An Open Letter To The Douchebag Guys At Clubs

Jun. 28, 2011

By Julie Beck info

Julie writes and edits things, usually for the Internet. She has been varyingly described as “the most ...

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Dear Sirs,

Despite what my appreciation for the musical stylings of one Mr. Usher Raymond IV might suggest, I do not want to make love in this club. I don’t even want to make friends in this club. I already have friends with me – friends I intend to use as human shields and/or surrogate boyfriends to provide myself with some modicum of protection and personal space this evening. I appreciate that the preponderance of insufficiently covered breasts has probably thrown your testosterone production into overdrive, but I’m sorry to inform you that this isn’t a candy store. You can’t just grab fistfuls of whatever looks good.

But I belittle you, Men of Clubs, for most of you are certainly more strategic than that. You prowl the dance floor like lions on the Serengeti, waiting for me to get really into whatever Ke$ha jam is playing at the moment, then without breaking your stride, grab my arm and attempt to pull me along behind you, never doubting for a second that I will follow. When I break free, you give it a good 20 minutes or so then try again. Are you hoping that during that time period I will have gotten drunker and changed my “no” to a “yes?” How charmingly rape-y of you.

Later I encounter you again at the bar, where, despite my four prior rejections, you offer to buy me a drink. I politely decline though, because just as I did not want to be holdin’ you on the dance floor, I also do not want to be beholden to you for a beverage or anything else. Your generosity might be better received by one of the underage girls who will otherwise have to get her drink on by slurping down her older friends’ two dollar cranberry vodkas in the bathroom.

Do be warned, though, for while I will try to maintain a good attitude and enjoy my night out with my friends, over time my patience will wane. I will become a little less friendly every time you grab me from behind, every time you tell me you own the club and order me to dance with you, every time you physically block my passage, causing me to hip-check you out of the way. I’m a lady in the street and Darren frickin’ McCarty in the club.

Perhaps you think me unkind. I can hardly be offended by guys wanting to dance with me at a club, of all places. And to those few gems among you who have asked me with your words and not your hands, I applaud you and absolve you of the general label of “skeevy” I have bestowed upon your bretheren. Never mind the fact that “do you want to dance?” actually means “would you care to rub your ass rhythmically on my genitals?” At least you ASKED.   But no, no thank you.

Best of luck,

Julie TC mark

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  • Six6Sixwitch

    Here’s a tip: Stop hanging out at douchebag CLUBs…and get BETTER TASTE IN MUSIC

    • Greg

       STFU

      • Copernicus

        Easy there, buttercup.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

    “Slut Girls at Clubs”

  • Derby

    so even guys who ask you nicely to dance aren’t legit? kinda harsh

    • Greg

      no, it’s just that there is still an inherent absurdity to asking someone to “dance”, which is a just a veiled attempt at asking a woman to simulate doggystyle with you on the dancefloor….like you know it’s not like salsa or line dancing or something

  • Derby

    so even guys who ask you nicely to dance aren’t legit? kinda harsh

  • Derby

    so even guys who ask you nicely to dance aren’t legit? kinda harsh

  • LRM

    love the Darren McCarty reference.  Go Wings!  :)

  • LRM

    love the Darren McCarty reference.  Go Wings!  :)

  • http://twitter.com/stefinmotion Stefanie J

    Two dollar cranbery vodka’s?! Canadian envy.

    Also, I hate the assumption that some guys make that I am at the club to MEET somebody. Ask me to dance/converse/drink with you ONLY once and then take what I say at face value. And on that note, girls: be straightforward but not bitchy. Just say no thank you, we’re all humans here.

    • http://www.facebook.com/gregpphoto Greg Petliski

      So why are you at the club if youre not there to meet people? Thats like going to a speed dating event with no intention of dating anyone. Clubs are strictly for the socialization of the opposite sexes. If youre going there to actually dance then you must be into really shitty music.

      • guestt

        So maybe some people actually want to dance to shitty music with their girlfriends? A club is no place to meet anyone. 

      • guestt

        So maybe some people actually want to dance to shitty music with their girlfriends? A club is no place to meet anyone. 

      • http://twitter.com/stefinmotion Stefanie J

        Well I guess I have shit taste in music if I want to dance to Britney and Lady Gaga with my friends! I love that shit. Bye.

  • Ash

    Agreed.  Ms. Beck clearly needs to find herself frequenting better-quality establishments.

    • guesst

      Skeezy guys are everywhere.  

  • http://twitter.com/cwboyer Cristopher Boyer

    I thought I’d be the first to note my appreciation of the Darren McCarty ref, but I guess I’m too slow. Oh well, all the same, awesome to see that one on there!

  • Catt

    “just as I did not want to be holdin’ you on the dance floor, I also do not want to be beholden to you for a beverage”

    Although this piece wasn’t my favorite, this bit made me smile. The be holdin/beholden part was clever.

  • Buck

    Stop going to Soundbar, Hangge Uppe, Evil Olive, etc. if you don’t want that kind of treatment. When you go to “clubby” places, that’s what you are going to get. There are plenty of spots in Chicago that offer the ability to “dance with the girls and talk about how cool Niki Minaj is.” 

    Or try the Man Hole in Boys Town.

  • JM00041

    Sound like someone needs to get laid

  • http://fastfoodies.org Briana

    what is this i don’t even

    (read: this article has been written at least twice on this site in the past month. as an ardent TC reader, i am really annoyed to see an article saying the EXACT SAME THING as one posted earlier in the month, regardless of how ‘good the writing’ or ‘relevant the topic’)

    • troll

      what’s good about this writing? it smacks of the same kind of haughty self-assuredness that so many women at these very same clubs project.

  • Azza

    Smugness about being happily married has increased by 10%, thanks.

  • Azza

    Smugness about being happily married has increased by 10%, thanks.

  • Anonymous

    ta.gg/4vh

  • Helena

    YESSS

  • SeeDoubleYou

    While I equally hate douchery, douchery is like religion: it is here to stay whether we like it or not. But there is a very easy solution to this problem: WTF are you doing at clubs that play Ke$ha and Usher? Talk about walking into a lion’s den of douchery. Some people wonder why people get into underground scenes, especially electronica: here are places where one can go for the music, dance with friends, and not be hounded by d-bags. Choose a different scene, your tired blog about douchery is a derivative of your own poor choices.

    • Girl

      but what if a girl likes rnb but just cant have a good time with all the douchery in the club. the problem is about these assholes, girls shouldnt be limited in their choice of hang-out just because of these assholes

      • omgwah

        Wow, life sucks huh.

  • http://www.facebook.com/t.jason.ham Jason Ham

    I’m sorry but did you just imply that a mixed drink (as mixed as juice + vodka is) only costs TWO FUCKING DOLLARS over in America?!

    Reminds me of how my friend went on exchange to Britain and kept sending me pics of generic brand bottles of vodka for only 6 pounds.I fucking HATE this country. Holy balls. dsfjkgnsdjgkndjgn

    • http://www.facebook.com/gregpphoto Greg Petliski

      Mixed drinks are not $2 unless youre in the ghetto.

    • Guest

      Don’t listen.  It’s a dirty lie.  

  • http://www.facebook.com/gregpphoto Greg Petliski

    Uhhh, this is all bullshit cuz with a couple drinks in you, you’d go for the club guy. How on earth do you think the club guy gets laid? Women are stupid enough to say yes to hulking, brutish monkey men. Evolution may have geared you to be attracted to that sort of person, but guess what? We have this funny little thing called consciousness. 

  • omgwah

    White girl problems at its finest. This blog is going down the tubesssssssssssssssssss

  • NewMaterialPleaseTC

    You only go to clubs to hang out with friends you already have.

    You want to listen to the shitty top 40 music that they play in clubs, which is also on your iPod.
    Ergo, stay home with your friends, listen to your music, and realize there’s more to life than your narcissistic uppity white-girl social life. Not only do you speak like you do this all the time and you know that it happens, but that you still insist on doing it, as if somehow doing the same thing over and over will somehow bring about a different result (see: insanity). The Social IQ of this piece is that of a thumb tack.

  • Mr. Doug, to you

    You guys are all super silly because Julie is awesome.

    How can you meet people at clubs with all of that ear-bleedy music playing? Too loud

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