I Dated My Best Friend (A Cautionary Tale)

Jun. 22, 2011

By Kat George info

#jayzisgreek

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Have you ever been broken? It’s irrelevant what breaks you—when you’re that crippled by your own absolute misery everything bleeds together anyway. A gulf forms, splitting distance between your body and the reality around it. The ground beneath you (that once felt so firm) is eroding in a rapid succession of violent landslides until you yourself are sliding into the void, picking up speed and rubble on your way down.

I’ve felt this way before. I was crazy with it—out of control, lost and frustrated. I’d been shot through the heart and it was a melodramatic, self-indulgent moment but it was mine. I cried and I drank for months. I vomited up my tears and the drink and all the stupid pills that I thought would make it easier. It was all the same though—being fucked or not fucked—the pain was consistent.

But he was there. He was there to hold back my hair as I lurched into the porcelain, to embrace my convulsing form on the bathroom floor as I sobbed wildly and to tenderly wipe away my tears with the gentle tips of his fingers. He was the one answering the phone at 3am when I’d wake, panicked, breathing in a dangerous staccato, needing to hear a voice, any voice, tell me it was going to be OK.

He was the one who would stay the night when I was too scared to turn out the lights. He was the one who listened to my fears, my regrets and my longings. Everyday he was there—in the mornings when I woke up, in my lunch breaks and work, and in the evenings before I went to bed. And I was everything to him that he was to me—his confidant, his savior, his best friend. We were completely intertwined in each other’s lives—from the everyday mundanities to our inner clockworks—the only thing we didn’t share was sex. That was until the night we kissed.

It was hot, summer—we were visiting his hometown and he threw a party at his family home. The night was a blur of dancing, skinny-dipping, alcohol and drugs. But we were more intoxicated by the way we loved each other. We laughed so much that night, and in a movie perfect moment, sitting on the arm of the couch in his living room, we both fell back, the nape of my neck resting on his upper arm, our noses almost touching. It took a moment as we smiled into each other’s eyes—and then our mouths met somewhere in the middle.

I discounted it the next day. It was the alcohol, I’d say. It was the drugs, I’d say. It was how terribly I love you, an expression of sheer lunatic affection, I’d say. And every time it happened and every day after when I’d make my excuses he’d have the same expression on his face. I passed off his outward acceptance as honesty, but I always knew better.

I was so desperate not to lose him then. And I did love him. Wildly and passionately, as one loves a best friend—but never as one loves a lover. So when he gave me an ultimatum—be my girlfriend or be nothing more—what could I do? I fell into his arms with a sense of foreboding, but I kept talking myself out of it. He’s my bestfriend, I’d think, we spend every moment together anyway, and I love him more than any other boy in the world. What could possibly go wrong?

Over the course of the next 8 months I found the answer to my ominous musings—everything. Everything that could go wrong, did go wrong, and in the most awful, heartbreaking way. We were riddled with insecurities. We couldn’t let go of each other’s pasts—we knew too much.

Had it been years? Yes, years—it had been years and years of listening. Our darkest thoughts. Our deepest romances. There were things we had stubbornly committed to memory that had no place in a blossoming relationship. And so we’d fight. We’d scream and we’d cry. And every day we chipped a little bit of love from the mettle of our friendship and threw it on the scrap heap.

He grew to resent me, and I him. We tormented each other, unable to bridge our idyllic friendship into this new romance. But what of romance? There was none. We went from nothing to everything—there was no courting, no nervous glances, no will or wont he text me? From the outset it was the same as it had always been—videogames, pizza in our underwear, can you please sleep in the spare bedroom because your snoring is annoying me?

With no discovery, and nowhere to go, we became trapped in the past. There was no present for us, and we turned violent in rebellion. We broke up on a beach in Greece—we cried and held each other in the perfect sunshine for hours. We swam out into the warm ocean and cried in the crystal blue. We cried with relief. We’d wanted so badly for our relationship to work we had almost completely ignored the fact that it quite simply, was not.

And now? We don’t speak. I haven’t spoken to my best friend in months, aside for him to abuse me childish taunts that border on unnecessarily cruel. I’ve fucked up in a million ways, cut him in more ways than I’d have liked to—and he’s done the same to me. Yet I miss him immensely. I want to know if he’s doing OK. I want to know what’s up? I want to know if we can find a way to erase the past year, because none of it—not one second of that goddamned bullshit—was worth losing my best friend over. TC mark

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image – Dawson’s Creek – The Complete First Season

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  • newbornrodeo

    Didn’t even read this. Just waiting for the “I hate Kat George” comment from some girl.

  • Stevie Nix

    Thank you for writing this. I went through the same thing with my best friend (quasi) recently, right down to it all starting with a drunken kiss. Except when he gave me the exact same ultimatum that you received, I told him I couldn’t bare the thought of breaking his heart one day after we dated, so I lost him (I really didn’t think he’d leave).

    I haven’t heard from him since September and I still miss him more than words (how can I not? We were best friends all through high school, we chose to go to university together, etc, etc, etc…). For the past nine months I’ve been second-guessing my choice – wondering if it would’ve been better to take a shot at a relationship with him (even though deep down I knew it wouldn’t have been), so thank you for writing this – for showing me what could’ve happened (same result – only magnified, and much more drawn out).

    I hope you guys find a way to erase the past year – to get your friendship back. I’ve got my fingers crossed for you.

  • christine

    this was beautiful in an eerily familiar way. thank you for writing this.

  • B.Z.

    awkward sentence structures, too flowery

  • http://twitter.com/Chrys0poeia Nick Beith

    I’m sorry you had to go through this. I really enjoyed this article. I’m just glad I went through the same thing in reverse.

  • http://maxwellchance.wordpress.com Duke Holland of Gishmale

    I’m an advocate that lovers should NEVER have or will be friends. 

  • Lost

    I’m in the middle of that right now… stuck in a limbo…. not wanting to let go of someone who is obviously just my friend…. here i thought i was the only one…

  • jenna

    I absolutely loved this. Relatable and written beautifully.

  • Rachel Butters Scotch

    This is pretty beautiful.

    Alternatively, I’m dating my best friend and things are going pretty well. We expected that things would be the same, just with more fucking.  An odd sort of comfort, but it’s working.

  • Jordan

    Very good, you’re on a roll.

  • bubble

    I feel the exact same way. I went through the same thing, then lost all my friends too. Was it worth it? I’d say no, but with each layer of physicality, our emotions delved deeper and we eventually spun out of control. Then the jealousy and resentment set in… I didn’t think I loved him “like that”, but there was a brief time where we were truly “in love” and I was “happy”. 

    It ended terribly, he treated me horribly. I tried to walk away with my head held high, but he was slandering me and has been ever since. I hate him, what he’s become. He became a stranger. I know it makes no sense to be together again, but I miss and love him with every dark corner of my being. It’s been nearly a year and I’m still not okay. Everyone says he wasn’t good enough for me, and it’s true… but he left my heart in pieces.

    Unfortunately, there is no such thing as a straight guy being a girl’s “best friend”. Attraction and the hope of “more”, is always the underlying motivation. 

  • A Fan

    I’m so in love with my best friend right now, and it’s killing me that I can’t have him. Then I read this, and I’m like, “Well, maybe it’s for the best then.” But I still can’t help but obsess and wonder.

    This was beautiful Kat. Thanks for sharing.

  • rocktopus

    I’ve been dating my best friend for the past four years. It’s been pretty amazing. We do the same things we used to do, but cuddle and have sex now too. We do couple things and friend things, and it’s pretty cool to have it all in one package. 

  • guest

    because of your comment  the author will now go back and completely rewrite the article and publish it again all just for you. Thanks.

  • Crosis101

    Can we have this as a corralary to ‘girls only date assholes’? Here’s what the cullmination of all the nice buy fantasies is. It blows up in your face when you start nailing your best friend.

  • average girl

    I’ve also dated my best friend at an ultimatum. 
    It ended.. more than just badly.Nothing hurts more than when the person who once thought the world of you thinks the worst of you.
    Thank you for the beautiful words.

  • silence TC snobs

    okay can people NOW shut up about how “thought catalog used to be this” and “thought catalog used to be that?” because this rocked :D

  • coffeeandinternets

    Wait, wait. You’re saying I am not the only one to have this same exact experience?

    This is just like the time I tried to name my band Animal Collective. Uniqueness is a sham.

  • B.Z.

    Don’t be sarcastic.

  • Mr Shankly

    Genuinely lovely article. Makes me wish I had a best friend. Man.

  • Breda Kristin

    This is scary how your story mirrors my life. I dated my first and only real boy friend for 3 years officially and was still very much in his life the past year. Many episodes later..it seems he’s either changed a great deal or doesn’t know what he wants at the young age of 21. Like you though, I am beginning to miss his presence in my life immensely..I even do things on my own that I would normally do with him..like go to our favorite restaurant in his town or watch golf just because he got me into it. I guess love never makes sense !

  • Anonymous

    I mean, you can be bros after a breakup.  Works way better than the other way around.  I like to just bang people when I meet them and then date them and THEN be friends.  So shit’s all positive.  

  • bubble

    be careful……… and enjoy every moment.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=579840207 Jamie Waterhouse

    This is beautiful, Kat. <3

  • http://twitter.com/hellllnawww annisah

    beautiful article. I guess hooking up with your best friend can go two ways- amazing or tragic. My best friend and I hooked up 10 years ago and we are still together. here’s hoping that one day both of you guys can be friends again.

  • the bitch is back

    I have to wonder..if you date your best friend and it goes badly, were you ever truly best friends in the first place? or maybe just “best friends” out of convenience..even a “good” friendship can be more out of convenience rather than true compatibility..

  • The Bitch

    So, the two best friends in the article seem to have only two things in common: drugs and crying. I WONDER WHY IT DIDN’T WORK OUT!! …-_-

  • Anonymous

    madeshopping.net

  • kaylee

    aptly named

  • Guest

    Listen.  It was hard, but Dawson and Joey became friends again in the end and you guys can too.

  • superted

    wow. really?

  • batman

    you da man

  • http://www.facebook.com/TomSmizzle Tom Smith

    Don’t be a dick.

  • Anonymous

    ta.gg/4vh

  • B.Z.

    Oh look it’s the politeness police. Thanks for your input, Tom.

  • B.Z.

    Thanks Ted.

  • 8graces

    I feel you. I’ve taken in every word and emotion, and I’m feeling it right now, in my own way, my own situation. I had always wanted to fall in love with my best friend. And then i did…and now I’m left lost. But, as much as I hurt over the understanding, you’ve also left me with a sense of hope, that as time goes on, this thing will little by little get better. You’re wonderful to me for writing this.

  • Sauvage

    this brings back a lot, thank you for making me realize its ok to miss them

  • Jeannette Baxter

    A similar thing happened to me, except i stopped it before we even officially got together because I knew it wasn’t right. I know I broke her heart, and I felt like the worst person in the world, but in the end i knew it was the right thing to do for both of us. We haven’t seen each other in person, but we have emailed, and I think things will be ok. It will never be the same, but at least we are making progress.

  • http://www.facebook.com/earthtonichole EarthToNichole

    Currently in this situation. Except for I cared too much, he didn’t… Is there anything you’ve found that makes you feel any better about things? I would prefer to be at a point where I’m not depressed enough to ask strangers for advice on the internet.

  • DE

    Wow, this gave me chills.

  • cady

    thank you for scaring me out of (momentarily, at least) my best-friends-turns-romance fantasy…i should probably re-read this daily

  • Jamesn02714

    I have felt what you just described. I loves her from the start. We became closer than she was to he best girlfriends. I was the person she trusted, the one she told every single problem to. She was someone I talked to when I felt alone. My parents marriage was failing. My brother was out all the time. My friends had turned into potheads. I was alone save her. And she was enough. All I needed. Eventually she developed feelings for me. Drnk of pure joy I rushed us into a relationship without thinking of the consequences. We dated for 2 short months. And not even half of that time was something enjoyable. We knew it wasn’t working, but we didn’t let go until it was too late. We broke up a week and a half ago. We promised we would remain friends. But it never works out like that. Things between us were awkward and we could not share our feelings anymore. It is like hell. I am once again alone in this world. Only now I feel the burden of a lost friend.

  • lucydee

    Kat this is amazing! I just stumbled across your articles on this site and they are fantastic – your writing is improving year on year!

    This post made my heart ache for your past year, but you are a babe and a courageous one to share this.

    I look forward to reading more.

    Lucy Dee, in your hometown

  • Margaret Thatcher

    Not all best friends should be together.

  • Tanya-koch

    Sure wish I would have read this three months ago…..now I’m in the same shoe’s and devastated.

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