How To Avoid Having Panic Attacks On The Subway

a month ago i woke up and showered and got a large coffee at the deli on the way to the subway, which i don’t usually do but i felt like i needed a boost that morning because i was a little hungover. then i drank all the coffee on the platform and threw the cup out, then i got on the subway and it was really packed and i held onto a pole and listened to the new Gunplay mixtape. so you know what Gunplay is like, here’s pictures of him snorting cocaine and eating what looks like Halal cart food in a nice house:

then, out of nowhere, i started feeling really intense feelings that i couldn’t control, like more and more and more nervous and scared and i wanted to get off the subway so much but i couldn’t obviously because it was moving. then my legs started shaking and i was sweating and i could only see straight in front of me it felt like the universe was collapsing in my mind, and i was hyperventilating and i slid my headphones down to my neck and gently touched the arm of this middle-aged woman next to me who was also holding onto the pole. it felt like i couldn’t control my thoughts and they were spiraling towards a point where my mind would snap and/or i would actually die

so the woman whose arm i touched took one of her ipod earbuds out and suspiciously said “is everything okay?” like i think she thought i was like trying to get money from her or gonna bomb the train or something because i was nervous and sweaty and i look a little middle-eastern, and my hand was trembling, and i said to her “i don’t know what’s happening to me, i’m really sorry, i’m terrified, i don’t know why, can you talk to me please? just for like thirty seconds?”

and then she looked at me for a second in confusion, then obliged and started talking to me about something i don’t remember now and couldn’t really focus on, like her office or something, and then after she talked for like ten seconds the intense feelings of terror receded back into the dark part of my mind that they sprang from and i felt mostly relieved but also scared that they would come back and my mind would be permanently bent into a crazy shape. my legs stopped shaking and i thanked the woman for talking to me when she finished her thought and i put my headphones back on, and she put hers back in and then i waved bye to her as she got off at the next stop but she didn’t wave back :( sorry woman

so i got out of the subway at my stop and called elizabeth and told her what happened. i told her that i didn’t know what it was but i was afraid that it was gonna happen again, and she told me that i had probably just had a panic attack and i was gonna be okay. she checked it out on WebMD while we were on the phone and WebMD confirmed her diagnosis. then i went into work and thought i was gonna have another panic attack at my desk so i hid in the bathroom, on the toilet, where i promptly had another panic attack while i was reading the wikipedia page for panic attacks, which includes this nifty graphic for what to do if someone you are with is having a panic attack:

then i had another one while i was walking to get my lunch! i noticed that worrying about having another panic attack seemed to induce panic attacks so it was a really terrifying cycle. after work i went to my friend craig’s house and he gave me some xanax and that staved off the attacks for about five hours after i took it. thanks craig!

then for the next two days i didn’t take the subway or tell my parents that i was having panic attacks because it’s hard to tell your parents you have a mental illness, especially if you are their only kid and it would lower their chances of having a kid who is not mentally ill to 0%, and then they think they’re bad parents if their kid has a mental illness when really it’s just a scary world out here and not their fault. eventually i got put on some drugs that reduced my panic attacks but they also made me very unproductive and more chill than i want to be so i stopped taking them and now i take a different kind of chill-out medication as needed (as opposed to daily or twice daily), which is about three times a week and it works for about five hours at a time

but i have made a list of my top five techniques for avoiding panic attacks on the subway, in order of how crazy you will look while performing them, if you have panic attacks and don’t have access to drugs or don’t want to take them. most of these work for avoiding panic attacks in other spaces too but not all of them (especially #5)

1. wear a bunch of rubber bands around your wrist and then when you start feeling terrified, pull them as far from your wrist as possible and then release them so they snap back against your wrist and it stings. this is a cheap solution that will distract you from the terror, but you will also confirm peoples’ suspicions that you have a mental illness

2. panic attacks make you feel like you need to immediately leave wherever you are (like they activate the fight or flight instinct), and maybe the subway induces them because you know you can’t leave, so one of the things i’ve found that helps is taking my headphones off and putting them back on in intervals of about 20 seconds. 20 seconds on, 20 seconds off, 20 seconds on until i reach my destination. it sort of synthesizes the feeling of entering a new space every time you do it. if you leave them on or off for too long you’ll feel like you’re trapped again so be careful

2.5. don’t listen to sonically violent/jagged music like Gunplay or Death From Above 1979 if you are at risk of having a panic attacks. i’m not saying Gunplay induced my first panic attack but honestly he didn’t help

3. if you are on a subway line where you can see though the back or front windows, like the C line for example, go to the back or front of the train and look out the window. it feels like you’re on an uneventful amusement park ride, right? or like inside the mines in Donkey Kong:

seeing that you are moving over ground/tracks makes you feel less trapped because you understand you are moving in a way that doesn’t really sink in if you just see the subway tunnel walls flying by. people on the subway will think you are immature or a tourist because those are the people most wowed by looking out the back or front subway window, but whatever, fuck em

3.5. try to envision where you are, but above ground, when you’re on the subway. like if you are on the C line for example, between Spring Street and Canal Street, think about that car wash on 6th Avenue that charges different prices for a carwash depending on the time of day, then think about that restaurant Lupe’s, then think about the Soho Grand hotel, then you’re at Canal! then do that all the way home. you will find that you know the city better than you thought you did

4. chew up an Ativan, Xanax, Klonopin, Valium or any other anti-anxiety medication if you start to feel nervous. chewing it up makes it work faster and potentiates the effect of the drug but it won’t work for as long. a pill you can chew gives you the choice between fast-acting and long-lasting! be advised: Klonopin tastes bad. also be advised: people who don’t have mental illnesses don’t generally chomp on prescription pills in public, so people will be alerted to your condition or just the fact that you have a condition. oh well!

5. pretend you are the subway conductor and the safety of the passengers depends on your telepathic control of the train. while i was at the psychiatrist’s office and he was prescribing me the drugs i need, he joked about prescribing me a subway conductor’s hat and uniform and how that would make me “cured”, and then he told me that many of the people i see every day on the subway who are reading newspapers, books or magazines are actually not reading them at all and are telepathically pretending to control the movement of the train. i only go to him because he’s loose with the pen but i think it makes him feel more legit if we talk for 10 minutes before he gives me the prescription

6. write on your phone! every phone has a memopad, and you can turn the time you spend trying to stave off panic attacks into productive creative time. people will be mystified by the fact that you are typing what appears to be a very long text message in one of the only spaces that you can’t send text messages from, but who cares, fuck em, etc

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