The Dance Floor Assault

Jun. 17, 2011

By Ryan Brandt info

Ryan is a dancer from Chicago.

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It’s been a stressful week. You have one thought on your mind—just dance, gonna be okay! Thank you Mother Monster for those few words of wisdom. Onward to the dance floor! You traipse through a repulsive mess of sweaty bodies. You ignore the girl being penetrated through her jeans by the dude she just met who is now driving his pelvis full force into her ass while she clings tightly to the stage… Okay, let’s be realistic, no one ignores that.

You stop and watch, eyes wide, jaw dropped and discuss with your super-mature friends how his thing must be broken by now… Either that or his lipstick dick is too small to be affected. You concur that he’s never having kids. You press onward, passing the 60-year-old man who inappropriately touches himself while looking up the dresses of the recently-turned-21 hussies dry humping on the stage. I always wondered why they don’t wear cuter underwear. Then again, look how they’re dancing. They have no shame.

Last, you pass the pack of chiseled men in Affliction shirts who don’t dance but rather flock with hungry eyes to watch the most interesting, best looking group of girls (us, duh) get their groove on. You hold your comments though—you know your one friend appreciates the fact that the one with the rhinestones is almost as tan as she is. Impressive!

Finally, that perfect spot where you have room to do yo thang reveals itself in all its glory. You wore your hair down so you could whip it back and forth, even though you’ve got nothing on that little shit Willow Smith. You purposely bought a purse with a chest strap so you can work the floor to your full potential without resembling an amputee because you’re using one arm to carry that bag of useless garbage. Girls in position, drink in hand, you let the music consume you.

Now, not only do you probably have a choreographed dance sequence for just about every song the DJ drops, but you’re damn good at doing it. ALONE. So here is the issue that never fails to present itself every time my stilettos hit that floor. Just when I have all eyes on me after getting low, low, low, low in my non-Apple Bottom jeans, the unwelcome approaches begin.

Allow me to elaborate: You’re in it. Your body is pulsating to the rhythm, hands all over yourself because you know you’re the “it girl” on the floor right now. This is what you needed. Your job sucks, you’re running on little sleep, but that Red Bull you chugged was enough to give you that extra surge you needed to just release it all and leave it on the dance floor, if only for this moment. Just then you feel a presence behind you. You look to your left, you look to your right. All your girls are accounted for and they’re all giving you THE look.

Immediately you tense your muscles and scrunch up your face in disgust to prepare yourself, and then it happens. Some freak show grabs your hips from behind and thrusts his boner against your backside. For all you men out there, can I ask a simple question? When did it become so difficult to ask me to dance (even though I’m going to kindly reject your ass anyway) that you just had to resort to the dance floor assault of rubbing your boner on me and hoping I’d wanna make love in this club? Unless you are Usher himself… NO.

This approach, while highly common, is NEVER acceptable my book. EVER. Don’t try it on me or on any one of my friends because I will embarrass the hell out of you in this place. I will very dramatically make an example out of you for all of the other disgusting hopefuls waiting for their turn. I will next your idiot ass with my arms up in “X” formation. Yes, I just said that.

While it may not sound like it, I am actually a very nice person and I enjoy going out and meeting new and interesting people. But I didn’t hit the floor to be impregnated. So please fellas, if you see my group of ridiculously good-looking bitches out on the floor and you wanna get in on that shit, JUST ASK. I can’t promise we’ll accept, but I can almost guarantee we won’t. At least you’ll earn my reward of quiet, unnoticed rejection. Best of luck to you. TC mark

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image – Tom T

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  • ushdugery

    You must go to some pretty shitty clubs if that’s what goes on there.

  • Mr Shankly

    Oh this happens to me every time. Good thing I overcompensate by elbowing my way through the crowds, spilling my drinks on people, knocking other people’s drinks so they spill them on each other, and just flailing my arms about fucking aggressively just because I can. BUT DON’T HIT ON ME YOU SILLY BOYS.

  • xra

    you seem really really annoying, but i must agree with your main point

  • Ms. Pants

    I don’t know why I never thought about the Full-Frontal-X-Arms but I will sure as fuck use it now!  BRILLIANT!

  • beck

    this. every single time i go out. sigh.

  • B B Rodriguez

    No free dick-rubbing!  I completely agree.  Earn it with personality boys!

  • THE BISON

    excuse me mam would you like to dry hump to this song, OR you could just dance there with your girls and ill ignore you like that group of guys with the affliction shirts over there. i agree with your statement i mean if i went out on the dance floor with my budddies and groups of girls just budged in there and wanted to scissor me timbers and buy me mexican food afterwards shiiiiit…………..ide look up into the sky and wonder how the hell can heaven be better than right now! ha ha

  • sjt

    You sound irritatingly self-important. A pretty annoying piece, tbh.

  • justwannadance

    i am actually really, really, really annoying.

  • justwannadance

    let me give you a piece of advice. this is my trick and it works very well. when a guy does this to me, i whip myself around and look him up and down with lust in my eyes. then i put a hand on his chest and sassy walk him across the floor (this is totally unexpected and he is completely caught off guard by your reaction to his penis on you). THEN when you get him far, far away from you… do the ugliest dance move you can create on the spot and end it by putting up your “X” and yelling, “NEXT” as loudly as possible. then watch everyone around him laugh as you strut back to your girls :)

  • justwannadance

    someone sounds guiltyyyy….

  • http://somuchtocome.blogspot.com Aja

    I have a friend that used to refer to a group of girls dancing as “the circle of death”.  Join it without permission and you’re asking for it.

  • Jrttt

    Oh no I’m at a club and a guy is trying to dance with me hurr durr.

  • 123456

    I suggest you go to a club where people actually dance to I don’t I don’t know, music. You know the kind that requires some sort of coordinated movements and rythem. Otherwise, put up or shut up.

  • Guest

    no, you’re not a “very nice” person. nights out do count as “real life” in case you were wondering

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

    afflictions shirts = che guevara shirts

  • justwannadance

    AJA- i like you.

  • Sophia

    Gosh, please just shut up. What a self-important piece.

  • Anonymous

    Uhm, word. All someone needs to do is ask. Politeness goes a long way.  Dancing while in a club is not the same thing as inviting all men to grope you.

  • Pinkmandy

    You’re really saying, “Look at me, I’m so hot all the guys want to hump me.” Well, kudos. The kind of guys you’re describing would hump a wall. Whatever is actually going on, there is something about you that reads “open for business,” because, while there will always be a creep in the crowd from time to time,  the creeps find you every time. This isn’t about being assaulted on the dance floor. It’s about you, how you think you’re totally hot and awesome. These humping sessions stroke your ego, which is fine, whatever floats your boat, however its been my experience that when one needs to compensate with backdoor bragging, they fall short on the awesomeness factor.

  • justwannadance

    ok so the drama factor in this story makes me sound self-absorbed… fair enough. but when there are 37 other girls who WANT to dance like that and who are 37 times better looking than me, why do they still come? because my friends look like approchable, nice girls. we’re not dancing dirty, we have class, and maybe that’s appealing? i really have no explanation for it, sorry!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=567590480 Ng Lay Peng

    When I was doing some mods in Okla and Cali, I was impressed with how guys would ask before they hump. 

    Here in Singapore, you get creepy people breathing down your neck and humping first and no conversation would even happen.

  • justwannadance

    WOW! i need to be there!

  • http://twitter.com/blank_postcard blank_postcard

    AH FEEL YOU, GURL. What a gloriously accurate and relatable account of the female plight at a modern dance club.  Could we best best friends?

  • http://catedeleon.blogspot.com/ Cate de Leon

    Yeah, I think the really angry and negative comments are coming from guilty, defensive guys who have done it. Annoying persona or not, I see no other reason to get so mad, haha :P

  • justwannadance

    we ARE best friends! i appreciate your understanding of my vivid descriptions of night club life. i literally based all of that off of specific encounters haha.

  • justwannadance

    :)

  • beans

    dude are all these haterz the same person cuz i totally feel you girl.

  • coffeeandinternets

    The Assange Assault: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vNqd4hW98sQ (link totally safe for work and fun casual parties)

  • http://staugustinian.wordpress.com/ STaugustine

    “Some freak show grabs your hips from behind and thrusts his boner against your backside.”

    If it worked 30 million years ago, some bros think it’s probably still worth a try

  • jules

    I suggest you take a look at this, I think you’d find it helpful:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8wRXa971Xw0

  • justwannadance

    that’s also one of my many techniques. jenna marbles and i are VERY similar!

  • http://catedeleon.blogspot.com/ Cate de Leon

    Yeah, I watched that too and couldn’t stop laughing, HAHA :))

  • Ruth

    Tagged: “boner assault”

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