Gray Area Girl

Heart breaking.
I understand every single word you wrote.
I am going through the exact same thing at the moment, difference is, he isn’t seeing anyone yet.
But I can’t seem to work up the courage to ask him for something more, in fear that he’ll disappear.

wow

uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh the agony THE GODDAMN AGONY

Very well written. :) I really enjoyed it. And it has a strong message.

Sadly very easy to relate to, and ended with a crucial message. Thank you.

That was really awesome

ouch. damn.
this could be my story, except that when i spoke up, 
he thought “we were fine as friends.”
ah, well. 

I got exactly this, “Pardon me, but, did you REALLY think you were better than my her? Haha thats plain hilarious.”

Can completely relate to this and however much the message is a strong one I don’t think I can speak up because honestly, I don’t think I’m worth much more at the moment. This isn’t good.

Wow… I’ve been this girl a lot emotionally. I’m the one they call for the ego boost and a reminder that someone cares. And it still hurts. We need to learn to use our voices.

This. Exactly what I’m going through at the moment. Thank you for this lovely piece.

I’ve been investigating this phenomenon with girlfriends for years. We first dubbed it “The Pump and Dump” but after reading this, I think the “gray area” is to blame. Thanks! Good job!!

This is great. 

I’ve been gray area girl many a time, and whilst for some of these ‘flings’ or whatever they are, speaking up probably would not have made that much difference, I DO think that for the majority they probably would have. After a few too many letdowns, I was single, purposely, for a long time. I have a boyfriend now, and to be quite honest, if anything, out of all the men I’ve been associated with, taking into account their reputations etc, he would be the one that you would least expect to commit. But I had had enough, and this time I spoke up and let him know that if he saw no future with me, then there was no need for him to see me, and that I was not willing to compromise. Using your voice is important, if they are not going to give you what you want, then there’s no point wasting your time with the inevitable result of feeling shitty about yourself.

I completely understand everything here! However, I am still in this ‘gray area’ while the guy is with another girl….Why do we put ourselves through this agony? 

This reminds me of the D.E.N.N.I.S System episode on It’s Always Sunny.

It’s not the voice, if you brought up the subject things wouldnt have change. He thought you were a fun girl, you were always available, there was nothing new to discover. Then he found someone who was more of a challenge.

It’s stuff like this that make me remember why I love TC.

I disagree. It’s not always about a challenge, it often is about a voice. I know I’ve had a lot more success with men when I’ve stood up for myself and said, “hey, I like you, I don’t want to just sleep together casually.” People don’t know unless you communicate. 

Hooking up for girls is based largely on how attractive the man is. Attractive men get lots of girls. So they have the luxury of treating them like crap because another one will always come along. QED.

Hooking up for girls is based largely on how attractive the man is. Attractive men get lots of girls. So they have the luxury of treating them like crap because another one will always come along. QED.

I love how the TC comments page can become an Aunt Agony forum of sorts. 

A year ago, I became a Gray Area Girl myself for the first time, with this dude who had a girlfriend. Not cool, but we had fun and I really didn’t want anything more at the time. But as time went by, feelings deepened, I found myself wishin’ and hopin’ and thinkin’ and prayin’ – and eventually he did break up with his girlfriend BUT he never told me, not even until 2 months later when I found out from other people. It turns out he never saw us as ever being a couple – girlfriend or not – and it was just me digging a hole for myself all this time.

I decided to call it off, just a week ago in fact, and even though I miss him like crazy, I owe it to myself to stick it out. And guess what? He’s actually treating me better and making a little more of an effort to stick around and not lose me altogether.

So, separating the white and the black in a relationship might just be worth the risk. Yes, I’ve worried about losing him, but someone who doesn’t see your worth isn’t even worth having in the first place. Don’t lose yourself holding on to someone who doesn’t care about losing you.

Nice piece! I think a frequent concern is that being so upfront might scare the guy away, but it’s important to remember that if that happens, he’s not what you’re looking for. You might as well find that out sooner and move on to someone who might be.

This is fucking awesome.

This is fucking awesome.

This is fucking awesome.

Excellent article.

Really well articulated. 

Any gray area guys out there? I’m a dude and this hits pretty close to home, surprised that everyone in this situation who has posted appears to be a woman (or has not identified).

Honestly, if you are a grey area guy you have no hope. Women smell weakness from a mile away and will take advantage of it.

It’s the final two paragraphs that really bring this article home for me, because instead of leaving it open-ended and unresolved, you actually offered a solution/reason for Why This Happens, thus making it something one can act on.

this was nice

God this is 70% of my relationships. I am always someone’s gray area girl. I feel weird now. 

This makes me very sad because I can relate to what I’m in. Except, I’ve openly and continuously said to him how I want something and I get a lot of “This is just fun and we’re having a good time. This is just a good time.” recycled. Suddenly he’s dropping everything to be in a relationship with someone else after years of being there for him.

Sometimes I feel real lonely about it, like I want to cry and cut off all my hair and never leave the house again and take pills to sleep day and night and not think about anything, and then it’s articles like this that make me realize there are other people going through it, getting past it, and getting stronger.

You won’t be my gray area girl. You’d tire of my stupidity before we could label anything.

“Because if she thinks she’s worth this much then she probably is.” what? Are you saying we all determine our own worth? That a great girl who is shy and modest is worth less than a dumb, comfident whore, because if she thinks she’s (not) worth that much, she probably is(n’t)? Aren’t men smarter than that? Are you saying they’re unable or unwilling to form their own opinion on a girl’s worth, instead of just accepting her own?

that’s the first thing that popped in to my head!

that’s the first thing that popped in to my head!

the idea that people are only desirable when they are unavailable is dumb. if you like someone, you want to learn about them and are happy when they share and spend time with you.its an evolving process. if someone only sticks around because you present them with challenge after challenge, theyre more in it for self-satisfaction and its not going to work. 

I wish regular vision about this stuff was as 20/20 as the hindsight vision.

Well written. The difference for me when I was this gray area girl, was that the guy made it such a point to create intimacy (I see know, this wasn’t genuine but per usual, it was hard to see at the time) between us but still would withdraw and remain aloof after being so close. It was the constant back and forth that wore me down and quieted my voice for fear of losing him altogether. 

…until I found out he was in a serious relationship. Game over.

Enjoyed reading this. Felt like a fly on your wall. Great piece.

Damn. My life.

Why are you making me cry at work? 

I’ve been through this and it hurts like a motherfucker. Loved it because I can relate. 

Either way, he’ll disappear.

Give it a shot. If he says “no” to your offer, then you know that you offered. Feeling the sting of rejection now is worth not feeling the bite later.

Protip: petty jealousy and spewing vitriol over perceived inferiority is not attractive. Quite the opposite, in fact.

This was great. Really wonderful. Thanks.

I’m in the same situation too… it’s so confusing. He goes out of his way to do romantic things and treats me like his girlfriend but we never made it official, so I asked him about it a couple weeks ago and he claimed that while he thinks I’m “fascinating” and said “I would want to keep you in my life even if we don’t have sex because I love being with you,” he “wants the freedom to hook up with other girls.” However, he says he hasn’t been hooking up with anyone else and that the reason he doesn’t want a girlfriend is because his last girlfriend fucked him over badly. After that I started being kind of MIA because that wasn’t the answer I wanted (and I was thoroughly confused), yet he started being even more clingy to me as a result. Why his he acting this way?! Should I just give him an ultimatum? I don’t want to be his gray area girl and his mind tricks are totally unfair.

i need to print this out, laminate it, and carry it around with me. 

I was just thinking how similar essays on here have a relatively weak/predictable ending, but the last few lines of this one made my stomach drop a little. Well done.

If you don’t want to be his gray area, then don’t be his gray area. Easier said than done but it’s simple in its philosophy. This is your life, grrrrl!

that’s fucked up…

the problem here is emotional maturity.  the whole thing with “girls mature faster than boys”..well, it’s true.  a guy could genuinely like a girl but still not be emotionally ready for a relationship, and vice versa.  if the guy isn’t mature enough, then it doesn’t stand a chance.

damn. this really shows how much our perception of a situation affects the reality of it.  the guy thought that since you didn’t bring it up, that it would just a fun time. his perception became the reality. sucks, but that is life. :/

This rings so true, and because it’s taken MONTHS to get over it, I’m trying to make sure it never happens again. It’s so painful to care about someone and then watch him start dating someone other than you…especially when he was so commitment-phobic right before that. I’m pretty sure confidence in yourself doesn’t always work, but it does quickly weed out guys who aren’t worth it.

oh. my. god. i feel this so much.  i think sometimes, when you don’t feel the need to define a relationship is when you are truly living in the moment with someone.  you are going with the flow and enjoying the person and you’re so amazed by them that you don’t stop to think about the future and the “where is this headed” kind of shit.

probably the most relatable article i’ve read on here so far – frustrated/satisfied/impressed

Thank you for writing this – you’ve prevented what might have turned into a grey area situation. 

I think this is the best article I have ever read on here. It is so relateable. I think everyone can relate to this at one point or another. Thank you for writing this…  It makes me re think every “relationship” i’ve been in that has not worked out. Perception= reality.

Another girly TC writer named after a feline from Austrailia?!?!

you shouldn’t be sleeping with people casually if you don’t want to in a first place. That sends out a stronger message, perhaps it’s the voice.
 

That’s your idea of a challenge. My idea of a challenge is having life. Hence not dropping everything for a guy and being available all the time. Especially when he disappears for weeks and decides to randomly text around to see who’s available.

That’s your idea of a challenge. My idea of a challenge is having life. Hence not dropping everything for a guy and being available all the time. Especially when he disappears for weeks and decides to randomly text around to see who’s available.

Thank you so much for writing this. I went through the exact same thing a few weeks back, I could relate to every single word. Thank you so much. 

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Thank you. This was exactly what I needed to read today – I’m going through a very similar situation, except we’ve both blatantly stated we’re interested in one another. Now, getting beyond that is like getting stubborn teeth pulled.

beautiful and gut-wrenching and SO TRUE. going through this right now and it sucks to read that it was probably my fault in the end..but i needed to hear it. thank you thank you

beautiful and gut-wrenching and SO TRUE. going through this right now and it sucks to read that it was probably my fault in the end..but i needed to hear it. thank you thank you

It pierced right through that I can’t read it twice.

I’m seeing a guy now, and it’s the first time that I met someone this amazing. We try to play it cool because it’s only the second date but it seems like I am anticipating his texts for when he and I should meet up again. I have ton of fun with him, but I don’t want to seem to excited lest he thinks I am too eager (I am, in a way). He even hints on seeing me again and coming to my city to do activities that I like. I can see so much potential in him and he could possibly be my next serious relationship. But for now, I am playing it cool, and will hopefully have a voice in a few weeks or months.

I wish I didn’t relate, but I do, whole-heartedly.

Wow, this is amazing. Thank you very much. I have learn from you..

I like this a lot

it just occurred to me that it’s basically the plot of 500 Days of Summer, except with the genders reversed.

Yeah. Moral of the story: Men will use the hell out of women if they let them. Or, at least, that’s what I am seeing through the lens of my own bitterness.

I think with guys they call it “friendzoned”

Yes. So let’s all go buy “The Rules”, and practice pretending to be busy to get off the phone after our 5-minute egg timers go off.

I know exactly where you’re coming from. And that feeling that something from him is better than nothing at all, and nothing at all is what you might get if you start making a stand.

I hope you’re not still in this place.

This gives me so much inspiration