A Recipe For Bad Sex
Add in 8 shots of tequila or worse, be stone-cold sober. Be overwhelmingly horny, like you just need to grab flesh and put your outsides in to someone’s insides. Or the other way around. If you don’t, figure you just might die or something. “Must use my genitalia tonight. Must see a naked body and do things to it.” Never feel more like an animal—something that’s ruled by chemicals and cravings—than you do in these moments.
Splash a lot of tongue in your mouth. This person is jamming their tongue into your mouth, and you’re wondering if you should wear a mouth condom while kissing. Think to yourself, “We ate dinner together. They can’t be hungry so why do they feel the need to eat my face?”
Have 800 moments of feeling unsexy. Worry that your private parts smell, if this person can see the fat scar that runs down your leg, if they’re noticing the zit on your back. Try to push these neuroses out of your mind, and force yourself to get into it. Come at the person fast and furious to prove that you’re really into having sex with them. After a few moments, start to think about the zits, the scar, the odors, and begin to deflate again.
It doesn’t help that this person isn’t worshipping your body. They’re not viewing it like a treasure map, discovering every inch of it with a hunger. Instead, they’re using it as a dumpster for their cum, an object that will bring them to climax. You are at your most vulnerable when you’re lying naked with someone. They have the power to destroy you with a single pause, an uninterested glance. With this person, you feel like a complete piece of rotting meat.
Throw in 3 scoops of, “What the fuck are they doing down there? Creating a Slip N’ Slide? Going fishing? Taking a nap?” Realize they are hurting you, and you’re not even sure how that’s possible. You’ll just feel flashes of pain and bruising, and be totally confused as to why. Think about that Culture Club song, ‘Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?”, and feel a desire to sing it to them while they’re having sex with you. “Hey you! I have a question. Do you….do you really want to hurt me? Do you wanna see me cry?” Start laughing at the sheer idea of this. Can you even imagine what their response would be?! Ha. Sex is beginning to feel like the unsexiest thing you could think of. Shit.
Have 1 epiphany which is, “Fuck you for fucking me.” When they eventually orgasm, find out they have the most disgusting “O” face. Their eyes are half-closed, their chin droops, and they look like a pathetic little baby who’s sucking on their mother’s tit. Ew! Sick! You didn’t know people could look this unappealing! Get off of me, you disgusting mound of flesh!
Marvel at the rapid deterioration of your desire. An hour ago, you wanted sex so badly. You would’ve fucked the sky, a slice of apple pie. It took the wrong dick or the wrong vagina to push that out of you. Now you understand that sex can sometimes be the opposite of what you want when you’re horny. It has the ability to disappoint you so quickly, to make you feel disgusting, to lose all warm feelings for the naked body.
Make 1 promise to yourself. You will try your best to avoid bad sex. You will masturbate a lot more now. When you come by yourself, who are you left with? Just you! And sometimes that can be better than anyone else.
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