How To Always Be Unhappy
Come into this world thinking you’re owed something. Have a permanent chip on your shoulder and always feel like you’ve been slighted in some way. Expect things from people. Fail to be gracious. Take rather than give. This kind of attitude not only lends itself to complete narcissism, it sets you up to always feel disappointed in people. In your eyes, you’re never being loved enough or appreciated.
Always blame things on your parents and childhood. Maybe you were dealt a bad hand and some pretty horrible things happened to you. Or maybe your parents just didn’t buy you enough crap. Whatever the case may be, hold on to terrible things with an iron grip. Never let go. Fail to understand that when you hold these things in a suffocating grip, you’re also suffocating yourself. You’re not allowing yourself to move forward and progress as a human being. While it’s true that we had no power over how we were raised, we do have power over the way we deal with it. As you get older, you can either bathe in your own misery. You can lather, rinse, and repeat, finding comfort in dwelling. Or you can consciously start to let go and make a life for yourself on your own terms. If you pick the former, you’re bound to be unhappy.
Be a complete and total narcissist. Never stop outside of yourself to look at things through another point of view. Never meet people halfway. Ask if they can always meet you on the corner of Me Me Me street and I Am Limited Avenue. Maybe it’s because you’re lazy and don’t care enough about someone to switch your way of thinking. Or maybe it’s because you’re genuinely incapable of doing so. You’re emotionally stunted and broken in some way. That’s real. Some people actually can’t recognize their shortcomings, which is terrifying because it means they’ll never be fixed. Hence, unhappiness.
Be someone who can’t move on from things. Get stranded in a land mine of your own memories. Try to escape and find joy in the present but find it to be incredibly dificult. You’re caught on the “What If’s” and the “Coulda, Shoulda, Woulda’s”. Your fear keeps you there and it will continue to keep you there until you find a way to free yourself.
Find beauty in sadness and believe that it makes you special. It’s, like, your thing. You’re The Depressed Friend, the one who’s needy and sucks all the energy from their friends. You say you want to get better and be just like everybody else but that may not be entirely true. Some people thrive on being damaged. They don’t understand how dangerous this kind of thinking is until everyone has finally given up on them, and they’re all alone with their special sadness. Are you ready to be happy now? The Boy Who Cried Depression.
Be too smart for your own good. Understand things too much. Know just how bad life can get. It’s like there’s constant noise going on in your brain that you can’t turn off. You just want to hold a hymn, listen to some charismatic speaker and make it all go away. Because of your intelligence, you’re unable to relate to most people. You don’t understand how others can live the way they do, how they can’t comprehend the things you get. What you wouldn’t give to not understand.
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It’s unfortunate, but we’re creatures of habit and we’ll hold onto our convictions until we’re literally forced to stop.
You basically have to walk a perfect straight line at all times in Japan because if you veer off at any moment you will almost definitely get mashed by a Japanese lady on a mamabike with three kids strapped to it.
Come on people, as if other people’s choices of love affected you in the least. Penguins don’t pull this crap on fellow homosexual penguins.
3. You’ve searched Etsy or eBay for a cute and inexpensive fez.