A Haphazard Interview With My Girlfriend
BSG: I think you’re cute. What do you think about that?
GF: The fact that I’m cute? Well, I think that… I’m glad you think I’m cute. That seems like a healthy requirement of a relationship. [Laughs.] I don’t know. It makes me feel good. It makes me feel happy when you say that.
BSG: What do you think about me peeing with the door open?
GF: Um… [drinks coffee]. I don’t really mind if you pee with door open. I guess I think it’s kind of funny. I don’t have a very strong opinion about it… I think I have a stronger opinion about myself peeing with the door open.
BSG: You don’t like, think it’s special that I pee with the door open… in regards to love or familiarity or something like that?
GF: I think I want you to feel comfortable because… I want you to be comfortable. And I’m glad that you feel comfortable with our relationship that you can pee with the door open. But I appreciate that you’re sort of a private person because I wouldn’t really want you to poop with the door open. That being said if it did accidentally happen it wouldn’t be the end of the world or whatever, I wouldn’t care.
BSG: Accidentally happen?… What would you do if I pooped with the door open?
GF: I’d probably reprimand you in a sweet teasing voice. I’d reprimand you without malice. I’d reprimand you in a making-fun-of way. I wouldn’t be disgusted, I would just try to make fun of you to make you ashamed just to have fun with you. I wouldn’t want to make you feel bad, because I don’t want to embarrass you… I mean, I want to tease you because I like you but I don’t want you to feel like deeply ashamed or anything, I wouldn’t want to make you deeply embarrassed of your bodily functions. I think that goes for all your personal stuff, actually.
BSG: How do you feel about me working all day on the computer?
GF: My feelings about that fluctuate. I think that if I feel like I’m getting quality time with you, the other part of the day, then I don’t mind it. I think if I feel like I’m not, I start to resent it, because you’re right here but I still can’t talk to you which is frustrating when I feel like I’m not getting any connection with you any of the day. Sometimes you’re easier to approach when you’re working and sometimes you’re not, and it’s hard to know if it will be a time that I can talk to you while you’re working. Sometimes you’re more approachable than other times. But when I’m busier, I don’t mind as much because I’m doing my own thing. I like that you’re busy doing something that you like.
BSG: You fix all my meals and clean up after me all the time. How do you feel about this?
GF: I think that depends on the state of our relationship. If we’re happy and communicating then I’m happy to do those things for you. If I feel like I’m getting my emotional needs met then I’m happy to meet all of your needs. I also understand that you’re working all day, and if I’m not working all day then it seems fair that I do those things. If you weren’t working, I might be less inclined to do those things for you.
BSG: What induces you to give me unsolicited blow jobs?
GF: I’m not going to answer that! Write that down, I’m not going to answer that. For discretion’s sake. I’m a lady.
BSG: What do you think about unsolicited blow jobs?
GF: In general?
GF: I guess I would say that no blow job is unsolicited. You’re fixated on this, baby.
BSG: What do you mean by that? The unsolicited thing?
GF: Any time a girl is giving a man a blow job, there’s a reason. It might be a subtle one or something that happened years ago or something that the man didn’t intend, but there’s a reason.
BSG: Tell me about your musical tastes.
GF: Primarily I listen to music based on the fact that it makes me feel emotional. Sometimes I listen to music because I want it to make me feel upset, sometimes I want it to make me relaxed. When I first started listening to music and really caring about it, I wanted it to make me feel intensely emotional. So I listened to Tori Amos and Nine Inch Nails and The Smiths. My musical tastes got more subtle through the years and I started listening to music that was less intense, probably because I’m less intense. But I still look for the emotional thing in music. Like right now I listen to jazz because it’s emotional but less intense, just more complex and subtle.
BSG: What do you think about writers and the writing scene?
GF: Do you mean your writing scene?
GF: Gosh I feel like I could go so many ways with that. Um. I feel interested but slightly disengaged from that. I feel like it’s a moment of time just like any other time. It’s an interesting thing but not a permanent thing. Like you and Tao and like [gesticulates] Blake Butler. I’m interested but not greatly compelled. But…
BSG: Are you impressed that I am a writer? Are you impressed by people who are writers?
GF: I think I have respect for anyone who is doing what they want and finding ways to get paid for it. I think that I don’t want… [seems confused]. I think some writers in your group are more impressive than others. I guess I must admit that I feel very vaguely and slightly dismissive of it, very… you know, not like, [shrugs]… I feel slightly detached from it, as a girlfriend of one of the writers in that group, I look at it as something less fascinating and more of your job. I think it’s not as important as some people think it is, but that’s true of anything, any human thing. I’m getting kind of philosophical here.
BSG: What do you think of me going out and getting drunk with my friends without you in places where there are other women, where it would be like plausible for me to cheat on you or something?
GF: [Laughs.] I don’t worry about that very much. I feel like I understand where your loyalties lie and if you do something stupid, then I think you would just feel really stupid. I think I feel confident that you don’t want to lose this relationship, that that wouldn’t be a risk you would take. I also feel like I’m less jealous than I think I should be or that is like healthy, not to say I haven’t been jealous, but I’m jealous when you have feelings for girls… I want you to think I’m great, and as long as you do, I don’t feel jealous of other girls, and I like you to go out and have a good time.
BSG: What would your dream day with me be?
GF: [Laughs.] Uh, the dream day would be an emotional state not a physical one. The dream day would consist of us feeling immensely close and immensely clear with each other and immensely in love. I think we would make love and talk a lot and eat and sit inside and just love each other. I think that would be the best day. And be quiet too. And feel content.
You should follow Thought Catalog on Twitter here.
A | A | A
I would rather jump around and sweat my body to a Lady Gaga song. Yoga is so overrated.
13. ‘Wilmer Valderrama Presents Yo Momma: The Movie’
4. When I mentioned my idea of applying for a competitive writing fellowship in addition to graduate programs, and you told me I shouldn’t.
Women want to see you in social situations, outdoors doing manly activities, on a boat holding a fish, ANYTHING that indicates you’ve got a life.