Four Things I Need To Just Get Over

Aug. 10, 2011

By Chelsea Fagan info

Chelsea Fagan is a writer living in Paris. It's less pretentious than it sounds.

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I wish I knew how they do it–all those cool people who just seem to let the frustrations and injustices of life roll off their backs like well-dressed ducks. I wish I knew the secret ingredient to not wasting a single moment of their lives on what feels like righteous indignation, but is really more along the lines of childish foot-stamping. I desperately need their secrets, as there are some things that, if I want to get anywhere in my life, I am going to need to just get over.

1. He did want it all, just not with me. That’s the thing about love. So many human relationships become a kind of “you can’t fire me, i quit!” scenario that is much more about not being the one getting hurt than it is about actually having healthy interaction. Sure, I’d like to imagine I’m above the temptation of hating seeing someone I care about care wayyyy too much about someone else–but it’s nearly impossible. And though there are moments in which my own happiness puts me on a gentle pink cloud of “oh, that’s just so great for you,” if I’m ever going to learn to deal with relationships and how they come and go, I’ll have to accept the ugly, universal truth about breakups: They do want every amazing, beautiful, incredible thing to be had in this life between two people–they just don’t want those things with my crazy ass.

2. That person is much better looking than I will ever be. I can never fully understand why beauty magazines exist. I mean, I understand them in theory–there are new clothes to buy and new ways to put your hair up this month, and this collection of shiny paper will tell you where to find/ how to do those things. That part I get. But without fail, every time I find myself idly flipping through one in a doctor’s office waiting room or, let’s be real, my own room every now and again, I spiral into a deep, if brief, depression. “Why are these women all so god damn pretty?” I think. The injustice of it all just absolutely kills me–they are famous and rich and getting to meet some of my personal heroes just because they won the genetic lottery. Why? It can seem an inescapable tunnel of pointless jealousy.

But I think the first and most crucial step of the recovery process here is probably realizing that these Beautiful People have problems of their own. Being gorgeous doesn’t make you a good person (See: Naomi Campbell), intelligent (See: Tyra Banks), or immune to the appeal of every NBA basketball plater and that one American Psycho guy like the rest of us mere mortals (See: The Kardashian Sisters). They’re pretty, and that’s about all I know about them. I can either accept it, or end up looking like the Cat Lady in my many-surgeried quest to look like them.

3. Talentless hacks will get accolades. This is especially hard to swallow if your area of expertise/ ideal career field is one of the fine arts, like writing, music, or posting stolen pictures of people looking sad on Tumblr. People who I feel, just KNOW in my bones are completely talentless are going to be getting deals and interviews and humiliatingly flattering profiles in my favorite alternative weekly.

But my dislike for certain artists, after a while, becomes nothing more than pathetic. And the same is true for all of us, in any field. I can either accept that talent is subjective and people are entitled to like Katherine Heigl and Eli Roth and JK Rowling* as much as they want.

4. I am judged on the way I look. It’s true, and flies in the face of my frustration with the fashion magazine military-industrial complex. Whether I like it or not, people are going to look at me and make some kind of assessment about who I am as a person, even if they don’t realize it. And while it’s true that I can, in many cases, overcome their first impressions as I get to know them, there are going to be many times where a judgmental glance is all I’m going to get. And it’s terrible, because we’re told all our lives in the most hand-holdy, sing-songy, Sesame Street outtake kind of way that it’s what’s on the inside that counts. And that’s true–Big Bird was absolutely right. Who we are inside is what makes us truly beautiful. However, that doesn’t mean that a fair portion of the people I will meet in my life are going to make untrue and sometimes damaging assessments about me because my clothes are ugly or my hair unkempt.

But I guess the trick to this one is just accepting that it’s kind of a stasis of human interaction and to adapt accordingly. Sure, I can make a personal effort to judge people more based on who they are (and I do, I’m an incredibly good person), but it won’t change the fact that all these studies I’m too lazy to cite prove how important the first five seconds of job interviews are. So I guess I better perfect my handshake (none of that limp-wristed sociopath bullshit) and make sure to keep some spare bobbie pins for a bad hair day, because we’re still animals at the end of the day, and we just gravitate to those of us with the shiny coats of fur.

*I am kidding, for the love of God, I am so kidding. JK Rowling is a wonderful, visionary author who deserves every accolade that comes her way. Please don’t bite me, you insane Harry Potter fans, I don’t want your literary rabies. TC mark

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  • http://flipsideofamemory.tumblr.com flipside of a memory

    I think I need to get over this too, because at the end of the day, it’s just stunting my growth as a person.  Easier said than done though. *goes back to the corner of the room*

  • http://twitter.com/misterdisco Ben Breier

    True story. Tardbuckets obtaining fame really chaps my ass.

  • Me

    If you can’t change it, change the way you think about it.

    • Love

      Exactly how I feel. You can change the way things affect you, but you can’t change those things. You have the power to control how and if everything impacts you.

      Nevertheless, I agree with the article. The above is easier said than done.

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=707272007 Alex Thayer

        I disagree.  We don’t always have the power to change how things impact us.  This is what makes us human.  We’re frail.  We’re affected.  We let one lost love change our ideological view of every love we will ever encounter for the rest of our existence.

        Our lives our can be amounted to factors of themselves, and we have the ability to be aware of it.  That’s what makes us special.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=707272007 Alex Thayer

    i’m glad that you didn’t let #1 dominate the tone of this article.

  • http://twitter.com/astoldbyparas Paras

    “posting stolen pictures of people looking sad on Tumblr.” 

  • Phil Major

    I have to get over the fact that no matter how hard I work, and how polished my skills get, I have to be patient with respect to the reaping of rewards. I, like many, hear over and over that if I just work hard, I’ll get the things I want. But I can’t help but feel like if I am good now, and I work hard now, I should enjoy the benefits now.

    Stupid patience.. always making me wait.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

    thought this would be about amusement parks

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=707272007 Alex Thayer

      SUPERMAN: RIDE OF STEEL

  • http://profiles.google.com/checkpleaseee Check Please

    I definitely agree that its hard to accept the fact that he just didn’t want those things with YOU. It’s like in the movie “When Harry Met Sally” when Sally discovers that her ex is getting married even though he said he would never get married. All she kept saying was “why not me? why didn’t he want those things with me.” Its an age old question that we singletons are forever trying to answer.

  • Guestette

    wait- did you make a reference to thinking J.K Rowling is talentless? gtfo

    • Guestette

      oh ok jesus, just read the end, your safe

      • Anonymous

        Love how you immediately stopped reading, scrolled down, and made a comment before finishing the article.

      • Guestette

        if your about to make a negative comment about J.K. Rowling’s talent, hell yes I am going to comment to defend her before finishing the article

      • http://twitter.com/dianasof Diana Z.

        But… that’s what the asterisk was for. I read that part, was like “hell no, you didn’t just call her talentless”, looked at the little *, calmed the fuck down and read all the way to the end before feeling offended. 

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=512427030 Maura M.

    At some point, you probably will get over these things.  As your life unfolds, realistically these ego-busters should become smaller and smaller potatoes.  If that shit doesn’t affect you all the time, than maybe in the future it will affect you less and less, to the point where in some triggering situations it won’t affect you at all.  If you aren’t triggered, than it gives your brain some time to rationalize, and look at things objectively.  People aren’t necessarily attracted to someone who’s good for them or who they’re most likely to have the best future with, because they get caught up in the image.  So, being in a position where you are able to see these things and not buy into it is an asset to your prospective relationships.  People don’t exhibit good judgment, and in a super competitive world of sound bites and snap shots, they have ample room to exhibit poor judgment.  You don’t need to internalize it. 

  • http://twitter.com/catedeleon Cate de Leon

    I think Tyra Banks is intelligent, though.

    • http://twitter.com/LadyBlueShame ✔ Lady Blue

      GTFOH

  • Stefan

    #3 is actually how I feel sometimes when commenters praise an article/author way out of proportion to what I see as the level of talent involved.

    also, on a note unrelated to this article: chelsea fagan wrote that article on slutwalk, but if you click through to her bio here and look at articles she’s posted, it’s not listed. and then I found out it’s because they made a separate “chelsea fagan” with only one article linked, the slutwalk one. as a longtime TC reader, I’m just left wondering why, whose idea it was, and what it means in terms of owning responsibility for one’s opinions in the face of popular opposition.

    • Anonymous

      Sounds like a cover up. You should send an anonymous tip to Wikileaks.

    • Guest

      pretty sure that was ryan o’s doing

  • http://twitter.com/geology_rocks Haley F

    This is coming from a non-spiritual atheist, but you should try meditation.. when you’re more focused on yourself and your personal happiness I think it becomes easier to brush off things you consider as unjust in life.

    “What assurance of real happiness is there in all of one’s wealth, youthfulness, sons, and family members? This life is tottering like a drop of water on a lotus petal.”

  • VLL

    When you get out of your 20s, life becomes a lot less about other people’s looks, achievements and opinions, and more about your own.

  • Molly

    This is going to sound schmaltzy, but the way I got over the attractive people thing is I just ask myself, at the end of the day, if I would really want to be another person. It helps put the less than perfect looks, bits of asymmetry, and flaws in perspective.

  • Rhee

    Hahaha, thank god for that asterisk. JK Rowling is a literary goddess.

    I like the way you write. #4 especially is something I’ve got to get over too.

  • http://twitter.com/hellllnawww annisah

    i think that people with no talent succeed because they make up for lack of creativity & insight with perserverence, delusions and pulling strings with the right people. unfair, i know but  it seems to work for most untalentless hacks i know.

  • Caroline

    You may be an incredibly good person, but you are an incredibly self-indulgent writer.

  • Caroline

    You may be an incredibly good person, but you are an incredibly self-indulgent writer.

  • Meghan

    Tyra Banks comes across as extremely articulate to me. I find her one of the most intelligent pretty faces in media today.

    • Rhee

      Lol?

    • http://twitter.com/LadyBlueShame ✔ Lady Blue

      This hurts.

  • Guesta

    not to make you feel like shit or anything, but image and beauty do matter.  people judge others based off of their appearance for a reason. your appearance does give a bit of an indication to who you are.  if someone is downright ugly and unattractive and fat, the bottom line is they are not going to be valued for sex or a relationship as much as an attractive person..

  • Guesta

    not to make you feel like shit or anything, but image and beauty do matter.  people judge others based off of their appearance for a reason. your appearance does give a bit of an indication to who you are.  if someone is downright ugly and unattractive and fat, the bottom line is they are not going to be valued for sex or a relationship as much as an attractive person..

  • kid

    god damn, I may as well sign my name under this.
    PS You’re beautiful.

  • http://twitter.com/LadyBlueShame ✔ Lady Blue

    I totally feel you on numbers one and three. ESPECIALLY number three. *punches wall*

  • http://twitter.com/LadyBlueShame ✔ Lady Blue

    I totally feel you on numbers one and three. ESPECIALLY number three. *punches wall*

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