A Guide To Drinking Like A Goddam Man

May. 13, 2011

By Ned Hepburn info

Ned Hepburn is a writer, traveler, and bon vivant currently residing in New York City. He has written and worked ...

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  1. Sit down. At a bar. A bar made of wood, you ingrate.
  2. Now stand up. Lean against the bar. Go ahead. Lean. Feel your elbows in the groove. You… you have an elbow groove at the bar, right? Now rest your shoulders. Allow your body to form the classic Larry King / vulture position. That limey cunt Pierce whatshisfuckinfface ain’t got shit on our boy Larry.
  3. Now. Sit back down again. Clear your throat.
  4. Order a drink. No need to have the bartender near you. Just announce it like the second male lead in a Sam Shepard play at a community theater table read. Own it.
  5. You better have ordered either a shot of bourbon or a heavy, dark beer.
  6. The bourbon you order should be caramel colored and bitter, like your landlady. The beer you order should be so dark and heavy it should be available as a special edition by Critereon.
  7. While the bartender is reeling in fear / getting your order, survey the bar like a garden sprinkler of spite and sexual tension. Think Jeff Bridges from Tron but actually Jeff Bridges from Crazy Heart. You want to make every woman in the bar pregnant just by being in your vicinity. You want to make all men question their life choices. Smack your lips loudly. Perhaps chew on a toothpick. If no toothpicks are available, there’s a wooden bar infront of you.
  8. The bartender should be back with your drinks by now. Take seven seconds to look up from the drink to their beady eyed bartender. Call him a derogatory name, casting your net wide to assure an insult on both his socioeconomic and his ethnic background. Hold eye contact. Sneer. (HOMEWORK: practice sneer.)
  9. Tip the bartender with a ripped dollar and an anecdote about killing a hobo.
  10. Take a sniff of the drink. Make sure he didn’t POISON you.
  11. Drink it all in one fell swoop.
  12. Repeat steps 3 through 11 until barely able to stand.
  13. Regale entire bar with different anecdote about killing a different hobo / three day peyote binge. Be sure to use the word “spittle” at least six times, and three of those times incorrectly.
  14. Take Polaroid of self. Hang it with spit on mirror behind bar. Point at it dramatically.
  15. Go to jukebox. Select and then play Bob Seger’s “Night Moves” ?fteen times in a row.
  16. Leave bar, never to return again.

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image – Street Boners (NSFW)

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  • http://www.kathygambo.tumblr.com Kathleen Gambo

    So Bro.

  • http://twitter.com/lukebourassa Luke Bourassa

    #15. Fantastic. HAHAHAHAHAHA!

  • RUX

    ACE!

  • Helen McGuire

    This is great, especially the part about playing Night Moves 15 times in a row. http://www.hmc3.blogspot.com

  • http://twitter.com/ward_hegedus Ward Hegedus

    Well I've got my Friday night planned out now.

  • http://www.facebook.com/gregpphoto Greg Petliski

    This is the greatest piece of writing I have ever been lucky enough to run my eyes over. This is everything I want to be in life.

    I would offer that other alcoholic beverages are manly as well, like rum. Pirates and sailors drink rum. Butt jokes aside, those are manly guys. Pirates rape and pillage, and sailors blow up other boats with big ass guns.

    • Hss

      rape and violence is manly you mother fucking psychopath

      • http://www.facebook.com/gregpphoto Greg Petliski

        Take a joke.

      • aaaaa

        your sarcasm monitor appears to only be functioning at 20% efficiency… Not nearly high enough to be browsing the comments section…. Not nearly high enough to be browsing the comments section.

  • natural

    That is how you drink like a goddam man.

  • http://twitter.com/kyleangeletti Kyle Angeletti

    Excellent. Can substitute bourbon for scotch.

    • Andre Trevisan

      I'll take a nice rye instead

  • Dfasdf

    Please no, enough with the whiskey bro talk. This shit is worse than that summer where every vneck wearing, art degree holding, wannabe chemist decided to make their own microbrew.

  • http://profiles.google.com/mcblaloc Meghan Blalock

    Just glazed my seat.

  • http://thetangential.com Becky Lang

    is this a collage of ten different esquire articles?

  • Booo

    How to drink like an insecure man.

  • pewpdude

    I prefer to play Glen Campbell's “Wichita Lineman”   Also, this is hard if your town only has 3 bars. Lineman”   Also, this is hard if your town only has 3 bars.

    • pewpdude

      Weird.

  • aaaa

    I loved this, brb going to bar to try this out, but first i'm going to finish listening to night moves. good call.

  • Bernard Warffenstavens

    yeah, this is a shitty subject (it's not even a subject) and doesn't belong on TC

    • Bernard Fartenstauffenhoffen

      also congratulations on doing a mediocre imitation of Maddox. hate yourself.

  • cady

    this was funny. i like your sense of humor. thought catalog doesn't need to be introspective or deep and dark all the time, i think some lighthearted, humorous pieces like this are part of why TC is great.

  • ribcage

    Real men drink wine.  And spell 'goddamn' correctly.  Loved the Criterion comment, though.

  • canonizer

    This does want very much to be funny while pretending it does not much care what other people think about it.

  • Lebron

    lol is that a picture of the dude from vice. this is some corny bullshit

  • Dolph

    this ironic macho shit is fuckin funny dude you should write miller lite commercials

  • chelseafagan

    “…survey the bar like a garden sprinkler of spite and sexual tension.”

    Hahahahahahahaha.

    You've offended the comment section's tender hipster sensibilities. Well done, sir.

  • http://likethehours.wordpress.com/ devin howard

    Hahaha, hell yeah. I wouldn't worry a goddamn bit about, and Chelsea Fagan said it  best just below , “the tender hipster sensibilities,” of the comment section. My icon is me chugging a pint of Taiwanese whiskey in Taipei the night the US tied England in the 2010 world cup. So in jest or not, you're article strikes a cord.

  • Justsomeguy

    Sorry bro, you blew your manly cred with that Criterion reference in #6.
    Real manly men DO NOT watch cinema.

    • Thom Fynn

      there’s thios thing called satire…look it up…

  • http://twitter.com/Moji1 John Brittingham

    I’ll put it on my to do list.

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