Understanding Natural Disasters Through The Eyes of God
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Joe Veix is a writer who contributes to The New Yorker, McSweeney's, The Awl, and Someecards.
“What God does is God’s business. But I’ll tell you this, whether you call it Gaia or whether you call it Jesus, there’s a message being sent. ‘Hey, you know that stuff we’re doing? It’s not really working out. Maybe we should stop doing some of it.’ I’m just saying.” — Glenn Beck
Everyone knows that natural disasters are messages from God. Obviously, they aren’t warnings for us to increase investments in things like more resilient infrastructure, streamlined evacuation plans, or eco-friendly policies. Why waste our money on fascistic things like stronger levees, or reinforced foundations? That’s Big Brother, pal!
No, these messages are of a moral kind. Did you have sex before marriage? Hurricane! Did you eat meat on a Friday? Tornado of fire! The messages are hard to interpret, of course. This is the big G-man we’re talking about. Fortunately, just like Professor Beck, I’m a highly acclaimed religious historian. The crux of my doctoral thesis demonstrated that broad natural disasters are messages sent from an all-powerful deity, meant to delineate the antiquated biblical rules designed to govern the dull minutia of our daily lives. Sounds crazy, right? Wrong! What follows is an abridged but highly accurate key to understanding the wrathful language of God, in plain, Midwestern English:
Disaster-English Translation Key
A hurricane, hitting the East Coast of the US:
“Cease your sinning, filthy heathens. Repent, repent, or doom shall rain upon ye.”
Two tornadoes, destroying the entirety of Toledo:
“Just saying ‘hey.’”
3.8 Magnitude Earthquake, Los Angeles:
“You aren’t getting enough Omega-3 fatty acids in your day-to-day; try fish oil supplements.”
A tropical cyclone hitting California, followed by a brief lull, and then an enormous mudslide:
“Did I leave my cardigan at your apartment last night?”
Light seismic waves (West Coast):
“Hey, Jim Meagers of Duluth, MN. Yes, you. Your left tail light is out.”
A hydrothermal explosion in Yellowstone National Park that instantly vaporizes a tour bus packed with squinting octogenarians:
“Health claims regarding pomegranates are highly exaggerated.”
8.9 Magnitude Earthquake, Japan:
“Glenn Beck will callously profit off of a tragic disaster by utilizing shocking statements as a means to further his own absurd agenda.”
And that’s that. God has spoken. Remember, disasters remind us of how very fragile we all are; even Glenn Beck. Especially Glenn Beck, with that easy to smash, egg-like head of his. I’m just saying. 
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