But I’m Too Young To Settle!

I only throw up on my shirt because I’m nervous!

Wow. Sounds not-so-vaguely familiar aka I had this done to me. I think they are still looking for themselves in all the wrong places.

Absolutely excellent timing. Only wish there had been an answer or direction given for my own selfish reasons so I could have someone else make up my mind for me in this situation.

Why would you wanna live with someone for the rest of your life? I mean. It’s THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. Like, you know, 60 years, give or take a decade. 

I will never understand monogamy and this need to “settle down.” There are always so many more places/people to explore. 

A big resounding “YES” to all of this.

I mean, you can always date someone without getting married to them. .. But in general, settling is usually a bad idea!

Wow, you’re killin em out here Chelsea. Mad truths being spoken. 

I’ve been with my boyfriend since I was 15 and he was 18. Almost 5 years later and I wouldn’t say that I’m missing out on things because I’m in a committed relationship. If anything I’d say I just get to experience the same things if not more and with someone who I care about. I think of myself as a very lucky person to be able to share more of my life with someone for longer. My grandparents were together from high school until my grandfather passed away this summer. Almost 60 years of loving each other and sharing their lives with each other. If I can have the kind of love they did for as long as they did, I could call my life complete. I am grateful to have some one that I care about so much and that cares about me to share all of life’s ups and downs with. It makes the good times that much better, and the hard times that much more bearable.

How true. Making decisions can be hardest thing in life. Finding somone really perfect and then letting them go because im not on my own feets can be even harder

I totally agree with you Chelsea, what is the point of losing something so important for some grand, sweeping notion of “finding yourself”?  I’m getting married next year in the age bracket you speak of. (Though I don’t come from an unstable background or a devout Christian one…) I understand completely the kind of risk being taken but I embrace it entirely, its a leap of faith and an utterly romantic, strangely brave notion – if you go into it with your eyes wide open. x

Chelsea, you are speaking to my soul. Just don’t tell the man I am avoiding having this conversation with.

You say the things I’m too afraid to admit.

2nd Thought Catalog entry that I have ever actually hated. This logic makes me hurt.

When you find the right person, you wont have to make a decision! it’s not about closing doors, people! it’s about going through the doors of life experience WITH SOMEONE … taking them with you on your journey …. and merging your journeys into one.

i think you’re looking at this from the wrong perspective. if you’re looking at a relationship in the sense that you’re losing part of yourself, you’re doing it wrong.

You can still travel/meet new people when you’re in a commited relationship! Being married doesn’t mean your life ends, or at least it shouldn’t. I think the most successful relationships are the ones that encourage both of you to keep growing and learning together.

care to expand on that?

Take your time honey, there is no need to rush anything!

I got married at 22 and couldn’t be happier, but I also recognize that not everyone can/should get married that young. I think you’re ready to get married when you find someone for whom you are willing to make sacrifices – including giving up the “fun” stages of self-discovery in your 20′s, though I argue the point that you have to be single in order to have fun and learn about yourself.  I can honestly say that I’ve learned more about myself after getting married than I did while I was single. Ultimately, I don’t think age should matter. I don’t advocate getting married by a certain age. I married young because I found the right person for me and didn’t see a reason to wait. But if you don’t find the person you’re meant to be with until you’re 40, then so be it. When you know, you know – don’t marry for any other reason. That’s my advice.

Ugh.

The right time to ‘SETTLE’ is when it doesn’t feel like ‘SETTLING.’ Believe it or not, all you ‘independent’ types, that actually happens for people sometimes.

I think the general idea is that between mid teens and thirties, people’s personalities tend to evolve and if they’ve “settled down” with someone at such a young age, they wake up one day and realize that they have very little in common with each other because they aren’t the same people that they once were.

You are awesome. I hear so much of what you say in the three posts I’ve read in the last half hour, not just this one. I wish I had time to comment more extensively on all of them. I’ll favourite it and maybe distract myself tomorrow.

The whole situation really shrinks in scope after you masturbate, and start eating Cheez-Its.

My boyfriend and I met and started dating when I was 19 (he was 22) and moved in together 6 months later. We’ve been together for almost 3 years now and show no signs of stopping; we just knew right away how great we are together. I think, if you’re lucky enough to find love like that, you’d be an enormous fool not to go for it.

That is not to say, however, that ANYBODY should get married (and especially not have kids) in their early-to-mid-20s. You can grow as a person, “find yourself”, whatever, while in a couple with potential for flexibility and mobility and without legal complications. But if you officially legally tie yourself to that person too soon – or worse, make an irreversible bond by having kids – then, yeah, you’re going to limit yourself. But that’s why more and more couples than ever before are living together before or instead of getting married; there’s less pressure, and it’s all about the relationship’s *potential*.

ya but like your bf only has 85 FB friends, are you making the right decisions??

I am totally going steady, but I don’t want to get married ever so IDK.  

i love the whole “me-oriented” era tid bit because it’s so true. but sad at the same time. we as a society are focused on the “me” and when we hit a certain age all we want to think about is the “we”.

^^^why wouldn’t you want to live with someone for the rest of your life? too many people think like you nowadays. In a few decades there won’t be divorces anymore….cuz no one will even marry any more.

I think this post promotes a destructive mindset, more so than the claim of being “too young to settle”. We’re essentially talking about the notion of “soulmates” here, which is based on a mentality of scarcity and fear. Don’t let go, because you may never find someone like that EVER AGAIN!

There are amazing men and women everywhere, and there always will be. Justifying that someone is “meant for you” because you’re afraid you’ll never find that again reveals an insecurity that says you’re probably not ready for that type of commitment in the first place.

If you’re young and want to settle down with someone special, then I think that’s awesome. But it should never get in the way of what you want to accomplish with yourself, and it should be based on a strong connection you can’t live without. Not fear of being alone.

I disagree, but I think that may be because I see a marriage or lifelong partnership as not simply about finding the person who meets the most qualities on your checklist, but finding someone with whom you build and experience all of life’s most beautiful moments and share things that you don’t share with anyone else. It’s something that grows exponentionally over time.

So if you meet someone when you’re young who makes you laugh, who treats you with kindness and respect, with whom you connect physically, who makes you feel incredible, and with whom you feel you couldn’t live without–why throw that person away because you’re young?

Sure, you could say that there’s a near-endless string of people to meet and become involved with after them, but that’s not the same thing as building a life with someone–it’s almost unfair to compare the two. If you feel that, at some point, you want to start a family or a journey with just one person–and many of us do–you shouldn’t let age dissuade you from choosing a person who you feel, in every other way, is right for you.

i think there needs to be a distinction between “settling” and “settling down”

Really? This is the first Thought Catalog entry that I’ve ever actually enjoyed.

I think this is brilliant. Really resonated with me. Thank you.

Who says you have to settle, ever? Believe it or not, it’s not everyone’s life goal to get married (or ‘settle’). It’s also actually possible to live a rich, enjoyable life as a single person :)

ok, now how do you get this person to stay in your life and not run away like a scaredy pants. it seems young love rarely works out.

you, my friend, are also promoting a destructive mindset. you are assuming that an individual cannot accomplish anything unless they are single.  that mindset is destructive, believing that “settling down” means the end of individuality and accomplishment..

I really like this article. The funny thing is, young people will shun a great relationship/whatevership just because they want to “find themselves”. But then they go and do “single” things, and even engage in destructive behaviors.  They might do drugs, binge drink, sleep with multiple people, is it really worth it?  Some people destroy themselves in order to “find” themselves. It’s sad.

Yes..but the problem is kids these days don’t think this way. They are idiots. Why is that? The media? Movies? I don’t know. It’s stupid, though.

I can’t believe how many kids swallow up this quest to “find yourself”. Hello idiots, you are right here. Right now. You are you, you like what you like. Anyone that doesn’t know themselves by the time they are 20 is clearly a dumb-ass fuck up. I’m sorry that I’m not sorry.

you’re always the same person.

Enjoyed this a lot :) I was wondering what everyone thinks of a 22 year old college student female dating a 32 year old successful and established male. It is a long distance relationship, however, genuine feelings are involved. I’m curious. Think it relates because this 22 year old (who may or may not be me) is in no way ready to settle down with the man after college, but is afraid that he may push her to because frankly, his clock is tickin. And do I want to let this all happen- the move in, the proposal, the wedding etc. without experiencing other people? Just wondering what your thoughts may be. Thanks!

When people break up with someone and say they need to find themselves, it is usually a cop out.

 What they really mean is that they don’t want you, or they just want to fuck other people..
so there’s that…:O

this is the creepiest comment in the entire world.

Loved this piece! It falls into my life at the moment almost too perfectly. The only thing that doesn’t quite sit well with me is the way you phrase certain things, like:  ”but that likely won’t happen”. It seems a bit awkward compared to: but it’s unlikely that it would happen, or something of that nature. Still, lovely read.

It depends on how mature you and your relationships are. nuff said

Well, a relationship shouldn’t be based on commonalities in the first place. It can be your stepping stone but it should never be that freaking fortified bastion. 

It is the fear of ever losing that particular person…. that’s why you settle down

I’m 23 years old. I dated someone from age 18-22 and I thought we were set for life. Until we broke up last year and I sank into depression, because the other areas of my life (friends, career) were not full.  I’d put all my eggs in one basket and that basket went over the Niagara Falls.
Romeo and Juliet were definitely too young to settleOr you could be really old and rich like Hugh Hefner and never settle.my parents married at 24, 25 and (i’m 23 years old) it was very hard for them to raise me with no money or good jobs; even though they couldn’t afford to give me everything new, like my younger sisters now get, they gave me everything they could.  (education, free of charge)”settle” sounds like an sad default choice… “I ‘settled’ for less.”   But then again, no person is god, so we are settling with our mate’s flaws and imperfections. Just as we admit that we have faults..  It’s about being together “for better or for worse.”  Break-ups are very painful…so try not to do it too many times in your life.  It’s better to wait and make sure you can commit to someone. Rather than go through multiple breakups like we’re Carrie Bradshaw from Sex and the City in a charmed life, letting our skin get tougher with each new wound – even Carrie had THREE best friends to take care of her emotional trauma.Ideally, people should mature as they grow up, so whoever appealed to you as a teenager might not be right for you in your adult life. Many of us are not appealing people in our youth, so our mates move on. When you’re dating, you only show your best self, so when the partner sticks around for longer, it becomes… a “WTF why did I choose this person” situation. Do you believe that there’s just one person for you out there or not?  Is there one Eve to your Adam?  Do you trust that God will bring that person into your life eventually and make them want to stay for a lifetime?True: being tied down to someone as a couple may stunt your personal development…. if you entered the relationship with insecurities and lose sight of your identity as a person and start to describe yourself as part of a couple. “I’m so-and-so’s girlfriend….”  versus “I’m the head writer for SNL.”So every young couple you know are either ‘extremely Christian’ or coming from a broken childhood?  Because this scientific expert article states that you must fall in one of those camps, as a young couple.”It’s all well and good if that decision leads you to Italy where you meet a sensitive, loving, generous multi-millionaire with whom you fall head over heels in love, but that likely won’t happen.”…..  Who said ANYTHING about wanting to marry an ITALIAN MILLIONAIRE?  I don’t even SPEAK ITALIAN. WHO is this mobster fellow….am I in danger? let’s just go back to arranged marriages at birth.”the idea of acknowledging you met your life partner at 22 is terrifying. ”or just a sweet truth and very lucky. you get a head-start on life together.”that we believe those emotional milestones must be met while we’re alone.”Having friends – you know, friends? people that you don’t date? – can be a fulfilling, not lonely lifestyle.  Is Ms. Fagan saying that either you’re married or you’re living like a hermit??You’ll never be 100% sure of anything in your life. that’s what makes it exciting.”spending our twenties in a perpetual state of turning down commitment because we want to have “fun,” whoa – who are all these Prince Charmings that she’s turning away! Life is not so cruel that all the couples have a monopoly on happiness. All the single ladies, I know I’m right. You need so many other friendships in your life, not just a spouse.  Love grows stale.  But whether it’s young love or old love or in-between love, thank God for love!Get back to me when I’m 40 and my childbearing instincts kick in overdrive and I start desperately looking for that mate. Make sure he’s decent, for my sake.  Hope all the ‘good ones’ won’t be taken by then. 1 Corinthians 13 4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
 8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part,  but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me.  For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
 13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
love is so profound and mysterious and beautiful.. it can’t be logicked in a few words… explaining when love is going to happen is kind of like keeping a wave upon the sand… oh, Take Me The Way I Am - Ingrid Michaelson

Corporeally most people are always the “same person” but spiritually, they develop.  Opinions and tastes change, and what someone desired ten years ago isn’t always what they desire today.

I didn’t say relationships should be based on commonalities, I agree that there are far more things to be considered when entering into one. But if people have absolutely zero in common with each other, or if one partner wants children and the other doesn’t, that’s a problem.

This is a very creepy comment. Facebook stalk someone you know… not some random stranger on the internet. But clearly you are intelligent enough to say that a person is how many friends they have on facebook. Fucktard.

Very interesting article which gets me thinking about how our society treats marriage and long-term relationships as an ending point as opposed to the beginning of a different path. Life doesn’t officially end at this point it just changes, it doesn’t mean you can’t do the things you want to do anymore. 

It takes courage to say thatyou want freedom while you’re still young,to see the world and live your dreams.

It takes courage to let everything elsethat doesn’t seem as important go.

It is easy to spread your faithand your courage …

And perhaps even to encourageothers to follow your footsteps,to yearn for freedom, to see the worldand perhaps, to live their dreams …

But have you ever wondered,it also takes equal courage to say thatyou want love while you’re still young,to be the world to someone and live your dreams.

It takes courage to let everything elsethat doesn’t seem as important go.

Have you ever thought thatperhaps,your dreams are different from mine?
 
…. It’s a risk you take.
And it is up to you to choose, to take or to leave,
once you find that someone.

bravo. getting into relationships shouldn’t require a tally of loss/gain.

I loved this. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gone through these thoughts. As an engaged 23 year-old, young professional in D.C. I get the “but you’re so young!” line constantly.  We’re not rushing into anything…three years together and both in professional full-time jobs (he’s also 6 years older.) I do have a lot more life to live but I want him to be involved in all of it! It really annoys me when people give the sympathetic look and “you’re so young” speech.

It’s not always this simple. There are lots of reasons for breaking up beyond not wanting a person or wanting to sleep around. We’re not all shallow after all.

When we say that “well, we were young”, I think, sometimes, it’s just a way of trying to make sense of a break up. At some point, no matter how much you’ve evaluated why you broke up and how it happened there are things that will never quite make sense. We look at other people’s relationships and perhaps they are dealing with the same problems that we did in our relationship but they work it out, get married, and we break up. There comes a point where you realize, part of it was out of your control, it just went bad. And sometimes, it is that simple. Some people get lucky, they meet a person that is equally as dedicated as they are. Others spend their whole lives working on themselves, hoping they’ll find that person, and they don’t. Or perhaps they do but maybe life circumstances just cut the relationship short and no amount of dedication can save it. No amount of maturity, self understanding, or openness can change this. Not everything in our life will be in our control.

right.

but who are we without love

First of all, thanks for the reply and the insightful post. 

I’m with you on a lot of things. You shouldn’t throw someone solely away because of age, especially if they mean as much to you as you outlined. 

My issue is with points in your post where you use the “you probably won’t find anyone better” argument as justification for staying with someone. We’ve all seen our friends become stuck in relationships they shouldn’t be in because they once used this same justification.

We need to put ourselves first. I think a lot of people jump into serious relationships too soon because they haven’t or don’t want to confront their insecurities. They let this grand romantic notion be their escape, and they use words like “soulmate” to justify their decision. 

Bottom line, we need to be more confident in ourselves. Not fearful about not being good enough to find someone even BETTER later on (should you be thinking of breaking it off). But developing that mindset can take time. I think you’re undermining the value of personal growth a bit. We need to know that we can be happy alone first before deciding to be with someone else forever. 

But if you know yourself, believe in your potential, are grounded in your own sense of purpose…and you want to settle down and get married? I don’t care if you’re 68 or 18. 

A pleasure talking about this :)
 

if you are a stable and confident person to begin with, then it won’t change much.

so what are the some of the others reasons then.
. i’d really like to hear this..*rolls eyes*

I think it’s actually a lot more simple. When you meet someone you feel something for, you just know it, and those types of people are special. They don’t come around a lot, unless of course you are the type of person who is generic and can “be” with anyone..but if you’re not like that, then you’ll surely look back on your life when you are 80 and realize you may have lost a person or two that you could have been happy with for a long time.

then don’t blab to people about your life. lol.

let me give you a little scenario. I had this friend who started dating this girl.  He liked the girl, but he just didn’t feel that spark that he had with the girl (one of our mutual friends) that he had fallen in love with a few years back.  He broke it off with her, and basically gave her the reason “I just need to be alone, I feel like I need to do things for myself and find what I want”..

More often than not, the “find yourself” thing is a cop out.  Get over it.

Not everybody is 100% stable and confident, the essence of human beings is that they are all different.  The world would be a dull place if everybody was “perfect”.

There is this scenario that is actually pretty common.  Some people meet “the one” when they are young, but they don’t realize it at the time because they are stupid and young…

then they get older, get married to someone else, and wonder “what if”…

sounds cliche, but it actually happens quite a bit.

Generally stable and confident. Some people don’t change because they actually are happy the way they are, while the weak ones always change constantly because they hate themselves.

Thus, supporting my original point that people’s personalities have a tendency to evolve. Being ‘weak’ isn’t the point, it happens. That’s why it’s not always a great idea for some people to settle down at a young age.  Doesn’t apply to everyone though.

yeah..exactly..only the confident ones can settle down at a young age.

Okay totally missing my point, but whatever.  You’re right.  Single people are the dregs of society.

My first relationship was with the man I’m with now. We met when I was 23, did long distance for two years. We’re going on three years now and close to engagement. Have I questioned whether I want this life? Definitely. There are times when I wonder if the freedom of being alone and possible experiences that I could have from wandering the world are worth the potential loss of love that I know I have. Ultimately it’s a choice. I believe that life with my man can be as full of experiences (albeit different ones) as a life without him. And we make each other better. Could I meet someone else down the line that is as good for me as him? Maybe. Could I find another someone to be with? Definitely. Am I losing out by being only with my guy? I can’t know that. Those other doors are ones I won’t be opening. Ultimately only you can choose whether the relationship is worth it. If you let life happen to you, will you be happy? or even content? And is the relationship you’re in giving you enough to put those other experiences on hold?

If you studied brain development you would know that the brain is not fully developed until you are thirty. Until that time people go through varying degrees of solidness. Some choose young who they’ll be and stick with it, while others explore and experience to find that person. Yes you are who you are. But experience makes you. I know that the experiences I consider relevant to who I am now happened primarily between the ages of 22-25. I built on the base of the previous years, granted. But if you were to say I was who I am when I was twenty I would have to strongly disagree. All life is different. 

Distance, realizing you may not be compatible as married people even though you are compatible as friends, cultural differences that just become too much of an issue to resolve, family pressure to not stay with the person, unresolved demons (emotional problems or family issues), problems with addiction (no matter how much you love an addict it won’t change the situation), a million other reasons. If you really, truly, think the only reason people break up is because they want to fuck other people or they need to “find themselves” then you really haven’t lived a lot of life. Sorry, but it’s true.  

okay..either way, i’ve talked to plenty of old people and they say their personality is the same as they were when they were in their 20′s, and they feel young, too. so..whatever.

I hate the term “settling down”. Why does finding someone you love more than anyone else mean everything has to stop? The way I see it, adventures are more fun when you’ve got someone to share them with. Dark nights are less scary when there’s someone there to be scared with, and happiness seems a lot more intense when the one you love is happy too.

I’ve been with my boyfriend since I was 19 (now 22). We got through University together, graduated together, had many drunken nights out with friends together. And I will never regret any of that. I’m by no means ready to buy that house in the suburbs, get a dog, and pop out sprogs until my undercarriage gives up the ghost! But I’m not afraid to be with him, or afraid of the prospect of being with him for years to come.

But then I’m young. What do I know?
I’m just going to enjoy the ride and see where it takes me, us, whatever.

Calling other people weak doesn’t sound very confident to me. 

Haha, trust me, I don’t. The engagement ring kind of gives it away. I’m actually shocked how many people notice it because I never notice on other people.

All this silliness and romanticism is ultimately driven by your desire to splooge (or whatever the female equivalent is).  So, do like Matthew says: masturbate and eat some cheezits.  

32 is the magic number

wow

“so.. whatever?” sounds like like neubaoo1 made a more eloquent argument than you did. try not to make disparaging remarks like “… dumb-ass fuck up” next time.

I think we forgot that just because you have a fight doesn’ t mean you divorce. you work through it. Patience

I think people do get married to quickly and divorce too quickly especially after the dreaded “2 year mark” 

i think kids want everything right now, right away and without mistakes, but that is not the case. 

tl;dnr

I see dating to be like football drafts. You want to snag a good one in the “first round” while you’re pretty, because the divorcees, or “second round draft” picks aren’t as good.

This was a really thought-provoking post for me. Thanks!

It’s so nice to know I’m not alone. Seriously. The only difference is the state – and, I guess, the fact that we are two different people. Still, nice to know…