5 Things You Should Remove From Your Closet
1. The expensive item of clothing that doesn’t fit quite right
I’m super guilty of buying a piece of clothing that is both out of my price range and makes me feel sort of fat. I purchase it because I think that if I spend enough money on something, it will serve as enough motivation to get in shape. “Now I must really start to exercise. That Marc Jacobs shirt was too much money not to!” But of course, nothing ever happens and then I just have an expensive shirt that’s sitting in my drawer, mocking me and my body. Either put down the hamburger or sell it to Buffalo Exchange, okay?
2. The item of clothing you love but is worn to shreds
If I like something, I will wear the shit out of it. Case in point: A few years ago, I found the perfect pair of black skinny jeans that fit me like a damn glove. This is a big deal, okay? Finding The Perfect Pair Of Jeans is a real thing that everyone strives for. That’s why I found the whole idea of Sisterhood Of The Traveling Pants so insulting. These four girls cannot fit in the same pair of “OMG, perfect” jeans, especially if two of those girls are America Ferrara and Blake Lively. Anyway, I thought I had found my own Sisterhood jeans with this particular pair and I wore them everyday for two New York winters until they split in the crotch. I went to the store thinking it was NBD though and bought the same pair of jeans, only to find that the material and fit was completely different for some reason. I harassed all of the employees and asked them why two pairs of the same jeans could feel and fit so radically different but none of them really knew the answer. As a result, I have held on to my tattered jeans in some misguided hope that they’ll somehow be CPR’ed overnight. I’ve even worn them out with my underwear visible and everything, which is not cute. You need to let go of the clothing you love if that clothing looks like it got ran over by a Hummer. Just accept it, grieve, and move forward in your search for perfect denim.
3. The item of clothing that you borrowed from your friend
I hate looking at old pictures and realizing that 60% of the clothes I was wearing have since disappeared into thin air. I know that a good portion of them were borrowed by friends whom I no longer talk to and/or can’t remember so I’m not even able to ask for anything back. Back in the old days, I would let people borrow my clothes but now I say no to almost everyone. Why? Because when someone asks, “Can I borrow this?” they’re really asking, “Can I take this from you under the guise of borrowing but just never give it back? At a certain point, you’ll feel too weird and petty to ask for it back and then it will be mine for forever!” Ew. If you have borrowed something from your friend, give it back right now. They’re probably building resentment as I type.
4. The clothing that belongs to your ex
You can also file this under “Things You Have In Your Closet That Don’t Belong To You.” After a break up, you’re bound to have some of your ex’s clothing. I know it might be hard to give up for sentimental reasons but you should really just throw it away for your own sanity. Or, I guess give it back? I remember dating someone once for only a few months and he had left behind this disgusting ratty brown tank top. For some reason, I kept it because it reminded me, in my more celibate times, that I once was someone who had sex and was in relationships. I had the terrifying tank top to prove it! I eventually got over it though and instead of throwing it away, I sometimes use it as a cleaning rag, which is like the ultimate ex clothing “F You” in my opinion.
5. The clothing that you once could fit into
This goes in the same vein as item # 1 but it makes you feel less stupid and more depressed because you could fit into it at some point in your life and now you can’t. Or you actually can but it just fits tighter. That might be even worse. Close but no cigar. Sigh. Keeping these items of clothing is dangerous because you’ll just spend your days eyeing them longingly from your bed as they “LOL” at you from your closet.
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Even as I write this now I am debating whether or not to erase it all together.
When I say I’m in love with you, I mean I love the story I can tell to my next lover, about my ex-lover, about how beautiful things were, how intense, how storybook, what a couple we were, and how you gradually, inexplicably, painfully, bit by bit, disappeared.
“I used to be afraid of failing at something that really mattered to me, but now I’m more afraid of succeeding at things that don’t matter.”
I was 24 and, while not gay, ever since college I had been getting more attention from gay men than from heterosexual women.