A Typical Job Interview For A Post Grad
Mr. Boss Man: You have quite the impressive resume here.
Zoey: Oh wow, I’m glad you think so. Yeah.
Mr. Boss Man: Let’s see, you interned at The New Yorker at the age of 17.
Zoey: Such a rewarding experience. Challenging and fun.
Mr. Boss Man: You built houses for orphans in Guatemala in the summer of ’08, got a piece published in The Atlantic about Adderall while you were still a senior at Sarah Lawrence and have 40,000 followers on your satirical Twitter account, Post Grad Problems?
Zoey: I hope you don’t mind that I put that down! I thought it might just be a fun fact for you to know. I started that account as a joke and now I’ve just been interviewed by the New York Times so it’s exciting.
Mr. Boss Man: Sounds like you’re quite the accomplished young lady. You’ve had six prestigious internships and have been published by some of the top magazines in the country.
Zoey: It’s not really that big of a deal. I mean, I’m still unemployed and haven’t gotten paid for anything so it can’t be that great. (NERVOUS LAUGHTER FOLLOWED BY AN UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCE FROM MR. BOSS MAN)
Mr. Boss Man: Let’s talk about the position. Zoey, I’m not going to lie to you. You’re up against some stiff competition for the administrative assistant job.
Zoey: Stiff? Really? Um, how stiff are we talking here?
Mr Boss Man: One of the candidates has a PHD from Yale.
Zoey: (TAKEN ABACK) Like they’re basically a doctor? They’re a doctor applying to be an administrative assistant? That’s…wow…just wow.
Mr. Boss Man: It’s a very coveted position, Zoey. As the administrative assistant, you’re essentially the glue of the company. It goes beyond faxing and mailing. You are an important representative of Clark & Brown literary agency!
Zoey: Oh no, I didn’t mean to suggest it wasn’t. I know what an amazing opportunity it would be to be your administrative assistant. It’s always been an, uh, personal dream of mine.
Mr. Boss Man: Really?
Zoey: Totally. I mean, I wrote in my cover letter what an inspiration your company has been to me and how I would hope to use my skills to help the company reach its fullest potential.
Mr. Boss Man: I hear what you’re saying. I really do but I’m not feeling it enough. I need you to want to be the administrative assistant. Crave it.
Zoey: I’m craving it! I might need to go to rehab for it!
Mr. Boss Man: Okay, that’s enough. Calm down. That was a very weird joke about going to rehab but I’ll overlook it. (PAUSE) I’m going to do something real big here and take a chance on you. I’ll give you the job.
Zoey: Thank you so much for taking that chance! I know I’m not a doctor (just valedictorian of my school) so I appreciate you taking a leap of faith with me.
Mr. Boss Man: I’m scared here. I’m real scared. (WHILE LEAFING THROUGH ZOEY’S LAMINATED TEN PAGE RESUME) But something tells me you can do it.
Zoey: Thank you so much! You won’t regret it. (GETS UP TO LEAVE EXCITEDLY)
Mr. Boss Man: By the way, you have to intern with us for two months before we can pay you anything and your salary will be 19k a year.
Zoey: (STOPS AND BEGINS TO CHOKE BACK TEARS) Of course. I understand. I’m so…excited. See you Monday.
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My ears listened to what they wanted me to believe.
3. Don’t get mad, get everything.
But I am here to talk about realities, realities that are based on experiences, guy talks (who cares about that?) and late night chats with good female friends of mine.
Many people know of Jack Kerouac’s fiction, but few know of his penchant for recording his dreams.