love. I also don’t think that breakups are ever as one-sided as we think. Sure, one person has to say the word, to make the decision official. But a relationship, by definition, is two-ended. If one wants out, it means there’s a global problem. It is never only “me” or “you”, it’s always some kind of “us”.

So, I don’t know if it’s harder to be the one who leaves, but it’s certainly not that different from being the one who’s left. In both cases, dreams are shattered, and hearts must heal. Someone mentioned control, but once again it’s a two-person deal. If you hurt me till it breaks my heart and I decide to leave you, I may have control over the act of leaving you, but you had control over my heart when I gave it to you in the first place.

I don’t agree that people who get dumped are blameless, or that people who walk away have only themselves to blame. If someone’s hurt you, they’re the one who drove you away. Never let anyone blame you for saving yourself and surviving.

Sometimes you want different things, things the other person can’t give you and despite how much you love them you know it won’t work. It’s the worst feeling breaking someone’s heart for a reason neither of you can solve.  It’s hard to do the right thing and takes a lot of courage but because you’re the one to leave you don’t get to play the victim and feel miserable. Our hearts are broken too and we’re left wondering if the person we just left will be the one we let get away and then we will only have ourselves to blame. 

it’s the hardest thing i’ll ever have to dooooo
to look you in the eye, and tell you i don’t loo0o0o0ve you

phlpn.es/7x9vmd

How on earth is it cowardice? Not that I consider it courage, either. It’s something that’s necessary. Are you really saying you would rather stay in a mediocre or bad relationship then end things? In a relationship where the other doesn’t love you like you love them? One where the other person doesn’t want to spend forever with you? Sometimes relationships don’t work. We have the opportunity to go out and find the one that does. Where both people are fulfilled, happy, and head-over-hells in love with each other.
You can’t look at it as being victimized. If someone left you, yes it hurts…but it also frees you up to find someone who would never want to leave you.

I’ve broken up with a few people, and while it hurt me to see them upset I knew I was doing the right thing. The relationships weren’t right, and while we could have gone on for years, probably, in our mediocre relationships they would have eventually fell apart because something was missing. They weren’t bad people, but I wasn’t happy in the relationships. I wasn’t getting what I needed or wanted. I knew if I wasn’t fulfilled by them, then there was no way I could be giving them everything they needed either.
They were upset, hurt and angry when I broke it off. For example, one cried while another ceased to acknowledge my existance. But we’ve all moved on. I’m happily married as is another one of my ex’s, I know another is in a serious relationship where I’ve never seen him so happy. Others I’ve lost track of, but I know I did the right thing because we were all able to move on and find people better suited for us.

absolutely.

SO TRUE.
i’ve always been the dumper and well, it sucks. a lot.
but i can’t ever imagine myself getting dumped because i’m sure that’ll suck more, right?

Burning a bridge is irrevocable once we’ve lit and thrown the match. 
Let’s not forget that it is not just romantic relationships, but friendships as well.

I don’t know if I agree that it’s harder, but I agree that there’s no understanding for it. You have et another reason to feel alone: no one thinks you should feel anything but A-OK… it is hard, but I don’t know that it’s harder. At least you had some control when you broke the heart. You have a million and one people to relate to if your heart is broken, but you feel powerless. And you’ve been rejected. I don’t know. It’s obviously all circumstantial.

I broke up with the man I truly love to find myself. You think it’s easy? NO. Would I stay in the relationship if I hadn’t had these issues of being “lost”? YES. It’s hard. Really hard especially when you have no choice but to break his heart for a while. In my mind and heart, I wanted to come back to him when I’m ok but he’s with someone else now. So yeah, it is hard.

Really well done Grace!

I completely disagree with this. It takes much more strength to try then to pretend it didn’t mean anything.

Everyone hurts in different places and in different ways. Just because it’s not the most common and typical of ways to hurt, doesn’t mean it should mean any less.