1. Slice Wonder bread into elegant wedges.
2. Layer in bowl with delicate spoonfuls of Nutella.
3. Drizzle with old coffee from that cup you got at the bodega and forgot about.
1. Open jar of Ragu.
2. Mix in Tostitos salsa (medium) for spiciness.
3. Chill using your icy, cynical New York heart. Eat.
VEGETARIAN FEAST: A CATEGORY 5 IN TASTINESS
1. Dump black beans, pinto beans, kidney beans into bowl.
PEANUT BUTTER TWINKIE SANDWICH
1. Slice Twinkie length-wise, taking care not to disrupt cream filling.
2. Spread both Twinkie halves with Skippy peanut butter. Re-seal Twinkie. This is a portable treat! Put one in your purse for work.
GIRLS JUST WANT TO HAVE FONDUE
1. Melt huge, gross brick of Velveeta (why did you buy that what were you thinking etc.)
2. Add can of Genessee Cream Ale for flavor.
3. Serve with Ritz crackers. Use those Catholic saint candles you bought in case of a power outage to keep the fondue warm!
TUNA TARTARE SORT OF
1. Open can of tuna. Yay!
RAMEN NOODLE PAELLA
1. Cook all 23 pouches of ramen noodles in large pot of water.
2. Drain. Add 2 jars of Newman’s Own salsa and can of Key Foods three-bean salad.
3. Pour in remaining ¼ bottle of Yellow Tail chardonnay.
3. Use flashlight handle to stir constantly over low heat. Serves 30.
CHICKEN WITH WILD RICE AND APPLE STUFFING
1. Cook all 6 boxes of Rice-a-Roni. Forgo the little seasoning packets and shake whatever spices you damn well please into it. Wild!
2. Add spoonfuls of applesauce as needed.
3. Dump can of canned chicken onto plate. Serve with Apple-Spice-a-roni.
THE DESSERT SO GOOD THE MTA SHOULD SHUT IT DOWN
1. Open bag of Trader Joe’s dark chocolate covered pretzel crisps.
2. You’re welcome.
BEEF KABOBS WITH ASIAN SLAW
1. Slice beef jerky into inch-long chunks. Spear chunks with toothpick.
2. Mince canned water chestnuts and baby corn. Baby corn is awesome, rendering your dish automatically delicious.
RECEDING STORM SURGE SOUP
1. Put bouillon cube in mouth and wash down with V-8.
“IRENE SO FAR AWAY” COCKTAIL
1. Mix Juicy Juice juice box or Gatorade (the blue one) with Smirnoff.
GO-BAG SNACK CORNUCOPIA
1. Locate your go-bag that you had packed, in case of emergency. Remove corkscrew, nail polish and other essentials you may have placed in it.
2. Fill with whatever’s left! Entenmanns donuts, Handi-snacks, Chex mix, raisins, Funyuns, Blow Pops, Dentyne gum, candy necklaces, tequila, Parliaments.
3. Fan artfully. Make a still-life painting.
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The best thing about being a young adult right now is that you, more than any previous generation, have the freedom and the resources to create your own religion. So, let’s get started.
The apartment you lived in your first year out of school, the walk-up with a view of the street.
I wanted to quit my job. I hated my boss.
His eyes widened, he became angry, and backed off of me. I told him he could leave now. Now. He said “With you being a good Christian girl, and me studying to be a priest, I think it’s important we not tell anyone what we did.”