Girl I Work With, You’re Not Allowed To Listen To “Gucci Gucci” Anymore
1. It makes you stupider for having listened to it.
Not every song needs to be a Mensa exercise, but I’d like to be able to remember when to use a semi colon and what twenty percent of a tip is. Since you insisted on this being the feel good hit of the universe, I’ve forgotten my middle names and how to tie a bowtie.
2. It’s dubstep.
3. It’s mad wiggerish.
Kreayshawn, is a tiny white girl who refers to her posse as her “sistas” and uses racial slurs in a sanctimonious fashion. I understand that the streets of East Oakland can be frightening, but dropping out of film school in Berkeley isn’t really the point of sale I want my rap coming from. If she were a tiny white male, Rick Ross would be planning on deep frying Kreayshawn and serving her to his crew with a side of grits.
4. You told me that you have two Louis Vuitton purses on hold.
“Gucci Gucci” is a song about not needing to brand yourself with labels, and yet you love flashing your credit card-scorching articles all over the bar. You’re using the song as an accessory and remember, when accessorizing always take off the last thing you put on. I figured out that you shouldn’t pay more for brand name apparel when I was nine and the nerdy kid in “Kick Butt” jogging pants couldn’t stop himself from getting his nose bloodied while playing soccer-baseball.
5. I got you a Minipops album to act as methadone.
You’re addicted, I get it. You’re a tiny girl who loves Inside Edition and you had no chance from the start against this drug. I sendspaced you a Minipops album that I’m pretty sure has a Kurtis Blow cover on it. This should get you through the week.
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You basically have to walk a perfect straight line at all times in Japan because if you veer off at any moment you will almost definitely get mashed by a Japanese lady on a mamabike with three kids strapped to it.
Come on people, as if other people’s choices of love affected you in the least. Penguins don’t pull this crap on fellow homosexual penguins.
3. You’ve searched Etsy or eBay for a cute and inexpensive fez.
This is the first part of a book that I am writing for Thought Catalog. This is a fiction book about young people in New York City. A lot of it is not fiction, and not made up, because I am not sure if I am very good at making things up.