If You Were Born In The 90s
Note: This essay applies to mostly everyone born after, like, 1994. If you were born in 1990 or something, you still might be cool.
If you were born in the 90s, you are not real. You are placenta, a fetus, a baby who’s dependent upon someone else to live. You couldn’t possibly be allowed to buy alcohol or make statements that make sense and are actually kind of smart. Nope. Sorry, that is illegal.
If you were born in the 90s, you might’ve been too young to watch Dawson’s Creek or Buffy. It was on too late and you had to be in bed by eight, but you caught some reruns in syndication and thought it looked pretty cool. Your first introduction to TV that wasn’t Sesame Street may’ve been The OC or worse, Gossip Girl. That really sucks because Jen Lindley is way cooler than Marisa Cooper and you may never really know that.
If you were born in the 90s, you aren’t allowed to date and you must remain a virgin until 2020. Those are the rules. If anyone tries to touch you in sexy places, tell them that they are a pedophile and they’ll be going to jail immediately. Fuck, just tell them you were born in 1994. That should end things pretty quickly. Byeeee.
If you were born in the 90s, do you even know Britney Spears like I know her? Were you watching …Baby One More Time on MTV and being like, “This girl is turning my world upside down!” No, you were eating your first solid and accidentally pooping your pants. Today you probably see Britney just as this weird tragic figure instead of an amazing pop star who used to be really hot and normal until she became a girl, interrupted.
If you were born in the 90s, you may have never loved Miley Cyrus ironically. You know Frances Bean better than Kurt and Courtney, Rumer Willis better than Bruce and Demi. You understand OJ Simpson is an insane murderer but you weren’t watching the footage of him in his white Bronco fleeing the cops on TV with your parents. You never saw your dad get so engrossed and eat his dinner in front of the television being like, “This guy is fucked. Totally guilty.”
If you were born in the 90s, you probably missed the reality TV show Rich Girls that aired on MTV. It starred Tommy Hilger’s stoned retarded daughter and her fat grumpy friend, Jamie Gleicher, and jumpstarted reality TV’s obsession with rich people.
If you were born in the 90s, there’s a chance that you have never lived a life without internet or social networking, which kind of sucks. You may have always known about Myspace and text messaging and cell phones. You didn’t get a chance to not be addicted to the internet for a sec, to play outside all day and scrape your knees and just be disconnected from technology.
If you were born in the 90s, you don’t really know that America wasn’t always this obsessed with celebrities. Reality TV consisted of The Real World and paparazzi were not so insane and scary. Us Weekly was actually just Us—a legit entertainment magazine.
If you were born in the 90s, you make me feel old, which is weird because I’m not. You make me freak out about aging and being irrelevant and not getting it. I always want to get it!
If you were born in the 90s, you make up a large part of Thought Catalog’s readership and I love you, bye!
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I would rather jump around and sweat my body to a Lady Gaga song. Yoga is so overrated.
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Women want to see you in social situations, outdoors doing manly activities, on a boat holding a fish, ANYTHING that indicates you’ve got a life.