How To Have A Shopping Addiction
Develop a “passion for fashion!” Or just be a dedicated consumer who fills the void with buying tons of crap they don’t need. Suffer from multiple identity crises. Want to dress like a hippie freak one day and a glamazon the next. Build an insane wardrobe to accommodate your schizophrenic needs.
Go to your dealer otherwise known as the bank and apply for a credit card. The teller looks up your account information though and literally LOL’s in your face. “I’m sorry but you’re not a desirable candidate for a credit card. Now please remove yourself from the premises. Love, The Bank.” Steal your parents’ credit card instead.
Decide that you need a tunic. No, you need ten tunics. It’s what’s missing from your closet. How did you go through your life without owning an awkward t-shirt/dress hybrid? You’re not sure but it ends today, dammit!
Go to the mall, breathe in the recycled air, and bask in the fluorescent lighting. Smell the familiar scent of Hot Dog On A Stick, watch the families of ten waddle by, and realize you’re home. Excitedly walk into a department store and feel like you need to take a shit or vomit. You have the urge to release something from your body, but you won’t because, ew, that would be gross! Make a beeline for those disgusting tunics in the Free People section and instinctively clutch on to one. At last! Reunited and it feels so good! Buying a tunic is what’s going to finally complete your wardrobe. After this purchase, you’ll be done. Your closet will be a well-rounded work of art with an outfit for every occasion. Realize that this tunic has been the missing piece in your life puzzle. Every day, you wake up feeling oddly empty and sad. After seeing this beautiful garment, however, you know the emptiness will disappear. Dig your nails into your skin and whimper, “It has to disappear!”
This is when things get hazy. Experience a unique phenomenon called “Blackout shopping” in which you have a temporary loss of memory and your subconscious takes over. Spend twenty minutes going through each rack and picking out clothes. With every new piece of clothing you pick out, you become more powerful and glamorous. Happiness is just at the other end of the checkout. Imagine how you’ll feel carrying all of these shopping bags out of here.
When you blackout shop, you’re obviously not aware of what you’re doing. The real you is buried deep inside screaming, “Bitch, step away from that beret!” Sales people love it when people blackout shop. They recognize the dead look in your eyes and make a point to be extra helpful. They’re major enablers. If this were an episode of Intervention, they’d be sent to their own rehab.
Walk away from the store and come to holding six shopping bags, one of which inexplicably holds three berets and four of the same tunics in different colors. Feel pangs of remorse but shove them further down. Go home and don’t even try the clothes on. Shove them in a corner of your closet and feel a sense of accomplishment. Happy tunic happy beret.
Your parents discover how much money you’ve been spending and ask if you have a drug problem. “No, Dad. I have a funky accessories problem.” Get the credit card taken away and go to therapy. No longer set foot in the mall. Stay away from triggers such as eating lunch in an expensive restaurant next to a lot of rich people, or surfing Gilt and eBay. Try to find happiness outside of buying things. Realize you might have to leave America in order to do so.
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The way I see it, every object you own is connected to you by a string like the house in ‘Up,’ and each string is tied to a fishhook embedded in your abdomen.
That’s right. I also drive a Ford Aerostar with no windows. It’s practical.
6. Get Blackout
I’ll rest there for as long as you’ll let me, for as long as I can.