I Hate My Glasses

Nov. 21, 2011

By Brad Pike info

Brad Pike is an important historical figure.

Read more »

I spend my life wandering through a blurry dream world, one made of vague ambiguous shapes, some moving, some standing still, some making noises, some that lick my face, some that don’t. Trees are blurry green shapes. People are the ones that talk at me. Cats are the small furry ones — sometimes rats. My environment is an indistinct cloud I float through like a balloon, a muddled impressionist painting by an untalented artist. Why do I live this way? Because I never wear glasses, and I need glasses to see.

When people wave at me from far away, I never wave back — not because I’m rude, but because I can’t tell if they’re making eye contact with me. Pupils are tiny and their angle is difficult to identify. Instead, I squint intensely in an expression frequently mistaken for a glare, focused on discerning the identity of this distant grayish blue blob. When the blob seems to exhibit signs of discomfort or awkwardness, I hazard a tentative wave, which is greeted with a half-smile and a quick departure in the opposite direction. Do they think I didn’t want to say hi? Or that they weren’t important enough for me to remember? Has my unaided eyesight cost me a friend? Not important. Interactions like these are all normal, and okay, and acceptable, and not at all cause for concern because, you know, it’s fine.

Standing in line at fast food restaurants, I frequently turn to my friend and say, “I can’t read.” He says, “They have special classes at the community college.” I say, “Please read me the menu up there.” He says, “It’s Wendy’s. They have burgers, frosties, fries — the menu’s exactly the same as it’s always been.” I say, “But they might have a special limited edition entrée I don’t know about.” He says, “Why don’t you wear your glasses?” I say, “Because they make my face look weird.” I can tell by his expression that what I’ve said is so unfathomably dumb, he can’t bear to formulate a rebuttal. Sometimes I ask the person at the counter to read me the menu: “List me your foods. All of them.”

Once, while sitting in a friend’s living room, I spotted a black silhouette rush past the window across from me. A few moments later, I saw it zoom past again. After seeing it a third time, I stood up, pointed at the window, and declared, “Justin, there’s something going on out there!” He said, “What?” I said, “Suspicious activities transpiring by your driveway. Someone in a black coat keeps running past the window.” He watched the window, and suddenly the figure passed by again. Then he turned to me. “Brad, that’s a garbage bag.”

The only time I wear my glasses — uncool silver framed ones from when I was fifteen — is when I’m driving a car because A) I’m legally obligated and B) if you see me driving without my glasses, it’s the last time you’ll ever see me alive. One day, I’ll just invest in a prescription windshield, but until then, I have this sense that I drive around in Nerd Mode. Nerd Mode is like a turbo jet fueled version of my normal nerdiness. Maybe I’ll turn to the passenger and, apropos of nothing, begin recounting the last ten issues of X-Men Legacy or maybe I’ll discuss the factors that led to the Butlerian Jihad in the prequel novels to Dune. Maybe I’ll describe my idea for a sequel to Serenity. It feels more natural when I’m wearing glasses.

I don’t like the way glasses encase and partition my facial features until I’m unrecognizable to myself — it’s the same feeling Native Americans must have had when settlers began dividing up the landscape with fences. I’m not myself anymore. I’m myself with glasses. And I don’t believe in augmenting myself to compensate for physical flaws because that only ends in, you know, cyborgs. I feel my face has sustained this general configuration of eyes, nose, and mouth for this long, and I don’t like the idea of adding another feature that could potentially throw the tableau further into chaos. Also, I can’t afford super cool kid glasses right now.

I know what you’re thinking. ‘Brad, you’re an idiot.’ Then, ‘Why don’t you just get contacts.’ I can’t get contacts because my eyes are fragile sensitive newborn kittens, and any poking/ prodding causes acute pain and uncontrollable crying. Once, I visited the eye doctor to see if maybe I could get some contacts, but when the eye doctor loomed toward me, grabbed my face, and attempted to thrust a contact lens onto my helpless eyeball, I began hyperventilating like a small child. The doctor said, “What’s he doing?” and my mom said, “He’s hyperventilating.” The doctor looked at me, still shaking and crying. “Huh. This has never happened before.” Maybe that wouldn’t happen now that I’m older, but it would.

At this point, I’m used to it. It’s like the way some HD televisions look too sharp and clear to be natural, so you just keep watching the old Magnavox. I’m used to the hazy indistinct world I live in — being unable to distinguish individual leaves on a tree, stealthily scooting my desk right up next to the chalkboard, stumbling through karaoke because the teleprompter’s too far away — so I feel (irrationally) comfortable continuing with a life of poor vision for the foreseeable future. Still, I occasionally have a flash of insight in which I realize my vision’s slowly steadily declining until the day I go blind in a cornfield, wander aimlessly for days, and then die of thirst in a neighborhood cul-de-sac. TC mark

You should follow Thought Catalog on Twitter here.

image – Lazlo NagyHU

Tagged , , , , , , ,

Bookmark and Share

60 Comments

Add Yours »

Cataloged in

Text Size:

A | A | A

  • http://www.facebook.com/grc15r Gregory Costa

    All I can say is that I make passes at people who wear glasses…and I know that’s enough of a reason for you to quit being a hater…keep ‘em on. 

  • guest

    #whitewhine

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1690980049 Uchenna Anyiam

    I love my glasses 

  • Diana

    im not even kidding, you seriously just described me. the squint, the trip to the contacts, the driving.

  • guest
  • Random

    dude… wear your glasses. maybe get new ones that you actually like. or suck it up and wear contacts.  

  • http://twitter.com/eltigrillo Daniel Alvarenga

    I totally do all of this. I can’t get contacts because I have a permanent lazy eye. You know who your real friends are if they read you the menu, not many people will do this.

  • Addybites

    I wear contacts but periodically when I don’t I LOVE my glasses they’re such a fashion statement. I mean you really shouldn’t be wearing the same glasses from when you were fifteen ANYWAY so you probably need to go get a new pair.. They actually have many, many, interesting & good looking frames this turn of the century… Try it out! 

  • Ian

    You’re a moron.

  • samantha

    yes, yes, yes! my reasons for not wearing glasses are the same as your reasons. things have more ‘depth’ when they’re blurry, and I don’t need to see your pores anyways. who needs vision.

  • samantha

    however, not being able to identify people really does suck. I’m probably thought of as a squinty asshole who doesn’t say hi.

  • http://twitter.com/faheimm Marina Faheim

    you’d never go thirsty in this cul de sac – http://cougartown.wikia.com/wiki/The_Cul-de-Sac_Crew

  • Mary

    I will buy you some cool kid glasses! 

  • Rishtopher

    Even after reading your article, I still don’t “get” this behaviour… I have two friends are are exactly the same. They go through the squinting and glaring at friends, the difficulty in reading menus, etc. It’s not even that they’re in “nerd mode” with their glasses on though, they both love the way their glasses look on them, but for some odd reason, they just hate wearing them. 

    What’s the deal if you like the way they look? I love my glasses and mine are very comfortable. Why would you get glasses you didn’t like though? Is it that your lenses are too thick to choose ones that look better on you? I have a friend in that situation as well.

  • Alex

    Um, the part about the fast food restaurant made me laugh so hard. I hate my glasses too, but I’m much less blind than you apparently are, so it’s not as disastrous when I don’t wear them.

  • http://www.facebook.com/t.jason.ham Jason Ham

    It’s like the way some HD televisions look too sharp and clear to be natural, so you just keep watching the old Magnavox. 

    I feel like you just made up this sentiment to justify how you feel about you *with glasses*. Hahah.

    I just think you haven’t found the right frames and don’t want to shell out big bucks for something you’ll hate… I got my latest pair of glasses for $162 (a steal for someone with a -15.00 sph and major astigmatism) and although I LOVE them now, committing to a new pair was easier because I didn’t feel the pain in my wallet.

    I grew up with glasses though. I have contacts but never wear them because when I look at myself in the mirror it isn’t anyone I recognize. It’s sort of depressing to not know who you are anymore… but it’s not as bad as being BLIND, Brad.

  • http://www.facebook.com/harrie.dacumos Harriette Castillo Dacumos

    I think your problems are completely unnecessary. Just wear the damn glasses.

  • best guest

    All glasses are sexy. 

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1058603815 Nightmariel Wade

    OH MY GOD… this is my life to a t. i’ve found my people!

  • Sam

    You lead an absurd life. I’m sure you get this everyday, but grow some balls and fix your dilemma.

  • ab

    i’m not sure if ‘prescription windshield’ is the dumbest potential modification to a car i’ve ever heard of or the best.

  • Anonymous

    phlpn.es/7x9vmd

  • samantha

    haters gon’ hate. 

    p.s. glasses are stupid.

  • http://vista-cruiser.tumblr.com jack

    I

    UNDERSTAND

    COMPLETELY

    AND

    AM GLAD

    I

    CAN

    RELATE

    WITH

    SOMEONE

    ELSE

  • J0persha

    could you maybe experiment and wear your glasses for a day, or a week, and find out if beeing able to see everything clearly adequately compensates for increased feelings of nerdiness and unsettling facial partitioning?

    And seriously? you don’t believe in augmenting yourself to compensate for physical flaws? I can understand of you’re thinking about augmentation of appearance, but may I ask how far you would take that? Would you refuse cataract surgery, a mechanical heart valve, an artifical limb? Yes they are extreme examples but the same reasoning applies.

  • http://www.facebook.com/brad.pike Brad Pike

    I would refuse all of those things, yes. I would rather die than become A MACHINE.

  • http://www.facebook.com/brad.pike Brad Pike

    I

    AM

    GLAD

    TOO!

  • http://www.facebook.com/brad.pike Brad Pike

    No.

  • http://www.facebook.com/brad.pike Brad Pike

    What did nearsighted cavemen do before glasses were invented? They just went about their business.  I am exactly the same as a caveman.

  • Nick

    Just get trendy black rimmed emo glasses. They seriously look good everyone. That’s why everyone has them.

  • http://www.facebook.com/brad.pike Brad Pike

    It’s okay. How often do you need to identify people from far away anyway?

  • http://www.facebook.com/brad.pike Brad Pike

    I know.

  • http://www.facebook.com/brad.pike Brad Pike

    SHIIIIIT WHERE ARE MY GLASSES GET THEM ON MY FACE

  • Anon

    they died cuz they couldn’t see the death coming.

  • http://www.facebook.com/brad.pike Brad Pike

    No.

  • http://www.facebook.com/brad.pike Brad Pike

    Oh shit, I didn’t consider the caveman’s natural predator: The Death.

  • http://www.facebook.com/brad.pike Brad Pike

    No.

  • http://www.facebook.com/brad.pike Brad Pike

    #whitewine and then #whitewhine.

  • Prelude Josh

    Dude you have issues. Fix your problem, no one likes to hear people complain. Why would you even write this article? Also, reading your responses, you are being really rude to the people that actually are concerned with you and your life. Show some class. I actually like to read motivational articles or informative articles. Please write something inspirational. Not this, this is just crap.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Bridget-Gorchels/1373613140 Bridget Gorchels

    You’re adorable. 

  • Quixim

    What about shoes? They augument your feet by letting you walk on things without cutting them. Or clothes, because they keep you from freezing in cold weather

  • Quixim

    Do you even have a job?

  • Amanda

    Lazer eye surgery or does this pose the same issues with contacts?

  • http://twitter.com/niceflying Emma

    Aww babe just wear them. If you look angry because you hate them so much you’ll do this weird transcension thing and level up to hipster instead of nerd! I don’t know if that’s better.

  • Ccc

    today on emotionally stunted adult children I CAN’T TALK TO THE PERSON WHO KNOWS ME BEST

    PLEASE DON’T GIVE ME A HICKEY

    I HATE MY GLASSES

  • lalala

    i know somebody who hates glasses, same reasons as yours so i understand. How bad is your sight anyways? Im 525 – 500 so i really have no choice. lol i remember wearing contact the first time and i cried (not because of the eye poking) but i finally got to see without the blindspot given by eyeglasses!  try laser treatment!    

  • lalala

    and you might want to watch this and lets see if you still want blurry vision http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W9THZaZoIDk

  • Guest

    Dude, when will you realise that squinting is seriously unattractive? Way less attractive than wearing glasses. Also squinting gives you wrinkles.

    “Oh check out that hot guy over there screwing up his face like a pug…” Sexy.

  • Izzy

    this is hilarious. And all too true. 

  • Oliver Miller

    MARRY ME BRAD PIKE.

  • Keltydennis

    Why do you think wrinkles aren’t sexy?

  • Keltydennis

    I would like to hear your idea for the Serenity sequel, please.

  • http://www.valleyoptics.co.uk/ Peter Mason

    A certainly different view into glasses, I know someone who needs glasses and tries not to wear them but then is always late anywhere as they can never read signs to get places…

  • grace

    This was my life from age 8-14. But boys always look good in glasses. My boyfriend won’t wear his either (although his eyesight is not as terrible); he tells me he lost them but I know they’re somewhere in his shithole of an apartment….

  • http://twitter.com/SHOOTNEE courtney lim

    it feels like i could punch you and not feel bad, because the glasses wouldn’t awkwardly poke you in the eye.

    bonus…?

  • samanthaphoebe

    Hahahaha…seriously? I did this when I was like, 8 or 9. Then I got over it, because having friends and keeping myself from being raped or robbed or hit by a car is more important than messing up the geography of my face. And are you really going to compare wearing glasses to the shit that happened to Native Americans? Come on.

  • Vasiliki Lampris

    hey,brad. seriously. Grow up and Put some glasses on,or contacts or get a laser treatment or whatever!
    You cant see a damn thing! 

  • guest

    Ok, wrinkles can be sexy, but squinting is just not. No way.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=612817462 Josh Baer

     bollocks. if you could get robot limbs that would move you around without you ever getting tired or feeling like youve even left a couch… with super hero strength and the ability to punch a grizly bear to death… you’re telling me you would rather NOT become a cyborg…

  • Jonathan_bazinet

    love this article its my life ! im 18

Recently Cataloged

  • 8 Songs That Will Put You To Sleep Faster Than An Ambien

    The Sea And Cake is a shockingly dull band. All the band members must’ve gotten together and been like, “We want to make music that renders people unconscious. How do we do that?”

    By Ryan O'Connell info

    Ryan O’Connell is a 25 year-old writer based in the East Village, New York.

    Read more »

  • LSAT For Disillusioned Paralegals

    No one likes to work with little recognition and low pay. However, many people prefer to be employed rather than unemployed. Sometimes, worker dissatisfaction fosters bitter resentment, resulting in absenteeism. Recently, Rebecca has been feeling bitter and depressed, however, she is still employed.

    By Rebecca Tapscott info

    Rebecca lives and writes in Boston.

    Read more »

  • An Open Letter To Ina Garten

    I would also like to state that I painstakingly took the time to test out your coconut cupcake and cream cheese frosting boxed mix, and just have to wonder: is it ever inadequate? Like, ever? Because I must have had five and they all tasted like I went and had an orgasm in heaven.

    By Ella Ceron info

    Ella Ceron was born in Los Angeles, California and now lives in So-Far-West-It-Might-as-Well-Be-Jersey Manhattan.

    Read more »

  • Tell Me Something About Yourself

    And are you doing something later? Or are you doing nothing? And is the idea of you doing nothing hilarious because you usually do a lot of things, which gives you the confidence to winkingly let people know about this exception? I think that’s cool.

    By Laura Jayne Martin info

    Laura lives and writes in NYC.

    Read more »