9 Reasons Why I Won’t Be Getting That Job

Nov. 14, 2011

By Kate Knibbs info

Kate has been described as a ray of sunshine wrapped up in flowers slathered in ponies, sparkles, and cupcakes. She ...

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  1. On my way out of the interview I accidentally locked the supervisor’s door. I went out after him, and as we were leaving I decided to close it, out of courtesy. As it was about to click shut he yelled “Nooooooo!” like he’d been possessed by a husky demon. Then it shut. He said something about having to go upstairs and get another key and gave me a handshake that more or less defined perfunctory.
  2. He asked me what I knew about working in advertising and I said “I watch a lot of Mad Men!”
  3. My e-mail address has the word “extreme” in it but I refuse to get a more professional one out of a misguided certainty that my true boss/mentor will embrace my idiosyncratic defiance of common sense.
  4. He named their biggest client and I said, “Oh, they make (brand name product)! I love that stuff!” To which he replied, “No. That’s our biggest rival.”
  5. He asked “Have you seen our website?” and I said “I perused it.” Nervous Me may or may not equal needlessly verbose Me.
  6. I am assuming the supervisor had some sort of clairvoyant power and brain-searched me to discover that I have literally never used Excel in my life. Which is true. BUT HOW DOES HE KNOW?
  7. They were looking for math-proficient, detail-oriented, highly organized people who define themselves as type A. I am an English major who has misplaced five pairs of glasses in the past 8 months. I wish that was an exaggeration.
  8. My nylons had cream cheese on them. Long, bagel-related story.
  9. It was raining, and I brought an umbrella, and on the way out I said “Oh, good, I think it stopped raining.” He peered out the window for a moment and said “No, it’s definitely still raining.” I’m assuming that he believes accurately discerning precipitation to be of utmost importance in a suitable candidate. F-ck. TC mark

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  • Christina

    HA, I can so see this being me in a year’s time when big interview stuff comes up.  This was hilarious!

  • http://twitter.com/potatoluvcheese Naomi

    Loved this. Simple but hilarious. :)

  • meowy llama

    hahaha :D tell me how it goes :D

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jay-Baker/576172846 Jay Baker

    This was really great!  ”Long, bagel-related story.”  For some reason that I can’t fathom, this really made me laugh.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

    I read this three times over and felt amused twice

  • mookie

    No job, Kate? #OccupyThoughtCatalog.

  • http://hotfemmeinthecity.wordpress.com/ natasia

    Nylons should be outlawed. Not only do they get cream cheese on them, but they rip if the wind blows on them too hard. Once I sat through an interview with a tear that started below my knee and went up to…yeah. I didn’t get the job. 

  • Amo

    In this case, the level of humor is judged by how much you made your reader cringe. So well done, hilarious article! :D

  • Lemonade

    fake it to make it

    or be yourself and stay unemployed

    • Kate Knibbs

      That is, almost verbatim, what my dad said to me!

  • Bridgetww

    Oh my goodness, we are one!
    If I ever become successful enough to hire people (very doubtful), I shall have a workforce consisting solely of clumsy people who embarrass themselves. What a fun office that’ll be!

  • Michelle

    My stomach hurts from laughing so hard. 

  • http://www.facebook.com/jeffreyjamesskatzka Je Sk

    :D

  • Laurenk

    “They were looking for math-proficient, detail-oriented, highly organized people who define themselves as type A. I am an English major who has misplaced five pairs of glasses in the past 8 months. I wish that was an exaggeration.”Hahaha story of my life. Great article

  • Anonymous

    This has nothing to do with the article, which was funny, but I read your bio and I think we are soul mates. I also dressed as Fox Mulder for Halloween (in 6th grade so probably the same year since I’m younger than you). I have never met anyone else with this story so I had to say something. I read it and went, “Oh holy shit, me too. What?!”

    Are you the Brad Pitt to my Ed Norton?

  • http://twitter.com/tannnyaya Tanya Salyers

    Toooooo funny.

  • http://www.facebook.com/grc15r Gregory Costa

    Hmm.  But how did you look in those nylons?  You may be getting that job after all.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1351650218 Kaity Wong

    Crying of laughter.

  • Guest

    BAHAHA be my friend. I have at least a million of these stories, including various times when my leg has fallen asleep on me during the end of an interview and hilarity has (unfortunately) ensued.

  • Heather Inc

    “I am an English major who has misplaced five pairs of glasses in the past 8 months. I wish that was an exaggeration.” We are soul sisters.

  • Anonymous

    phlpn.es/7x9vmd

  • http://www.facebook.com/nattusmith Natt Smith

    I once went on an interview at a doctors office and ended up talking about the dangers of Scientology the entire time.  Didn’t get the call back.  

  • http://twitter.com/niceflying Emma

    :( Aww, I think noticing rain might just be covered in ‘detail-oriented’.
    This was really funny! I laughed embarrassingly a lot.

  • Toby

    Ouch BB. I hope your prospective employers have a sense of humor when this is the first thing that appears when they google your name.

  • http://michaelynch.com Michael Lynch

    It sounds like you may want to rethink your career path.

  • bear

    “He asked “Have you seen our website?” and I said “I perused it.” Nervous Me may or may not equal needlessly verbose Me.” 
    favourite line by far

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