Five Types of Guys You Should Not Make Out With
1. Your Best Friend
You don’t want to make out with your best friend for all the obvious, clichéd reasons. Things will never be the same. You’ll never be able to look each other in the eye. It’ll be weird. All because you will both now know that there’s something in your relationship that stretches beyond just friendship, that something made you both want to put your faces so close together that your lips touched and that something else made you both stay there, with sweaty palms and half-closed eyes. And this, unfortunately, will make it near impossible for you to remain true friends.
2. The Guy from across the Hall
Sure, he helps you carry big packages up the stairs sometimes and gets your mail for you when you’re out of town. Sure, he’s seen (and heard) you come home drunk at 3 a.m. and may or may not have put you in bed that night after you threw up on his doormat. But this does not mean you should make out with him. Because if you do, he’ll never do those things again for you; he’ll feel like he’s “sending the wrong message,” or that you’ll think he’s “making a move,” and it’ll be uncomfortable. And you’ll have to find someone else to water your plants while you’re in Seattle for a week.
3. Your Friend’s Roommate
You fell asleep on the couch after watching The Hills Have Eyes that one time, and he found you there, alone (and unconscious), on his way to the bathroom. And when he looked into your eyes, you almost forgot that he was the guy you made fun of with your best friend for listening to Tokyo Hotel and Meatloaf. You almost forgot… because you almost forgot who he was, period. And if you make out with this temporary stranger, you’ll be too self-conscious to ever inebriatedly eat Lucky Charms in his apartment again.
4. The Foreign Exchange Student
He’s got an exotic accent that makes you feel worldly and cultured and a charm that makes you feel like you’re in a Jane Austen book. He doesn’t quite understand America (or English, for that matter), and that makes him just adorable enough for you to want to put your non-European lips all over him. He’s perfect. But he’s really not. And what’s worse is that you won’t know him for long enough to realize that he’s just as average as all the guys you’ve known before him. So, when he leaves, you’ll think you lost the love of your life, when in reality you just lost another schmo.
5. That One Guy You Feel Sorry For
You kind of hate him because he’s sort of ugly, mostly annoying and still wears his Kingdom Hearts t-shirt from the eighth grade under a giant black hoodie. But then again you kind of love him because he’s always there, ready with a helping hand when you drop your pencil and a quick compliment even on your worst days. And you know that when he tells you you look pretty he genuinely means it; he’s not just trying to get into your pants. Because he probably knows he can’t. But if you make out with him in a bout of self-loathing and neediness, you’ll only end up feeling sorrier for yourself than you feel for him.
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